Only Now
by hpleems
Summary: When James organizes a Gryffindor summer outing as a last hurrah before seventh year begins, Remus & Sirius finding themselves sharing a tent. As they face their fears and feelings, the Marauders turn toward seventh year, the First Wizarding War & everything that lies beyond. Wolfstar, Jily, Remus POV from Marauders era into the Second Wizarding War
1. Part One: Summer

_Moony-_

 _Can't believe summer is half over. Sirius and I are bored as hell over here and anxious for a little fun before we go back to Hogwarts. Care for a little Gryffindor camping trip at the lake? All the seventh years, and girls too (Sirius's idea and I can't say that I mind). Peter's in, too. We deserve a little fun before seventh year after all. Owl me back as soon as you can._

 _Prongs_

Remus grinned, unsurprised by James's latest scheme. Prongs was notorious for summer boredom, and Remus had already received countless owls from his friend since school let out in June. Camping itself didn't seem that great, but it would be nice to see his friends again—well, some of them, anyway. They didn't have much time left together. James especially was feeling the pressure of their final year of school. One last chance for him to pair up with Lily Evans. One last chance for fun before they had to face the real world and whatever the war with You-Know-Who and the Death Eaters was going to bring.

Remus noticed another scrap of paper, and turned it over to find a letter from Sirius, who had moved in with the Potters earlier that year. He felt a pinch of nerves as he read the short note.

 _M-_

 _James says it's my idea to invite girls, but you KNOW he's all about getting in a tent with Evans. Bet you a Galleon she says no._

 _-P_

 _PS. I'm still sorry._

Remus let a long slow breath out through his nose, and tossed both letters down on the table. It wasn't the first apology letter he had received from Sirius that summer, and he didn't intend to answer it.

There were two reasons why he was not inclined to correspond with Sirius. One reason—the reason for the apology—was well known among the Marauders. In the spring, Sirius had played an exceedingly dangerous prank, a prank that had nearly brought Severus Snape face-to-face with Remus at the full moon. Remus, as a fully transformed, out-of-control werewolf. If James hadn't interfered, Snape almost certainly would have died.

As it was, James had saved Snape's life, and Remus had only to live with the fact that he was _capable_ of such a killing, not that he had actually done it. That, and the fact that one of his best friends had set him up for the sake of a prank.

"Look, I don't know what came over me," Sirius had tried to explain. "It's just- Snape is such a prat, and he's always groveling around those Death Eaters, Lucius Malfoy and Reg—and the others. Calling Evans a Mudblood. At least Lucius was born into that cesspool, but Snape is a half-blood and he still chose it. He disgusts me."

"That doesn't mean you get to make _me_ kill him!" Remus had shouted angrily, while James and Peter sat in worried silence. "You didn't even give me a choice!" Remus couldn't remember ever having been angrier in his life. He felt as though the werewolf within him could leap out at any moment. "I have little enough control as it is!"

"I _know!_ I just wasn't thinking!" Sirius had grabbed Remus by the arm to stop him from leaving, pulled him in so they were standing eye-to-eye. "Remus, _please_. You can't stay mad at me forever."

For a moment, Remus wavered, disarmed by Sirius's proximity and the heavy emotion in his eyes, but then he pulled away. "Don't you _dare_ tell me what I can do."

Things remained frosty between the two boys until the end of the year. They spoke little to one another, and only in the presence of Peter and James. But Sirius was still Sirius, charming and doggedly loyal, and Remus too exhausted and level-headed to hold a grudge. Sirius continued to join him each full moon, his Animagi form a loyal companion to the wolf. Perhaps that was why Remus didn't write Sirius off altogether. There was a part of him that knew Remus and understood him in a way that few others ever could, or would.

But there was more to it than that, and that was the second reason why Remus wanted to avoid Sirius, though he could barely admit it to himself. The truth was that he had felt tension with Sirius long before the dangerous prank on Snape, a new kind of tension and awareness that he had previously only noticed with girls. Most of the time he tried to ignore it, but that was nearly impossible as the year wore on.

He couldn't quite identify the feeling for a long time. It had something to do with Sirius's confidence and ease, the way he stretched his body out in front of the fire in the Gryffindor common room. The way he leaned forward on his broomstick at Quidditch practice, showing just a few inches of his tanned, muscular back. The way he flopped down on the couch next to Remus, smiling and carelessly extending his arm across the back of the couch, smelling like sweat and the outdoors and cigarettes and life itself.

In their sixth year, the things that Remus had never particularly noticed about his friend became _all_ he noticed. And Remus found that he had a secret in addition to being a werewolf, a secret that he couldn't tell the Marauders. He was attracted to Sirius Black.


	2. Chapter 2

James managed to pull the camping trip together in very little time, showing a level of enthusiasm that he normally reserved for pranks. Most of the Gryffindor seventh years were able to join in, including the elusive Lily Evans. James and Sirius scheduled the outing for one week after the following full moon without Remus even needing to remind them. That was why he could never quit the Marauders, no matter what happened between them, he thought with a sigh. They cared about him in a way that nobody else ever had.

One week beforehand, James sent him a portkey and a short note. _Don't worry about a thing. Mum is sending along food, we'll just have to cook it. Sirius is going to get butterbeer from God knows where, maybe even firewhiskey. I've got two tents the Marauders can use. Might be cold though. See you soon. -J_

On the appointed day, he dutifully grabbed hold of the Portkey, and was transported to a small hilltop clearing surrounded by trees. At the bottom of the hill, down a narrow path, he could see the sparkle of the lake. He glanced nervously into the trees, but couldn't see anything except a few squirrels. It was silent and peaceful except for the chirping of birds, just as James had promised.

Moments later, the others began to appear. James and Sirius arrived clutching the same old soda can, laughing as they tumbled to the ground together. "All right, Moony?" James asked, scrambling to his feet.

"Yeah," Remus said, reaching out to give him a hand. He felt a burst of nerves upon seeing Sirius, but avoided eye contact. _Coward,_ he thought. "Looks like it's all coming together as planned."

"Definitely." James glanced around. "Hey Wormtail!" Peter Pettigrew had arrived, clutching an oversized duffle bag and a pillow. Nearby, Marlene, Ruby, and Alice appeared together, gripping a piece of an old tire, and there, just beyond a clump of trees, was Lily Evans, a broken broom handle at her feet.

"Hey Evans!" James called. "Welcome to the party!"

Lily pursed her lips. "Hello, Potter."

"Maybe don't shout at her as if she were a dog," Sirius advised in a whisper. "I don't think she likes it. Just a hunch." Remus laughed in spite of himself, and Sirius looked pleased.

James glared at them and jogged over to help Lily with her bag. "I see what the _real_ purpose of this get-together was," Marlene said wryly, approaching the other boys. "You know Lily can see right through him."

"Course she can," Remus said, grinning. "Makes it all the more fun for the rest of us." Marlene laughed, and the soon-to-be seventh years wandered down the narrow path to the lake, where they found space for the tents, a picnic table, and a firepit.

"My parents used to come here," James explained, setting down his bags. "It was actually their idea that we use it."

"I haven't camped since I was a child!" Lily said with delight. She and Marlene peeled off their shoes and socks and stood in the ankle deep water, arms outstretched, laughing. Sirius joined them, picking up a flat stone and skipping it across the unbroken water. "Seven skips!" he crowed. "Can you beat that, Evans?"

Whatever his complicated feelings for Sirius might be, Remus felt the tension in his chest begin to dissipate as he watched them. To him, the outdoors had always been synonymous with his dread of the full moon and distrust of the danger that lurked within the Forbidden Forest. This was different, he realized, as he looked out at the lake and witnessed the others' easy enjoyment. He could see a glimpse of what it meant to be part of the outdoors without fearing its power or identifying with its danger.

The Marauders set up the two tents provided by James' parents, and stepped back to survey their handiwork. "They're pretty simple," James said quickly. "Not like those fancy multi-room things. Not self-warming, either. Just a couple cots in each one, blankets, you know."

"So we're going to be cold, is what you're saying," Remus said. He eyed the girls' tent, which was much larger. "Wow, Marlene! There's a _kitchen_ in here?" he heard Lily say as she disappeared inside.

"Think they have room for one more?" Sirius said, looking wistfully in their direction. "I could use a little company tonight anyway…" Remus rolled his eyes. "Maybe Evans has room in her bunk."

"Very funny, Padfoot," James said. "If it wasn't for me, you'd be sleeping out in the grass."

"Fine, fine. But dibs not sharing with Peter," Sirius said. "He talks in his sleep."

"Come on," Peter whined. "Then I dibs not sharing with Remus. He snores so loud."

"Peter," James said in warning, looking pointedly between Remus and Sirius, who were standing as far apart as they could be within the same circle.

"We're literally standing right here," Remus snapped, irritably.

"You can stay with me," Sirius said quickly. "I'm a deep sleeper."

Remus sighed, immediately feeling the knot in his stomach return. "Fine. I'll stay with Sirius."

"O-kay then," James said uncomfortably. "I guess that leaves you and me, Pete. I'll just stuff a sock in your mouth if you talk too much, no harm done."

The girls emerged from their tent and joined their circle. "Nice tents, boys," Lily said. "Very quaint."

"We're _camping_ , if you didn't notice, Evans. If I wanted a five-star experience I'd stay in a hotel."

"Oh, I see," Lily said. "So I take it this is going to be a traditional camping experience? No home comforts and no magic?" She winked at the other girls.

"Yes, exactly," James said enthusiastically, at the same time that Sirius gave an emphatic " _No."_

"Scared, Black?" Lily asked.

"I just don't want to freeze my arse off in Potter's pathetic excuse for a tent," Sirius explained. Marlene giggled. "Almost all of us are of age now. Why wouldn't we use magic?" Remus was inclined to agree.

"You purebloods are so weak," Lily said, hand on her hip.

"It'll be fun, Sirius!" James said. "No magic allowed. If anyone does use magic and is found out, they treat everyone to a round of butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks on our first Hogsmeade weekend."

"Small price to pay in exchange for a hot meal and a comfortable sleep tonight," Sirius said.

"Oh please, like Muggles never have a hot meal," Lily said huffily.

James grinned. "Okay, a round at the Three Broomsticks _and_ you make breakfast for everyone on Sunday morning, without magic."

Sirius threw up his hands. "Fine, Potter. Not that it matters; you'll be the one who caves first." James grinned and stuck up his hand to high-five Lily, who left him hanging for only a moment before slapping it with her own. James' smile widened.

"All right then," she said with a mischievous grin. "As our host, I assume you'll be starting the fire for cooking, Potter?"

"Uh, right. Sure. A fire," James said. Remus caught Sirius's eye across the circle, and couldn't resist a small grin. There was absolutely no way James knew how to make a fire. "We'll need...wood. Can anyone, I mean, does anyone know how to cut down a tree?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "All right, that's it," she said briskly. "As much as I'd love to see you lose this bet within ten minutes, I'm also starving and I don't want to see Potter with a saw in his hand. Who wants to collect firewood with me?"

"I will!" James said quickly. "I mean, I can help. If, uh, nobody else wants to."

Marlene and Alice giggled, and Sirius made a grand, sweeping motion with his hands. "By all means, Prongs," he grinned. "Wouldn't stand between you and Ev- I mean, _dinner."_

The rest of the day passed more or less without incident. Lily helped James start the fire, and he was so enthusiastic about it that she barely even poked fun at him when he singed his eyebrows. The sausages were a bit burned, it was true, but Remus felt comfortable and almost peaceful as he relaxed by the fire, a butterbeer in his hand.

So far, he had been able to avoid further run-ins with Sirius as well, although the more he thought about sharing a tent together, the more his stomach sank and his heart rate quickened. He wasn't sure if being in such close proximity to Sirius would make him want to fight the other boy or kiss him. He blushed in the growing darkness at the thought. They'd only be sleeping, he told himself. They wouldn't even have to talk.

When Sirius produced a bottle of firewhiskey and began passing it around the fire, Remus decided to call it a night. He said his goodbyes and went back to the tent, hoping he'd be fast asleep by the time his tent-mate turned in.


	3. Chapter 3

Unfortunately, Remus had only just begun to make up his cot when Sirius burst through the tent flap.

"Firewhiskey out already?" Remus asked, cursing inwardly.

"No. I just...I just wanted to come to bed." This seemed unlikely, but Remus didn't press it. Sirius never passed up a chance to stay up late, drinking and flirting with girls.

Remus frowned as he sifted through his backpack, realizing that he hadn't even brought anything to sleep in. Of course, he hadn't considered that he'd be alone in a tent with Sirius. He stripped down to his underwear and slid into his sleeping bag as quickly as he could, feeling Sirius's eyes on him. Remus wanted to snap at him to keep his eyes to himself. _Don't be stupid_ , he told himself instead, feeling flustered. _You've been sharing a dormitory for years. It's nothing he hasn't seen already._

"I didn't bring anything to sleep in either," Sirius said, as though this were all perfectly normal. "Didn't expect it to be this cold in fucking July-"

"James said it's always colder at the lake," Remus said flatly.

"Right." Sirius slipped out of his sweater and t-shirt at once, revealing his bare, muscled back. He rubbed his arms for warmth, and Remus felt his face flush.

 _Shut your eyes. You do not need to watch this,_ he chastised himself. Still, he couldn't resist watching Sirius slip out of his jeans, standing for a moment in just a pair of tight Gryffindor-red boxer briefs. Remus felt himself responding in a rather embarrassing way as his eyes followed the lines of his friend's body. Sirius was as attractive as ever, and Remus was reminded of all the times he'd covertly watched his friend undressing in their dormitory in the last year. Still, there was something infinitely more erotic about watching him alone, in a tent. He was grateful when Sirius finally hopped into his sleeping bag.

"Fuck," Sirius muttered. "Fuck Prongs and his stupid need to impress Evans. A warming charm would be so easy."

"Mmhmm." Remus agreed, pulling his blanket up over his chin. The night was silent except for the occasional burst of laughter from the firepit. Remus shivered in his sleeping bag and rubbed his hands together. If things were normal between he and Sirius he'd suggest that they both cast a warming charm and suffer the consequences of the bet together. But things weren't normal.

"Listen, Remus, are we going to fight forever?"

Remus sighed. "We're not fighting."

"Bullshit. You're still mad at me—and I know, I know I deserve it. But we don't have a lot of time left, you know? We only have one more year at Hogwarts. I just need to know what I can do to make it better."

"So that's why you came to bed early," Remus said irritably. "To interrogate me."

"Yeah."

He didn't say anything for a long time. Part of him wanted to just move on and forgive Sirius, to spare them both the awkwardness of this conversation. And part of him still wanted to avoid speaking to his friend ever again. Is that because of the prank on Snape, or because of the way you felt when he undressed just now? He frowned in the darkness.

"Remus, are you sleeping?" Sirius finally whispered.

As if he could fall asleep now. "I just don't understand why, Padfoot," he said finally. "How could you do that to me?"

Sirius took a deep breath. "I can tell you, but it might not change anything. I still did it, you know? I can't take that back."

Remus knew. "Try me," he said anyway.

"Okay, but I'm seriously fucking freezing. Can I sleep a little closer to you? I wouldn't ask if I wasn't about to freeze my balls off over here."

Remus grimaced in the darkness. Every reason he had for avoiding Sirius Black was coming to a head tonight in this tent and there was nothing he could do to stop it. "Fine, come over—but just till we warm up."

"You got it." Sirius scrambled out of his sleeping bag. "Fuckfuckfuck," he muttered. Remus saw the silhouette of his friend's nearly-naked body for a second, and then Sirius was under the covers with him, as though it were the most normal thing in the world. He was so close that Remus could feel his breath, so close that their arms were touching. Sirius laid his head down on Remus's pillow.

"This is ridiculous," Remus complained. "I'm trying to be fucking mad at you, and instead we're doing the gayest thing we've ever done." He flushed in the darkness, wishing he hadn't said the word _gay._ What if Sirius thought—

"No, _this_ is the gayest thing we've ever done." Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus and pulled him in close so their torsos were touching. Spooning. Remus's eyes flew open, and he thought his heart might beat out of his chest.

"This is ridiculous," he said again, glad at least that his growing erection was facing the other direction. He wondered if Sirius would have done this with James or Peter. He was pretty sure this wasn't normal straight-guy behavior. But then again, when had the Marauders ever been normal?

"Warmer, though right?" Sirius asked, his breath hot on Remus' neck.

"Yeah," Remus agreed. It was warmer, but sleep felt much further away. "So what were you going to tell me?"

Sirius shifted uncomfortably. "I just...you should know why I was so mad at Snape that day."

"Mad enough to literally kill him and ruin my life." This was a bad idea, Remus thought. He was already tense as hell, laying here with Sirius's arms around him, and now he had to listen to him try to defend the indefensible. "I already know Snape is a prat and you don't like him. But that's not good enough."

"I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, or even justified," Sirius said quickly. "It was like a...a buildup. He'd been calling Lily a Mud—well, you know what he calls her, and James was so upset, and I was tired of it all. But that wasn't the real reason, not really."

Remus waited. He tried to focus on Sirius's words, but he found himself distracted by the terrible timing of it all, and especially by his friend's breath on the back of his neck, and his hand on his chest, and their legs tangled together under the blankets. "Go on," he said finally.

"I was mad because over Christmas break, Regulus showed me...he showed me that he had taken the Dark Mark." Sirius's voice broke, and Remus felt his stomach twist with sudden nausea, his arousal nearly forgotten.

"The Dark Mark?" he whispered. "But he's so young, my God, Sirius…"

"I was so angry, Remus. So angry at Regulus and at my fucking family, my own younger brother not even sixteen and taking the Dark Mark, and my parents elated about it. They told me that I'd have to take it this summer when I came home. That's the real reason why I'm living with James."

"You should have told us! We could have...we could have been there for you," Remus finished lamely.

"I was ashamed," Sirius said quietly. "You lot have these nice, upstanding families, and mine is just pureblood bullshit. Death Eaters, Remus. They're Death Eaters. My little brother is a Death Eater."

"My family's not that nice," Remus said, but he knew what Sirius meant. He knew about shame, too. "So what did that have to do with Snape?"

Sirius sighed. "Nothing, and everything. That day—that day I told him how to get to the Shrieking Shack for the full moon—I saw him talking to Regulus and Lucius Malfoy. Regulus had his arm out and was showing it to Snape. Malfoy was clapping him on the back, and Snape was saying how he couldn't wait to get his, and prove his loyalty to the Dark Lord and they'd show all the Mudbloods then, and Regulus was just preening like he thought he was so fucking cool, and all the work I'd done to try to convince my brother not to be with those guys was for nothing, just for nothing."

Remus was shocked to feel wetness on the back of his neck. Sirius was crying.

"And all I could think about was how Snape and Malfoy had ruined my brother's life," he continued after a moment. "And the worst of it was, Snape chose them." This part, Remus had heard before. "Regulus and I have to fight against our family if we ever want to be something different, and Reg could never do it. But Snape chose it, and he goaded my brother along with him. Regulus didn't even have a chance. And all I could think was that Snape deserved to die for what he'd done. He could have been anything, and he chose to be a little Death Eater creep."

Sirius was crying in earnest now, and Remus felt the full depth of his friend's grief and regret. He turned carefully under the covers so that they were facing one another, inches apart.

"God, Sirius," Remus whispered, wrapping his arms around the other boy. "I am so sorry."

"I know it was wrong," Sirius whispered. "No matter what Regulus or Snape did, I should never have done that to you. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes," Remus whispered. "I forgive you." He wiped the tears from Sirius's eyes with the blanket and gave him a close, awkward hug that was all elbows and chins and jawlines.

Sirius laughed through his tears. "All right, that's enough of that," he said, pulling away. "Don't tell James about this."

"My lips are sealed. He'll just be relieved we're not fighting anymore."

"I'm relieved, too." And then, incredibly, Sirius leaned forward, and kissed Remus on the mouth. "Sorry," he said, laughing at Remus's shocked expression. "It's just, we're so fucking close to each other right now, and I'm so glad we're finally okay again…" His voice trailed off. "It sort of felt like the right thing to do. I've missed you so much."

They stared at each other in the dim light, Sirius's face still wet with tears, his hand still on Remus's hip. "Aw, hell," he said, leaned forward and kissed Remus again, and this time, Remus kissed him back. It was a short kiss but it felt like a lifetime, their eyes closed and their bare chests pressed together under the blanket. Remus was sure Sirius could feel his heart beating harder than ever in his chest.

"We...we should go to sleep," Remus whispered when they broke apart. "You can stay here...if you want. It's still cold," he added quickly.

"Right. Yeah," Sirius agreed. Remus rolled to face the other way, and Sirius draped an arm over him. For comfort, Remus told himself. For warmth. But somehow, he wasn't so sure that was the truth.


	4. Chapter 4

Remus woke with his face smashed against Sirius' shoulder. "Moony, wake up," Sirius muttered, giving him a shove. "You're drooling."

"Sorry." Remus sat up, bleary eyed, and wiped his mouth. He noted with some embarrassment that he was showing some significant signs of morning arousal under the blanket, and wondered if Sirius had been able to tell. "I slept like a rock.

"Me too. Didn't even hear you snore." Sirius stood up and stretched, his bare muscled back facing Remus. Remus must have seen Sirius stretch like that a hundred times, but suddenly it felt different. He sucked in a breath, unable to tear his eyes away. He felt suddenly very conscious that those arms had been holding him all night, that he'd been pressed up against his friend's muscular chest as though they were something much more than two heterosexual friends. It was just for warmth, he told himself again. Sirius was just looking for warmth, and so was he. Not that that explained that second kiss. He decided not to mention it unless Sirius did first. The last thing they needed was more tension, now that they were finally friends again.

The second day of their trip was beautiful despite the slight chill in the air. James and Lily were noticeably absent for much of the day; Marlene whispered with delight that they had packed a picnic lunch and left early on a hike.

"Shit, James might actually get that kiss," Sirius grinned.

At least one of us is getting lucky this weekend," Peter said, glancing at the remaining girls, who were doing their best to heat the leftover sausage over the fire without Lily's expert guidance.

"Speak for yourself, Pete," Sirius said. "Remus and I had a terribly romantic night last night." Remus felt his face flush and quickly bent down to tie his shoe

"Gross," Peter said. "I'll leave you to it, then. I'm going to go see if Alice wants to take the canoe out." He sauntered off.

"He's going to strike out again," Remus said, shaking his head. "Alice only has eyes for Frank Longbottom."

"Yeah, but Frank graduated last year. Maybe this is Peter's time to shine," Sirius said, gazing out at the lake. "Shame there aren't any Hufflepuffs along on this trip. I was just about to seal the deal with Tenley Smelter before term ended. Can't get anywhere with Gryffindor girls."

 _Maybe you should try Gryffindor boys instead,_ Remus thought before he could stop himself. "That's because you burned all those bridges already," he said instead. _A couple late-night, overly emotional kisses does not mean Sirius is actually interested in you._ "How many of the Gryffindor seventh years have you made out with by now?"

"Just Marlene and Ruby," Sirius said, putting up his hands in fake offense. "And you, of course," he added nonchalantly.

Remus's face flushed deeply. "I—that—we didn't make out!"

Sirius laughed. "All right, all right. It was only a joke. But if we're counting plain old kisses, I've done that with all the girls except Lily, and that's only because I promised James-"

"And because she won't have you."

"Maybe," Sirius grinned, but Remus felt a sense of foreboding. He may have worked through his anger with Sirius last night, but the other thing—whatever that kiss represented—still threatened whatever shaky normalcy they'd built back up. They sat atop the picnic table, their arms touching. Remus tried to remember if they had ever sat like that before, or if this intimacy was something new. In the distance, Peter and Alice were attempting to get in a canoe, the boat tipping precariously.

"Do you like anyone, Remus?" Sirius asked suddenly. "I mean, James is after Lily, and then there's Peter and Alice, and me and-"

"You and everyone," Remus finished, not wanting to hear whatever Sirius was going to say. Sirius laughed. "No, I'm not interested in any girls." He flushed, wishing he hadn't specified _girls_ at the end. "I just...people don't usually like me. Not like that. Not like how they like you and James."

Sirius didn't respond. They sat quietly, looking out at the lake, the backs of their hands brushing against one another. An accident, Remus was sure. They watched Peter and Alice, who had managed to get in the canoe and were paddling in small, awkward circles near the dock. Alice's bright, clear laughter rang out across the water.

"Wonder if James is back yet?" Sirius asked finally.

"Dunno. Maybe they're lost.

"James would like that," Sirius smirked. He stood and stretched. "I'm gonna go take a leak. I think it's almost time for lunch, anyway."

"Sure. I'll meet you over at the firepit," Remus said, glancing up at him. But Sirius didn't leave right away. He lingered, kicking at a clod of dirt and watching the lake as though he were extremely interested in whatever Peter and Alice were up to.

"Remus, you're a lot more likeable than you think. And you can trust me on that, because I only kiss the likeable ones." He reached out and tentatively placed his hand on top of Remus's, letting it rest there for a moment. "You're more than most people deserve." Before Remus could even think about how to reply, Sirius removed his hand and sauntered off into the trees, leaving Remus staring after him, perplexed.

He kept his distance from Sirius for the rest of the day, stretching out on the grass with a book for most of the afternoon. James and Lily were still noticeably absent, and Peter, Sirius, and the other girls devised a new magic-less game that from what Remus could tell looked something like a combination of Quidditch and Muggle football.

Whatever moment they had shared at the picnic table seemed to have evaporated. Sirius seemed fully engaged in the afternoon's activities, flirting with the girls and teasing Peter. Later, at the campfire, Marlene had a few too many butterbeers and landed tipsily into Sirius's lap. For a moment, his eyes found Remus's, but then Marlene was wrapping her arms around him and giving him a loud, smacking kiss on the mouth. Sirius didn't push her away, laughing and holding her butterbeer just out of reach.

Remus turned quickly to talk to Peter. Clearly, the kisses last night meant nothing, and the moment on the picnic table meant nothing either. It was Sirius being Sirius, and nothing more. He should be grateful that they were friends again, and that Sirius was willing to go through such awkward lengths to cheer Remus up. It was nothing more than that. Chances were that Sirius would ask to bring Marlene back to their tent tonight, and he'd be bunking with James and Peter. He couldn't expect Sirius to change who he was just because they'd had a good talk and shared a tent together overnight.

Just before dark, Lily and James appeared in the clearing, James with his hair wild, a wide grin on his face, and Lily looking demure and unreadable as ever. Sirius gently tipped Marlene onto the ground and came over to Remus and Peter. "Look who's back," he said, pulling up a chair between them. Remus glanced quickly at Marlene, who was looking perturbed as she climbed back up into his Sirius's abandoned chair. "Think James got lucky?"

Remus laughed. "Doubtful. James always looks that happy if Lily so much as smiles at him." Sirius grinned, and Remus found himself smiling widely, too.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thank you for reading, and for reviewing! This is my first time publishing a fanfic, though I've had ideas bouncing around in my head for years. I intend to take this story into the Marauder's seventh year and beyond. But first...one more night in the tent.

The evening wore on, and Remus found himself deep in a late-night conversation with Ruby and Peter. He was surprised to look up and find that it was quite late, and nearly everyone else had already gone to bed. He said his goodnights and trudged back to the tent, half-expecting to find Marlene and Sirius already there. But when he unzipped the tent flap, he found Sirius alone, already in bed— _Remus's_ bed, with all the blankets piled atop him. That answered that question, then.

"Hurry up," Sirius muttered sleepily. "I'm bloody freezing." Remus flushed and quickly removed his clothes, shivering in anticipation of laying next to Sirius for another entire night.

"I doubt that. You have all the blankets." He took a deep breath and slipped between the covers.

"Fuck, Remus. You're like ice. I had it all warmed up in here, and you—"

"This was _your_ idea," Remus interrupted, pulling the covers up around him. He let Sirius pull him close, just like the night before.

"It's okay, Moony. I'll warm you up."

"Thanks," he said, trying to sound sarcastic. It just felt too damn good, Sirius's arms around him, pulling him into the heat of his body. It felt comfortable and easy and right, and now it had become a routine...He closed his eyes and willed himself to relax and fall into sleep. Sirius, however, had other ideas.

"Moony, listen," he said suddenly. "I'm sorry I kissed you last night. I don't know what came over me, I just _wanted_ to." He shifted nervously behind Remus. "This is apparently the weekend for deep personal admissions, I guess. I didn't mean to make anything weird, is all I'm saying."

"We were—we are—literally spooning. I think this is already weird," Remus said with forced levity. Sirius didn't say anything. _Maybe there's more to this than I had thought,_ Remus thought with a start. "Padfoot," he said, trying to keep his voice neutral. "...do you still...want to?"

Sirius took a deep, shaky breath behind him, close enough that Remus could feel the intake of air. "Yes. But listen, Moony, it's not a big deal. I can go sleep in my own cot, it's not that cold tonight. I—"

The next day, Remus wouldn't be able to account for how he was able to do what he did next. Just knowing that Sirius wanted it, even if _it_ was only a kiss, made all the difference. He rolled over, still in Sirius's embrace, and before he could think it through and change his mind, he kissed his friend full on the lips. Sirius opened his eyes in astonishment for a split second before opening his mouth to deepen the kiss. They held each other close, pressing their bodies against one another, extending the kiss on and on. It felt amazing, unlike any kissing Remus had done before. He'd enjoyed kissing girls, but kissing Sirius was different. It was new and exciting and sexy as hell.

Remus gasped out loud when Sirius brushed his fingers across his chest. Everything Sirius did, everywhere he touched him, felt so damn good. _I can't believe this is happening,_ he thought. A voice inside his head worried that he'd regret it later, but instead of indulging it, he put his hand on the small of Sirius's back and pulled his friend even closer, feeling the full length of their bodies pressed together. It was almost more than Remus could handle, and he couldn't stop a small moan from escaping his lips. He could feel Sirius smiling into his mouth.

"Fuck, Padfoot," he gasped, pulling away. "Is this...is this okay? Should we be doing this?"

"I don't care," Sirius whispered. "Do you?"

"No," Remus breathed, and then Sirius's mouth was back on his and his hands were _everywhere_.

"God, Sirius," he cried out loudly, and Sirius laughed, clapping his other hand over Remus's mouth. "Shhh," he whispered. Remus was amazed at the pulse of arousal and desperation in his body. He felt almost more animalistic than he had ever felt at the full moon. They kissed and explored each other until late in the night, until at last they fell back onto the pillows, flushed and breathing heavily.

"Well, shit," Sirius said at last, interlacing his fingers with Remus's under the covers. "I hope you know that I'm going to want to do that again."

Remus let out a long, slow breath. "Me, too."


	6. Chapter 6

Remus woke first on the second morning. Sirius's head was on his chest, his long hair tangled and covering his face. They'd slept in, and the morning sun had already warmed the tent. Remus was sweaty and uncomfortable, pinned beneath Sirius and the blankets, but moving was simply not an option. If he moved, Sirius might wake up and the night would be over. The longer he could avoid that, the better.

Tentatively, he reached down to brush the hair out of Sirius's eyes, and looked down at his sleeping friend. The night before had been like something out of his wildest, most obscene fantasies, the kind of fantasy he didn't even like to admit to himself. Just that Sirius had admitted to wanting to kiss him was more than enough, but what had happened after that was something else entirely, something they might not be able to come back from, if they wanted to at all.

"You're sweatier than any girl I've ever been with, Moony," Sirius muttered suddenly, his eyes still closed. "Are you watching me sleep?"

"Yeah," Remus admitted, and Sirius laughed, rolling off Remus and onto his side. Remus immediately pushed the blankets off their chests. "Fuck, that's better."

Sirius propped his head up on his arm and surveyed Remus's naked torso. "What?" Remus said suspiciously, feeling suddenly self conscious of the scars crisscrossing his body, even though he knew Sirius had not only seen all of them before, he'd also been present when Remus had inflicted many of them upon himself at the full moon.

"Just looking," Sirius said casually.

"It's nothing you haven't seen before."

"Yeah, but now I can look without having to hide how much I like it," Sirius explained with a smirk, taking an exaggerated sweep up and down Remus's body with his eyes. Remus flushed, remembering exactly what they had done with their bodies the night before. Then he realized what Sirius had said.

"You...have you been looking at me? Before this weekend?" he asked in surprise. He was gratified to see the unshakeable Sirius Black blush.

"Yeah, but...I mean, I didn't know why. I mean, I've always been into girls, you know?" He paused, considering. "I guess whenever I thought a bloke...like er, _you_...was hot it was just because it was reminding me of sex or something. But now I think there might be more to it than that."

Remus nodded. He understood all too well. He just never would have imagined that Sirius Black could feel the same way he did. Or that Sirius Black could think he was _hot_.

"You've known though, haven't you?" Sirius asked. He ran his fingers down Remus's chest, and Remus shivered. "When you kissed me last night, you knew you would like it."

"I had a hunch," Remus admitted. "But I didn't know how to feel about it. Or about you. Especially this last year. I…" Remus paused, uncomfortable.

"You what?"

"Well, let's just say I've been hiding my...attraction...every time you come out of the shower," Remus said, gesturing to his lap, his face flushing.

"Let me see," Sirius demanded, yanking down the blanket. Remus's blush deepened. "I see what you mean," Sirius teased, slipping his hand into the waistband of Remus's underwear. Remus took a deep, shaky breath. Despite what they had done last night, in the daylight it was something different. It wasn't just a late night romp after too much fresh air and butterbeer, and it would be a lot more difficult to laugh off later. Today it felt real. And it felt _good_ , he had to admit, especially as Sirius's hands wandered further.

"Well, that settles it," Sirius said a few minutes later, finally letting Remus collapse against the pillow. "I'm definitely into blokes."

"Me too," Remus admitted, and despite the uncertainty of it all, it felt good to admit what he'd been hiding for so long. He was just about to reach for Sirius when footsteps came clomping around to the front of the tent. Sirius groaned in frustration.

"Are you two seriously still asleep?" James asked from outside. Remus hurriedly pulled the covers up over them, and Sirius stifled a laugh. "It's almost eleven and the portkeys leave at 12."

"Yes, _Mum_ , we're waking up," Sirius called. "We were up late, er, talking."

They didn't speak much as they packed up their things. It was probably for the best, Remus thought ruefully. It was too soon, and there was too much to say. Or maybe there was too little to say, and this was all it would ever be. He chewed his lip nervously.

"Hey," Sirius said, grabbing Remus's arm before they exited the tent. "Don't do that thing you do, where you worry and overthink everything. We'll figure this out, whatever it is."

"We have two weeks till term starts," Remus said. "What—"

"Don't worry about two weeks from now." Sirius said. "We'll figure it out. Just worry about now. Only now, okay?" He pulled Remus in by the arm and gave him one last lingering kiss. "Because now feels pretty damn good."

They pulled away from one another, Remus feeling dazed and weak at the knees. He wasn't entirely sure what happened next, but somehow he tripped over Sirius's feet as he climbed out of the tent flap, landing on the ground atop a rather jagged rock.

"Shit," he hissed in pain. The knee of his jeans was torn open, and the cut was a mess of blood and dirt.

"Moony, are you okay?" Sirius knelt beside him instantly, a panicked expression on his face. "God, I'm sorry, I have no idea what happened there, I—"

"It's nothing," Remus grimaced. "Just a cut." It was a bad one though; his jeans were already soaked with blood.

"Evans, get your first aid kit," James called, jogging over to them. But before she could bring it over, Sirius pulled out his wand.

"Sirius, no—" Remus said quickly, but it was too late.

" _Tergeo_!" Sirius said, pointing the wand at Remus's knee. The wound still smarted, but it was instantly cleaned of the blood and grime.

"Sirius, the _bet_ ," Remus said with a laugh. "You just lost it."

"Definitely lost it," James said, looking down at them. "Quite the dashing hero, our Padfoot."

"It was just a scrape," Remus said, shaking his head. "Look, Sirius, now that the blood's gone you can see, it's nothing."

"Sure, I see that _now_ ," Sirius blushed. He looked around to make sure the girls were out of earshot, and lowered his voice. "It was a reflex! I saw you bleeding and thought of the full moon, all right? How many times have I done a healing charm on you after your transformation?"

Remus looked at him, startled. "I didn't know that. I thought it was always Madam Pomfrey…"

Sirius shrugged. "She does most of it," he said modestly. "It's not a big deal. I just clean you up a bit before you come to."

James laughed. "It's true, Sirius is always our resident healer." He glanced up to see the girls approaching. "And while that's very sweet, Padfoot, you still lost the bet. You're just lucky we already had breakfast."

Sirius lifted his hands. "All right. Next time I'll let Moony bleed out. But this time, butterbeers will be on me."

"Excellent," James said. "And now that we can do magic again..." With a wave of his wand, the tent disassembled, folding itself neatly into its bag. James picked it up and followed after the others.

Remus put his hand on Sirius's arm. "Thanks," he said softly. "For every time. I didn't know."

"Of course," Sirius said, looking rather embarrassed. He gripped Remus's hand with his own. "It's no big deal. I—"

"Are you two coming?" James called. "We can't find Lily's portkey."

"Yeah, we're coming," Sirius called. He helped Remus to his feet. "I know one way you can pay me back though."

"What's that?" Remus asked. He could think of several ways he'd like to pay Sirius back, starting with what they'd done in the tent.

"Split the cost of the butterbeers with me, will you?" Sirius said, grinning. "Marlene can _really_ put them away." Remus rolled his eyes, and together, they went off to join their friends.


	7. Chapter 7

_Moony-_

 _Told you I would write. Listen though, my foul (fowl?) parents confiscated my owl. It flew back to Grimmauld Place and they won't let me have it back. I'm sharing with James till I can buy my own. I might not write much, but it's just a couple more weeks till we're all reunited as seventh years, so don't get too despondent. Hope your knee is better._

 _-Padfoot._

 _Moony-_

 _Sirius told me he was writing to you, so I wanted to add on. Sorry I was so busy with Lily on the trip. I think she and I might finally be able to make a go of it now though. Glad to hear you and Padfoot finally made up, too. Everything will be back to normal this year._

 _-Prongs_

 _M- He's not really sorry at all that he spent all that time with Evans. He's also wrong that everything will be back to normal, because he's left out the most important and utterly daft news of the summer. He just found out that he's HEAD BOY and Evans is HEAD GIRL. Can you believe it? What McGonagall was thinking is beyond me. - Sirius_

* * *

 _Padfoot & Prongs-_

 _Addressing this to the both of you since you're apparently one person with one postal address now. Very sweet. You cannot be serious that James is Head Boy. That's absurd, unless McGonagall is thinking that he'll be able to exert some control over the rest of us. Highly unlikely._

 _I'd say our days of marauding are over, but perhaps this can work to our advantage. James can distract his lady-love Head Girl, and the rest of us will be free and clear to do whatever we like. But then again, can a Head Boy ever truly be one of the Marauders? RIP, Prongs. It was a good run._

 _Yours in grief,_

 _Moony_

 _PS. Sorry to hear about your owl, Padfoot_

* * *

 _Remus-_

 _Did you hear that James is Head Boy? I'd have thought it'd be you. Looks like he'll get his wish and have loads of time with Evans this year since she's Head Girl. Guess it'll be the three of us- you, Sirius, and me._

 _Peter_

* * *

 _Moony-_

 _I'll be damned if I let you kick me out of the Marauders! I'm Prongs before Head Boy and that's a fact._

 _-Prongs_

 _PS. Sirius says hello, and to tell you that he misses your snoring, though I can't say I agree._


	8. Part Two: Seventh Year

Remus pulled his trunk along Platform 9 3/4 , his owl hooting miserably in its cage behind him. "We're almost there," he told it, looking around for his friends.

He felt of flutter of nerves when he finally spotted James and Sirius standing with their trunks. Both boys were both wearing Muggle clothes, and to anyone else they probably looked effortlessly casual and careless in their attire. Remus, however, knew that James' mother had taken them both clothes shopping the previous week, a fact that made their new outfits seem rather more adorable than cool. He had to admit that Sirius looked good, especially since he'd grown a bit since last year. His jeans were tight in all the right places, and the bottom of his shirt rode up to reveal a few inches of skin as he held something just out of James' reach. Nearby, a group of second year girls watched the two older boys, giggling and whispering among themselves. _Get a grip_ , Remus told himself, tearing his eyes away from Sirius's midriff. _You're just like them._ James ran his fingers through his hair, and the second-years giggled even harder.

As he got closer, he could see that Sirius was holding James' Head Boy badge up to the light, as though admiring it. Remus did somewhat understand why James had been made Head Boy. He himself had been a prefect back in fifth year, but he had handed his badge back in at the end of the year. It was too difficult to manage his duties when he had to recover from the full moon every single month. Meanwhile James, for all his talk, had become significantly more responsible as they had grown older, and Remus suspected McGonagall had awarded him the role of Head Boy as a reward for saving Snape's life last year. What that would mean for the Marauders was yet to be determined.

"You have to put it on," Sirius was saying to James. "How will anyone know that you're our esteemed Head Boy if you're not wearing the badge?" He grinned widely at Remus. "Hey Moony," he said. "Don't you think James should put his Head Boy badge on?"

"Certainly," Remus said. "If you don't, I might forget and do something against the rules."

"Oh my, we can't be breaking rules now, can we?" Sirius drawled with a wink at Remus. Remus grinned back, certain he had actual butterflies in his stomach.

"I will, okay!" James said. "Just let me enjoy my...my _youth_ for a few more minutes."

"Very well," Sirius said. "I expect Evans will be here to collect you momentarily anyhow." He turned to Remus importantly. "They're basically betrothed now, at least in his mind. He had two letters from her since the camping trip."

"I dunno," James said, his expression darkening. "I saw her earlier, but she was with Snape."

"They probably just traveled here together," Remus said quickly. "They live in the same area, right?"

"Right. She didn't look very happy with him either." He brightened slightly. "Anyway, Padfoot was all too happy to tell you about my letters, but meanwhile he received _four_ from Marlene since the trip. And here I thought that ship sailed back in fifth year—"

Remus felt the bottom drop out of his stomach.

"I told you, I didn't ask for those letters," Sirius said quickly, looking at Remus. "Didn't even want to answer them."

"We'll see. Care for a little bet, Moony? I bet you Padfoot here hooks up with Marlene by—"

"No!" Remus burst out. James looked at him in surprise. Remus flushed and took a deep breath. "I mean, no. I think I'm reformed, you see. No more betting. You see, one of my best friends is Head Boy, and I don't want to disappoint him." Sirius snorted with laughter.

"Very funny," James said, rolling his eyes. "Hey look, there's Peter!" He sauntered off down the platform, leaving Sirius and Remus to follow behind.

"You should have taken the bet," Sirius said in a low voice. "Because I certainly do not intent to 'hook up' with Marlene this year."

"Why not?" Remus asked, swallowing.

"Do you really have to ask?" Sirius said with a wink, and followed James down the platform. A slow smile spread across Remus's face.

The three boys collected Peter and boarded the train, struggling to find an empty compartment. Remus, walking ahead, peaking in doors. "We might have to split up," he said glumly. But then, he opened the last door to find Lily and Severus Snape shouting at one another. Remus closed it quickly before they could spot him, but their voices still carried into the hallway.

" _Really_!" Snape snarled at Lily. "So you refuse to see me all summer and then I find out you went on a trip! With _him_."

"Wait," Remus whispered to the other Marauders. James had his hand on his wand. "Don't go in there. Not yet." The four of them listened at the door.

"Oh, now it all comes out," Lily said. "It wasn't just _him_ , it was all of the Gryffindors. But so what if I spend time with James!"

"Let me go, Remus," James hissed. "If he lays a hand on her, I'll-"

"Wait," Remus said again, gripping James' arm. "They're just talking, and we've had enough trouble with Snape." Sirius grimaced and nodded in agreement, though his hands were in fists, knuckles white.

Lily's voice rose to a shout. "Do you really expect me to hang around with your Death Eater friends, Severus? I don't relish being called a Mudblood, nor do I quite care to spend time with people who wish I were dead."

"I would never let them hurt you," Snape said angrily. "But I can't protect you if you're going to run around being Potter's _whore_."

James snarled and pulled out of Remus's grip. He wrenched the door open, just in time to see Lily wind her arm back and slap Snape across the face. He stumbled back against the seat, and the four Marauders stared at the pair in shock.

"Oh, hello, James. Remus, Sirius, Peter." Lily said politely. Her voice was steady, but her eyes brimmed with angry tears. "Sorry you had to hear that. Severus was just leaving, if you four would like to sit down." She glared at Snape and pointed to the door.

Snape straightened up, his hand on his cheek, and pushed past the four of them, giving Peter a shove on his way out. Sirius's eyes blazed with hatred, but he made no move except to sit down on the seat next to Remus after Snape had gone.

"I was going to, er, give him a piece of my mind," James said awkwardly, sitting beside Lily. "But it looks as though you had it under control."

"Looks that way," Lily agreed, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. "I just couldn't stand it anymore, the things he was saying. I don't know what happened. He's so angry now."

James offered her a handkerchief, and the five of them sat in silence, nobody sure exactly what to say.

"He's not the only one like that," Sirius said unexpectedly. "I mean, Snape's a git, but-"

"Sirius," James said in warning, glancing nervously at Lily.

"Sorry. My point is that Snape might be a great blathering prat- sorry, again- but a lot of people don't make it out of Slytherin in one piece." It was an unusually empathetic statement from Sirius, and Remus knew he was thinking of his brother.

"Yes," Lily said, looking at him in understanding. "But the things they say, the things they do...people could _die_ because of it. Being from Slytherin is no excuse."

People could die because of it. She was right, Remus knew. Some already had. The war had escalated, and he was afraid that they wouldn't even be safe from it at Hogwarts. Especially now, when their own classmates spoke of Death Eaters and Dark Marks and threw around terms like Mudblood as if they were nothing. And after they graduated, what then? Remus thought nervously of the full moon, approaching again in just a couple weeks. Would there be a place in this new world for someone like him?

They said little until the trolley witch came by with her cart, and James leapt up to buy them all Chocolate Frogs. "Eat, you'll feel better," he said with a grin.

"You sound just like your mother," Sirius grumbled, and Lily gave a tentative laugh. The mood in the car was still somber, but they accepted the chocolate from James.

Peter wrapped his Frog and waved the card at them. "Newt Scamander," he announced. "Remember when you used to collect these, James?"

"No, that was Remus," Sirius said, glancing at him rather fondly. "I remember, you had stacks of them in your bureau in second year."

Remus smiled. "I did. Can't believe you remember that."

Sirius flashed him a smile that turned Remus's insides to jelly before he looking quickly at Lily. "Who'd you get?"

Lily held up her card, tightly gripping her frog in the other hand so it wouldn't hop away. "Dumbledore." She made an expression that was so uncannily like the headmaster's that they all burst into laughter.

"Not bad, Evans," Sirius said approvingly. "You next, Peter. Show us old Newt."

Watching, Remus leaned back in his seat, biting the head off his Chocolate Frog. Peter's abysmal impression of Newt Scamander soon sent them all into real peals of laughter, breaking the tension in the car at last. There was more uncertainty in the coming year than he could bear, but right now, approaching Hogwarts and eating chocolate with his friends, Remus felt almost content.

A/N: We're almost to Hogwarts! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing.


	9. Chapter 9

Remus and Sirius didn't find a moment alone until after the welcoming feast. The Gryffindors returned to their common room, full and exhausted, and James and Peter plopped down immediately in front of the fire. Sirius glanced at Remus. "I'm going to go up and change," he said loudly. "I'm feeling a little, er, warm."

"Me too. I mean, I'm cold," Remus stammered, though his face was flushed.

"Sure, whatever," James said, scanning the crowd, presumably looking for Lily. "I'm beat. Everyone keeps asking me for help since I've got this damn badge on."

Sirius shrugged at Remus, and the two boys nearly ran upstairs to their dormitory, letting the door slam shut behind them. Sirius strode toward Remus, who felt his knees go rather weak at the intensity in his friend's eyes.

"Wait," he said, putting a hand on Sirius's chest, keeping him at arm's length even though he wanted to do the opposite.

Sirius groaned impatiently. "What?"

"Did you mean it?" Remus asked. "What you said on the train platform about Marlene?"

Sirius looked puzzled for a moment, but then his eyes met Remus's with understanding. "Marlene and any other girl—or guy—you can think of," he said emphatically. "Moony, I have not been able to think of anything but you and that goddamned tent for the last two weeks. And I would have told you so sooner if James wasn't reading all my mail. The things I've fantasized about..." He paused, licking his lips, and Remus swallowed hard. "So can we snog yet?" Sirius finished, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Please," Remus whispered. He still had more questions, but they didn't have much time, and God, did he want Sirius to kiss him. He removed his hand from Sirius' chest and let the shorter boy grab his arms and pull him in, crashing his lips against Remus's in a messy, eager kiss. Remus reciprocated, surprised and relieved by how easy it was and how right it felt, even here, _especially_ here, in the dorm they'd shared for the past six years. He wrapped his arms around Sirius and slid his hands under his shirt, gratified to feel his friend shiver with pleasure at his touch. He kept going, sliding the shirt up and over Sirius's head.

Sirius raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Rather eager, aren't you, Moony?"

"I'm just helping you change your clothes," Remus said, though he let his eyes wander suggestively up and down Sirius's toned chest. "You said you were feeling warm—"

"Shut up," Sirius said, pushing him down onto his bed. "I'm feeling extremely warm now, as it happens." He unzipped his pants and let them fall down, kicking them off his feet. Remus blushed, staring openly at his friend's nearly naked body. As good as Sirius looked clothed in Muggle jeans and a tight shirt, he looked even better standing there in nothing but briefs. Sirius growled and pushed Remus flat on his back on the bed, climbing on top of him.

"The others could come in any minute!" Remus protested weakly, but he was already reaching for Sirius, pulling him closer. Sirius just grinned, covering Remus's mouth with his own.

* * *

The early weeks of fall passed quickly in the usual blur of classes, homework, and new routines. James and Sirius were almost immediately busy with Quidditch practice, which left Remus endless hours to study with Peter and only a few moments to snog Sirius in dark corners. Despite their passionate reunion on their first night back, moments alone in the dormitory were rare and the risk of getting caught was high. Once, they were able to spend a few blissful hours together in the Room of Requirement, but upon returning to the dormitory, they'd had to answer a barrage of questions from James and Peter about where they had been. And while James was often preoccupied with his Head Boy duties and wooing of Evans, Peter had little else to do besides tag along behind them.

"This sucks," Sirius grumbled as he, Peter, and Remus sat in the library, studying for an upcoming History of Magic exam. "Seventh year was supposed to be about pranks and fun and _living_ , and now James is Head Boy and we've got more homework than ever." Remus rolled his eyes and gently rubbed Sirius's leg with his foot under the table. In return, Sirius met his eyes with a look that managed to make him feel rather filthy, even from all the way across the table.

Peter agreed, oblivious to whatever was going on between his friends. "I know," he agreed glumly. "And Marlene told me that Alice is going to meet up with Frank Longbottom at our first Hogsmeade weekend. Not a great start to the year."

"Sorry, Wormtail," Remus said, though he wasn't exactly surprised. Everyone knew Alice was crazy about Frank. "Is there someone else you can ask?"

"Ask Marlene," Sirius said suddenly. "I expect she'll be needing a date."

"I thought you'd be asking her," Peter said in surprise. "You're not?"

Remus looked up with interest, waiting for Sirius's reply. He believed Sirius when he said he wasn't interested in Marlene, but Marlene's obvious interest in Sirius was a different matter. She and Lily both had taken to eating lunch with the Marauders in Great Hall and sitting with them in the Gryffindor common room after classes. Most of the Gryffindors probably shared Peter's assumption, including Marlene herself. After all, Sirius Black was not normally one to ignore such flattery and attention.

Sirius let his book close with a heavy thud and looked up at them. "No. I'm going with Remus."

Peter laughed, and Remus felt his face flush. "Really."

"Really." He grinned knowingly at Remus. "Hogsmeade dates are getting boring. Besides, I'd rather go with you lot anyway. If you buy stuff at Zonkos in front of a girl, you can't use it on her later." Peter laughed again, and Sirius leaned back in his chair, looking at Remus. "So what do you say, Moony? James will ditch us for Evans, Peter can take Marlene off my hands, and you and I can have some actual fun? God knows I could use it."

"Only if I don't get a better offer first," Remus teased. For a brief instant, Sirius looked almost hurt, and Remus kicked him under the table. "Don't worry, Padfoot. Maybe if you're lucky I'll take you on a moonlight walk to the Shrieking Shack. I've got a little surprise for you there…."

Peter guffawed, and Sirius grinned. "Great then, Moony. It's a date."

* * *

"I meant it, you know," Sirius whispered later in their dormitory, sitting down on the edge of Remus's bed. James and Peter were in the bathroom getting ready for bed, and the two boys were momentarily alone. He took Remus's book from his hands and closed it. "Hogsmeade. You and me."

Remus felt a sudden pinch of nerves. "Are you asking me on a date, Sirius Black?"

"I thought I already did," Sirius said. "Are you making me do it again?"

"Peter was there. Doesn't count."

"Well, nobody will know it's a date but us, but yeah." Sirius glanced at the bathroom door. "A date. Can't keep up all this sneaking around in corners without making an honest man of you, Moony."

He looked up at Remus expectantly, fiddling awkwardly with the buttons on his pajama top.

Remus grinned widely. He heard the water stop running in the other room, and grabbed Sirius's arm, pulling him in for a quick kiss. "Yes," he said happily. "It's a date."


	10. Chapter 10

It wasn't long before the first Hogsmeade weekend arrived. A few days prior, Peter announced happily that Marlene had agreed to go with him, due, Remus suspected, to some machinations on the part of Sirius.

"It's no big deal," Sirius shrugged when Remus pressed him. "I just made sure Marlene was in earshot and told Ruby that Peter had saved his neighbor's baby from an escaped hinkypuck this summer. And that loads of girls are absolutely dying for him to ask them out."

"That wasn't true at all," Remus snorted.

Sirius shruged and slipped his hand into Remus's back pocket. "It's true now."

James, too, had a date. After years of asking ("More like _pestering_ ," said Sirius), Lily Evans had finally agreed to go with him to Hogsmeade. "Can you believe I have a date with Evans?" James swooned melodramatically, falling back onto Peter's bed. "If the war comes now, I can die happy. I can't believe you two don't have dates though. It's our seventh year! We're running out of time, boys."

"Sirius says he's going with Remus," Peter smirked.

James laughed. "Well, they have been spending a lot of time together lately. Guess it's no surprise."

"Only because we've been abandoned by our esteemed Head Boy, Prongs, and Peter is now the Heartthrob of Gryffindor," Sirius said calmly, while Remus quietly panicked. "We've been left to our own devices for far too long."

"Whatever," James said, waving a hand dismissively. "I don't care who you go with. We'll all meet up at the Three Broomsticks at the end of the day either way."

* * *

"So, uh, Zonkos first?" Remus asked awkwardly, once Peter and James had wandered off with their dates. It was a chilly day in late October, and the streets of Hogsmeade were crowded with students and villagers alike.

"Yeah, all right," Sirius said with a shrug. "I want to get some of those Quik-Grow Spiders to hide in James' bed. He's been such a prat lately." Remus laughed, and they walked side by side to Zonkos. Sirius looked as good as ever, wearing a crisp autumn jacket and his usual tight jeans. Remus tried not to think about what he'd like to do to Sirius if they were alone. This was a _date_ , he reminded himself. Their first date, even if nobody knew it but them. Sirius did seem a little tense, he noticed, but perhaps Zonkos would perk him up.

A smattering of third and fourth year girls followed behind them, wondering loudly why Sirius Black didn't have a date this weekend. "I heard he's distressed because James Potter is here with Lily Evans," one whispered loudly.

Sirius scowled, and Remus hid a smile. On the other side of the street, he spotted Peter and Marlene walking together hand-in-hand. "Look at that," Remus said, nudging Sirius, hoping to distract him. "Your matchmaking worked better than we could have hoped." Sirius's scowl only deepened. He shoved his hands in his pockets and hurriedly entered Zonkos without saying a word. Remus followed after him in surprise.

Inside, Sirius headed straight for the Quik-Grow Spiders and silently tossed them onto the counter. Remus watched him, perplexed. They'd been in the joke shop together tens of times, but something was different today. Something was missing. There was none of the Marauder's usual laughter, plotting, or simple delight of being off Hogwarts grounds. And there was certainly none of the whispered flirtations he'd become accustomed to in the last several weeks. Maybe it was the absence of James and Peter, or maybe, he thought, a knot forming in his stomach, Sirius was jealous of Peter's date with Marlene.

"Want to go to Honeydukes?" he asked tentatively when Sirius had finished paying.

"Yeah, I guess," Sirius muttered, kicking at the ground. They meandered down the street, passing laughing, chattering Hogwarts students along the way. Sirius kept his hands in his pockets, his face set in an unpleasant grimace.

"Sirius, is something wrong?" Remus asked finally, stopping outside of Honeydukes with a tentative hand on his friend's arm.

"No," Sirius muttered.

"Oh, come on. I've been friends with you for years, I know when you're in a mood."

Sirius turned to him, frustrated. "This is just so bloody weird," he muttered. Remus's stomach sank.

"Maybe it was a bad idea then," he said carefully. "Too soon, or…"

"No! I want to be here with you," Sirius whispered forcefully. "I just don't know how. If I were here with a girl I'd, you know, I'd hold her hand or I'd take her to fucking Madame Puddifoot's Tea Shop. I can't take a _bloke_ to Puddifoot's."

Remus gave a little snort of laughter, and Sirius looked perturbed. "Sorry," Remus said quickly. "It's just...and here I thought you were jealous of Peter and Marlene." He grabbed Sirius's arm and pulled him into the alley beside Honeydukes. "Sirius, I don't even _want_ to go to Madame Puddifoot's."

"Well good, I hate that place," Sirius grimaced. He reached for Remus's hand and grabbed it, interlacing their fingers. Remus glanced around nervously, but nobody was watching.

"See, look how nervous you are," Sirius said. "I _am_ jealous of Peter and Marlene. They're marching around out there holding hands where everyone can see, and they haven't so much as snogged yet."

"Usually hand holding comes first," Remus pointed out, and Sirius very nearly cracked a smile.

"Boring." He frowned at Remus. "Look, it's like, I know how to be when we're with James and Peter. And I know _exactly_ what I like to do with you when we're alone. But a date? I don't know what to do with my hands, or how to look at you. I don't even know what to talk about. I already know everything about you."

"I don't know either," Remus said helplessly. "Come on. Let's take a walk."

Sirius followed him down the path to the Shrieking Shack, kicking up clumps of crunchy leaves as they went. A group of third years passed them going the other direction, looking terrified.

"Have you been to the Shrieking Shack?" a short brown-haired boy asked Sirius and Remus. "I heard it's full of ghosts. I swear I heard the shrieking!"

"Definitely not ghosts," Sirius said, lowering his voice. "I hear it's a vampire. Maybe even more than one."

The third years gasped and all but ran down the path toward the village. Remus snorted.

"God, they're so small and stupid," Sirius said, sounding a bit cheerier. "As if a vampire would make the same sounds as a werew—"

Remus jabbed him in the side. "Shut up, you idiot," he muttered, and Sirius laughed.

They reached the end of the path and stood alone together at the fence outside the Shrieking Shack. "It's always weird from this side," Remus said. "We've spent so much time together here and I don't remember any of it."

Sirius gave his hand a quick squeeze. "Come on," he said, reaching up to grab the top of the fence. He hoisted himself over in one deft, athletic move. Remus glanced around carefully before following him. Nobody was in sight. In the distance, he could hear bells ringing and the sounds of students laughing in the village. Few students came to the Shrieking Shack except for the bravest third and fourth years, and nobody dared to climb the fence.

Remus and Sirius walked around to the back of the Shack and sat in the grass, leaning against the crumbling wall with their legs outstretched. "It's bloody cold," Sirius said with a slight shiver, and without even thinking, Remus draped an arm around him. It was so easy to be together when they were alone. He wondered if Sirius really did want to snog him in the street, if he really wanted everyone to know that they were together. _Are we together?_ he wondered. It hadn't felt like it back in the village, but it did right now.

Sirius leaned against Remus's chest and lit up a Muggle cigarette. He took a long, slow drag and offered it to Remus. "No thanks," Remus said, shaking his head. "Those kill Muggles, you know."

"You sound like Mrs. Potter," Sirius said. "Come on, share it with me. It'll be terribly romantic, almost like a pot of tea at Puddifoot's."

"Is this what you do with all your dates?" Remus asked, taking the cigarette and inhaling.

"Yeah, girls love it, makes them feel dangerous." Sirius rested his hand on Remus's thigh. "I've never taken a girl to the Shrieking Shack though."

They sat in comfortable silence, smoking and looking out at the trees, but Sirius's words from earlier rang in Remus's head. "You won't be happy with this for long, will you?" he said finally. "With this...this secret. You want to be with someone you can snog in the street."

"And that can't be you?" Sirius asked.

Remus paused, startled. "How could it be me?"

"Simple. I'd take you by the hand right now and we'd walk over to the village and I'd snog you senseless right there in front of everyone."

Panic rose up in Remus's chest at the thought. "But people would see. And what if they don't understand? What if James and Peter don't understand?"

Sirius tipped his head back and looked up at Remus, incredulous. "Remus, they know you're a werewolf, and they don't care. You think they'd care if you—"

"If I were dating a bloke?" Remus finished glumly.

"You _are_ dating a bloke," Sirius corrected. "This might be a bad date, but it's a date all the same." Remus grinned in spite of himself, and kissed the top of Sirius's head. "Look, the only people who will really be upset are my parents, and they wrote me off a long time ago," Sirius continued. "And it's only a matter of time before Peter and James find out. I can't keep hiding the Marauder's Map every time we go off together."

"I'm afraid," Remus said quietly. "I don't have anything outside of Hogwarts, Sirius. I don't want to mess anything up."

Sirius frowned. "I hate being another one of your secrets."

"Well, I don't particularly relish being another way for you to rebel against your family," Remus countered. Sirius tensed against him, and Remus waited for a defensive retort that never came. Instead, Sirius sat up and turned to face him, kneeling in the grass. He took Remus's face in his hands and gave him a long, slow kiss that tasted like cigarette smoke and the outdoors.

"Let's keep it between us," Remus said pleadingly when they broke apart. "Just for now. Maybe we'll tell them later."

"All right. For now," Sirius agreed. He stood and pulled Remus to his feet. "Sorry I ruined our date."

"It's actually been quite nice," Remus said, kissing him again. "Even the cigarette. Want to cap it off with a drink at the Three Broomsticks?"

"As long as it's a firewhiskey." They walked hand in hand back down the path toward Hogsmeade. "Relax," Sirius told him. "If anyone comes, we'll hear them first and you can pretend you don't even know me."

"Very funny," Remus said, squeezing his hand. He tried to listen carefully for footsteps, but Sirius soon launched into a dramatic story about Quidditch, and neither boy heard the sound of crunching leaves until it was too late. They were bent over in peals of laughter at Sirius's description of James crashing his broom when they heard a throat clearing loudly. They looked up to find Lily Evans standing alone on the path, staring openly at their clasped hands. Remus froze, and Sirius quickly let go of his hand.

"Evans," he said loudly, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Where's your partner in crime?"

"Breaking up a fight between a few third years. I was actually coming to find you." She blushed, looking awkwardly between the two of them. "We're, uh, we're all going to the Three Broomsticks for that round of drinks, if you'd like to come. Since you're paying and all."

"Great, that's where we're going, too," Sirius said quickly. Remus felt utterly unable to move or speak.

"All right, then," she said. "See you there." She waved and headed back down the path.

"She's going to tell James," Remus whispered in horror, staring after her. "She's going to _tell_."

"She's not going to tell," Sirius whispered back. "She's probably not even sure what she saw. And so what, it's not like we were snogging in the street or anything." But he didn't sound very convinced.

They had nearly lost site of Lily when suddenly, she turned around and jogged back to them. She took a deep breath. "Look, I just want you to know that I, er, won't tell," she said very quickly. "In case you're worried, I—"

"Won't tell what?" Sirius said airily.

"Nothing," she said, chewing on her lip. "Nevermind. I'll see you at the Three Broomsticks." She turned to leave again, but Remus suddenly reached out and touched her arm. She looked at him uncertainly.

"Evans," he said hoarsely. "Thanks."

She opened her mouth to respond, but suddenly, from the village, came the sound of loud, frightened screaming and the pounding of feet running on cobblestone streets. "What is that?" Lily gasped.

"Nothing good," Sirius said, and the three of them took off down the path. Remus saw it before they even reached the main road. Hanging heavily in the sky above the apothecary was the smoky shape of a skull and a giant green serpent. He'd heard whispers about this image before, but he'd never seen it in public and never imagined it could be like this.

"Is that…" Lily breathed.

"Yes," said Sirius, and Remus shuddered at the fear in his voice. "The Dark Mark."


	11. Chapter 11

It was late afternoon by the time the students returned to Hogwarts. Sirius and Remus had helped James and Lily and the prefects round up the younger students in Hogsmeade as soon as the Dark Mark had appeared in the sky. "Make sure the Muggleborns are all accounted for," James had whispered, glancing up at the enormous serpent. The students, sensing the danger at hand, had been surprisingly compliant, trampling quietly and nervously back to Hogwarts behind the Head Boy and Girl.

Back in the safety of the Great Hall, however, the students struggled to settle down at their house tables. The air was full of nervous energy, and students wandered from table to table, looking for their friends and shouting accounts of what they saw or didn't see back at the village.

"What happened at the apothecary?"

"I heard someone died—"

"I heard it was the vampires from the Shrieking Shack!"

"Idiots," Sirius said, sitting down between Remus and Peter. "It was the Dark Mark! We all saw it. I hope Dumbledore tells us what really happened."

Remus elbowed Sirius in the side. "Look who's coming," he muttered under his breath. Snape was approaching the Gryffindor table. He was headed right for the end where Lily was seated beside Marlene, their heads bent together in conversation. Remus glanced around; James was nowhere in sight.

"Should we stop him from bothering her?" Sirius asked almost eagerly, his hand on his wand. Peter looked nervous.

"No, I don't think so," Remus said, watching Snape. His usual angry expression had softened into something that looked more like worry and fear. "They were friends before all this. I think he wants to make sure she's okay."

"Well he should," Sirius scowled. "It's probably his friends that set off the Dark Mark."

Just as Snape near the table, however, James jogged up quickly from the other direction. He put a hand on Lily's shoulder. "Is this seat taken?" he asked. She shook her head, smiling up at him. James sat, draping his arm around her shoulders. Marlene gave a little giggle.

"All right, Lily?" he asked, and she nodded, resting her head on his shoulder. Remus looked quickly up at Snape, who was standing only a few feet from the table. His concerned expression turned to one of fury, and he stalked back to the Slytherin table.

"Did you see that?" Sirius whispered. "James had better watch his back."

Remus nodded, watching Lily smile up at his friend. "Looks like their date must have gone well today though." He was happy for James, but he wondered what it would be like to show affection so openly with Sirius. Sirius flashed him a knowing smile and squeezed his leg under the table.

Up at the Head Table, Dumbledore rose from his seat, his face tired and grim. "Thank you for gathering here tonight," he said, his voice amplified throughout the Great Hall. "Thank you to our prefects and to our Head Girl and Boy for their quick thinking and care for their fellow students." There was a smattering of applause, and Lily lifted her head from James' shoulder, looking rather embarrassed.

Dumbledore cleared his throat again. "It is true that the Dark Mark was cast over Hogsmeade today. Many of you are already aware that this is the symbol of the Death Eaters, the followers of the individual calling himself Lord Voldemort." Nervous whispering broke out among the House tables, and several students flinched. Remus saw Sirius look over at the Slytherins. His brother Regulus's face was expressionless. Snape, Remus noticed, was staring at Lily and James as though he had not heard the Headmaster speak at all, his dark eyes full of anger and hurt.

Dumbledore rose a hand to silence the crowd and continued speaking. "It is also true that there were casualties tonight." The students fell silent. "Agnes and Gerald Smelter, Hogsmeade residents and owners of the Hogsmeade Apothecary, were both killed tonight in an attack on their home." He bowed his head. "As many of you know, the Smelters were parents to Hogwarts student Tenley Smelter of Hufflepuff."

Several students gasped and broke out in whispers. Remus looked over at the Hufflepuff table. Tenley was absent, and many of her housemates had tear-streaked faces. He shivered, cold fear spreading throughout his body. Hogsmeade was one of the first wizarding communities most Muggleborns experienced, and for the Smelters to be killed there, in their own shop _because_ they were Muggleborn was beyond disturbing. Across the table, Lily let out a choked sob, and James pulled her closer, whispering something in her ear. Sirius reached under the table and took Remus's hand.

"I hope you will all join me in offering your support and condolences to Tenley and to Hufflepuff house," Dumbledore continued somberly. "And while today's attack should not be taken lightly, I can assure you that Hogwarts students remain safe within these walls."

Dumbledore looked out at the House tables, his gaze lingering last and longest over Slytherin. "I fear that there will be much more darkness ahead," he said finally. "If you find yourselves tempted by the empty promises of this man and his followers, know that it is never too late to choose light."

* * *

That night, the Gryffindor common room buzzed with hushed, fearful conversation. For the first time, the war felt real. Hogsmeade would never feel the same again. Tenley Smelter's _life_ would never be the same again.

"I want to fight," James said fiercely to the other Marauders, running a frustrated hand through his hair. "I've heard there's a secret society fighting the Death Eaters and I want in." He glanced over at Lily, who was comforting a distraught fourth year girl on the other side of the common room. "Muggleborns shouldn't have to be afraid."

"What could you do?" Peter asked, looking frightened.

"I don't know," James said. "But I'm going to find out. I bet Dumbledore's involved."

"I bet they need people to infiltrate the Death Eaters, find out what they're up to," Sirius said, stretching out on the carpet with his feet on the hearth. "Shame my family disowned me. They'd never believe it if I went back and started snooping around now."

"What about you, Remus?" James asked, looking at him.

Remus looked quickly away from Sirius. "I don't know." He lowered his voice. "I don't know what somebody like me could do. Who would trust me? With my...problem?"

"Dumbledore would," James said. "We would. We do."

"People _should_ trust you," Sirius said, suddenly angry. "I'm sorry, Moony, but whatever the Death Eaters are planning, I doubt it's going to be good for anyone who's not—"

"Not human." Remus finished.

They all fell silent, staring into the fire. The chatter died down around them as exhausted students trickled off to bed. Marlene and Lily joined them briefly on their way up to the girls' dormitory. Lily perched on the arm of James' chair, and Marlene gave Peter a quick kiss on the cheek. "I had a nice time today," she told him, though she shot a rather reproachful look at Sirius.

"Goodnight, boys," Lily said, putting her hand on James' shoulder. "Thanks for the date, James." They looked hesitantly at one another.

"Just snog already, would you?" Sirius called exasperatedly from his spot on the floor. James turned a bright shade of Gryffindor red and glared at him.

Lily turned rather pink, but much to their surprise, she bent down and gave James a kiss on the lips. His eyes opened wide in shock, and he took her hands and pulled her down onto his lap, kissing her back enthusiastically. The other three Marauders looked at one another and grinned.

* * *

"It doesn't feel right to be so happy when everything else is so horrible," James said later, when they were all laying in bed.

"I think it's good," Remus said quietly. "You have to have something worth fighting for."

"Yeah," James agreed. "That's true."

"That's all well and good," Sirius said loudly, "but can we talk about how bloody long it took this kiss to happen? Six, nearly seven years, it's pathetic, really—" There was a crashing sound as James threw his pillow at Sirius and hit his bedside lamp instead. "Terrible aim," Sirius said. "Now, what would the Head Girl say if she knew you were throwing pillows at your roommates?"

"She'd say you deserve it, you git," James retorted.

"Shut up, both of you," Remus chided, but he smiled into the darkness. There _was_ a lot to fight for, he thought sleepily. Tenley Smelter and the Dark Mark loomed heavily in this thoughts, but as he drifted off to sleep, he was thinking primarily of how it had felt to sit with his arm slung around Sirius, sharing a cigarette in the autumn leaves behind the Shrieking Shack.


	12. Chapter 12

Things returned to normal surprisingly quickly after the attack on Hogsmeade. It didn't hurt, of course, that they still had to attend class and do homework. The full moon came once a month as it always did, and there was still Quidditch and detention and meals in the Great Hall, and while the war was still on their minds, the Marauders soon fell back into their usual routines.

Lily and James were officially together now, which surprised nobody except perhaps Severus Snape, whose angry scowl now seemed permanently affixed to his face. To Remus's relief, Lily had not told James that she had seen Remus and Sirius holding hands in Hogsmeade. And as the autumn weeks turned colder and December approached, the pair relaxed back into the same covert routine they'd been following since the beginning of the year.

Which was why late one Friday evening, Remus and Sirius found themselves tangled together in a rather small broom cupboard on the fourth floor. They were trying so hard not to laugh that they could hardly snog, their arms and legs barely contained by the cupboard door.

"I thought you said this was a good spot," Remus gasped, elbowing Sirius in the stomach.

"Ow, watch it!" Sirius winced, jabbing him back. "I haven't been in here since our fourth year. I guess I'm bigger now. And you're certainly taller than Mindy Mitras was at fourteen."

"Mindy, really?" Remus grumbled. "Is there anyone you haven't—"

Sirius interrupted him with a kiss. "Shut up, Moony," he muttered, sliding his hands up under Remus's shirt. Remus moaned with anticipation. They hadn't had a moment alone in days, and God, did he ever want this. He reached for the buttons of Sirius's shirt, undoing them quickly.

Sirius groaned with desire when Remus's fingers brushed against his skin. "Fuck, Remus, I want you so bad," he whispered, grabbing Remus's face in his hands and pulling him for another kiss.

"Wait," Remus whispered suddenly, putting his finger on Sirius's lips. There were footsteps in the hall. "Someone's coming!" Sirius's eyes widened.

"Let's just check the cupboards over here, and then we can go upstairs." Remus took a deep, shaky breath. It was Lily, and that meant—

"Good, can't wait till we're done with rounds. I'm exhausted." James called back.

Sirius and Remus looked at each other in horror. There wasn't time to do anything. The footsteps came closer and closer. Remus tried to think of a lie, any lie, but nothing would work. There was no good reason why he and Sirius would be half-clothed in a tiny cupboard so far from Gryffindor tower.

"I'll get this one," Lily said loudly outside the cupboard door. And then, the door was open. Her eyes opened wide in shock at the sight of them blinking up at her in the sudden light. Sirius was nearly shirtless with Remus's hand still on his chest, their hair messy and faces flushed. Remus gave her a pleading look, and she stifled a laugh.

"Nothing to see here," she said loudly to James, her eyes dancing. "Empty." She slammed the cupboard door and Remus winced.

"Nobody but first years would fit in that cupboard," James said. "I think Sirius used to take girls there when we were younger."

"Really," Lily said drily, and their footsteps disappeared down the hallway. Remus exhaled heavily.

"He used to take girls here too," Sirius said with a scowl, buttoning up his shirt. "Let's get out of here."

* * *

"Too close," Remus said when they finally reached their dormitory. He flopped down on Sirius's bed.

"Yeah, well, we wouldn't have to sneak around like that if we could tell James and Peter," Sirius said, stretching out beside him. He slid his hand up Remus's shirt again and Remus tensed. "Relax. Peter is with Marlene, and James must have at least another hour of rounds." He grabbed the back of Remus's head and pulled him in for a rather aggressive kiss.

"Are we picking up where we left off then?" Remus asked when they finally broke apart. Sirius grinned wickedly and unzipped Remus's pants, slipping his hand inside. Remus groaned with wanting. "Wait," he gasped as Sirius climbed on top of him. "Close the curtains."

Sirius rolled his eyes and got up to close the bed curtains. "Now where was I?" he muttered, before diving on top of Remus and making him shriek.

* * *

Afterward, they lay in a naked tangle on the bed, their heads resting on Sirius's pillow. "This is nice," Remus whispered. "Better than a cupboard."

Sirius's lips grazed his neck, making him shiver. "We could do this more often if we weren't afraid of getting caught."

"I know," Remus said. He tried to figure out how long they'd been lying there. Twenty minutes? A half hour? "It's just...I'm afraid."

"We don't have to tell everyone. Just James and Peter. Then we can relax in our own fucking dormitory."

Sirius made it sound so easy. And maybe he was right. "Stop being so nervous," Sirius told him. "We have at least twenty minutes left. Plenty of time." He rolled Remus on top of him, sliding his hands over his back. "Have I ever told you you have the nicest ass at Hogwarts, Moony?"

Remus laughed and let Sirius kiss him. Later, he would wonder how he didn't hear footsteps on the stairs, or the door opening, or worst of all, James and Peter entering the room. "All right," he said moments later, breaking their kiss. "We'll tell James and Peter. After the holidays."

"Tell us what? If you're plotting something in there, we've caught you!"

Remus met Sirius's eyes in horror, but for the second time that night, it was too late to do anything at all. And this time was much, much worse. James threw open the curtains to reveal Remus's long, naked body stretched out next to Sirius, their legs intertwined and their their lips inches apart. Sirius's sheets and blankets were piled up with their clothes at the end of the bed.

Remus opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. They all looked at one another in shock. Peter sat down heavily on James' bed, his mouth wide open, and James took a step back toward the door.

"What the _hell_ is going on here?"


	13. Chapter 13

"Give us some fucking privacy," Sirius snapped, yanking the curtains shut in James' face. Remus felt as though his heart were about to beat out of his chest.

"It's okay, it's okay," Sirius whispered to Remus, but his hands were shaking. They dressed quickly and awkwardly in the darkness. "Where are my fucking pants?" Sirius muttered.

"They're out here on the floor," James said grimly. Sirius grimaced at Remus, who would have laughed if the situation wasn't so utterly horrifying. When they opened the curtain, James was sitting on his bed, running his hands through his hair. Peter looked down at the floor, his ears bright red. Nobody said anything while Sirius scrambled to pull on his pants.

"I don't even know what to say," James said finally, once Sirius had sat down next to Remus, the pair of them facing James and Peter. "Are you—was that—what it looked like?"

"I don't know, _James_. What did it look like?" Sirius said snidely. He seemed significantly more confident now that he was fully clothed.

James ignored him. "What do you think it looks like, the two of you _naked_ in bed together?" He paused and swallowed hard. "Are you two—are you _fucking_?" Peter made an unintelligible choking sound, and Remus felt as though he might throw up.

"Christ, James," Sirius muttered, reaching for Remus's hand.

"Wait." James paused, staring at them. "Are you _dating_?"

"Er—" Remus stammered. He couldn't speak; he still felt as though he might vomit, and he was also torn between a desire to tell _everyone_ his feelings for Sirius and an equal, perhaps even greater desire to keep their relationship intimate and private and _safe_.

Sirius harbored no such misgivings. "Yes," he said decisively, and Remus surprised himself by smiling. James' eyes widened.

"Dating?" Peter snorted. "But you're both blokes."

"Well spotted, Wormtail," Remus said icily, his grin fading.

"Yeah, real observant." Sirius rolled his eyes, and for a moment, Remus thought he saw the hint of a smile on James' face.

"I don't care that you're both blokes," he said after a pause, and Sirius exhaled heavily. Remus gave his hand a squeeze. "But this is _weird_." James ran his hands through his hair again, though it was already standing on end. "Sirius, we _lived together_ this summer! I didn't think we had any secrets. I didn't even know you were gay, for God's sake."

"Gay?" Peter said, as if suddenly realizing what was going on. "But Sirius dates girls. They both do."

Sirius shrugged. "Not always, apparently."

Remus looked at Sirius and smiled. "Not always, and not lately."

"Shit," James said, watching them. "This is a real thing, isn't it?" Remus nodded, squeezing Sirius's hand. "But for how long?"

"Since the camping trip," Remus admitted.

"The camping trip?!" James' mouth fell open. "But when—" His eyes widened, and Sirius smirked. "Here I've been boasting about how well things went with Lily that weekend, and God knows what you two were getting up to at night." He shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe you didn't tell me. I can't believe I didn't see it!"

"Sirius wanted to tell you ages ago," Remus said with a shrug. "I had only just agreed when you so rudely interrupted us."

James made a face. "Sorry. Wouldn't have dreamed of it if I had known what I was about to see." Sirius picked up Remus's shoe and tossed it James' head. He dodged it, a small smile on lips.

"There's another thing," Remus said, looking from James to Peter. "We're not telling anyone but you two. You can't tell _anyone_. Okay, Peter?"

"Yeah," Peter said, blushing deeply and avoiding their eyes. "It's weird, but I won't tell."

"It _is_ weird," James agreed, but he was still smiling. "Just don't do anything to fuck up the Marauders, okay?" Remus nodded in agreement. "I could hardly stand it when you two were fighting last year. And if anyone does find out and gives you a hard time, they'll answer to me," he added fiercely.

"Our hero," Sirius said sarcastically, but he got up and enveloped James in an enormous, grateful hug, his ears red. "Prongs—thanks. Really."

"All right, all right," James said, blushing. "I know you'd do the same for me."

"Peter, do you want to get in on this?" Sirius said, spreading his arms in Peter's direction. "It's okay, it's not contagious."

"I'm fine," Peter said, looking away. "Just need to get used to the idea."

"And you, Moony?" Sirius said, looking at him. "How do you feel?"

Remus smiled up at his boyfriend. "Relieved."

* * *

"By the way, James," Sirius said later, as the four Marauders climbed into their beds. "There's one more thing."

"God, no," James said in mock despair. "I can't take anything else in one day."

"Get ready, it's good." Sirius said. "Evans knows."

James sat up straight in bed. "Are you kidding me? You told her and not me?"

"We didn't exactly tell her," said Remus. "She, er, caught us. Twice."

"So you're saying my girlfriend saw _you_ naked before she's seen me?" Remus snorted, and even Peter laughed out loud.

"No, no, nothing like that," Sirius said cheerfully. " _She_ didn't have to see Moony's bony ass. We saved that for you."

" _Excuse_ me," Remus said huffily.

"It's okay, Moony. You know I like your ass. It's—"

"Okay, that's enough!" James said. "I can't believe she didn't tell me!"

"She promised she wouldn't," Remus explained. "We didn't even have to ask her."

"She's all right, Evans," Sirius said. "I mean, not my type or anything, but James—I reckon she was worth the wait."

Remus could almost hear James smiling in the darkness.


	14. Chapter 14

The Marauders were more tentative than usual with one another the next morning. Despite how well the conversation the previous night had gone, in the light of day it was unclear how much James and Peter were really prepared for the fact that their best friends were now a couple. When Sirius kissed Remus goodbye before he and James left for morning Quidditch practice, Peter gaped openly at them, and James looked away, his ears reddening.

"For fucks sake, you two," Sirius grumbled. "It's not like we're not going to start shagging right here and now." Remus shrugged at him, not sure if he wanted to say _They'll get used to it_ or _You're the one who wanted this._

In some ways, things were better. Much better. They could now disappear to the Room of Requirement without hiding the Marauders Map or needing to answer questions later. They could hold hands and share knowing looks and exchange casual, flirtatious touches without worrying about being caught. Once, they took a long afternoon nap together on Remus's bed, and Remus was able to relax enough to actually fall asleep with Sirius's arms around him.

But still, as much as James and Peter insisted that everything was fine and nothing had changed, there was a new tension in the air that seemed to build with every passing day. Remus wasn't sure if it was discomfort with the physical aspects of their relationship ("Which is none of their business!" Sirius said hotly) or something else that might be more difficult to solve.

* * *

"I've signed up to stay here over Christmas," Sirius announced one day when the four of them were sitting together at breakfast. James looked up at him rather suddenly, his fork clattering to the table.

"You are?" Remus said, surprised and pleased. He usually stayed at Hogwarts over the holidays; it was far preferable to going home to face his family's nearly palpable fear and guilt over his "condition." At Hogwarts, he was usually alone in the seventh-year dormitory, which he didn't necessarily mind. Peter always went home to the Pettigrews, and Sirius had spent the holidays with the Potters every year since their fourth year, when he'd first begun to openly rebel against his family.

Sirius stared at him, grinning. "Are you an idiot? Of course I'm staying with you." There was a sudden scraping of chairs and James rose from the table, his face red.

"I'm going to the library," he said, picking up his bag and leaving rather suddenly.

Sirius watched him leave, his eyes narrowed. " _What_ is his problem?" Remus didn't say anything, but as he watched James walk away, he suddenly thought he understood.

* * *

"I don't know what's going on with James," Sirius finally said to Remus one Saturday morning a few weeks later. They were laying together on Sirius's bed, Remus flipping through the pages of his Transfiguration textbook. Sirius stared up at the ceiling, a scowl on his face. "I mean, he was absolutely fine at first. I thought things went really well when we told them, and now—"

"Maybe they went too well," Remus said carefully. He rubbed the back of his neck and stifled a yawn. The full moon was the next day, and he was feeling particularly tired and sore. "James wants to be supportive, I think. But a lot of things have changed because of this, you know."

Sirius scowled. " _We_ haven't changed anything. _He's_ the one who became Head Boy. _He's_ the one who started spending all his time with Evans. _He's_ the one who's making this awkward."

"Well then maybe you should talk to _him_ about it," Remus said, but Sirius just moaned and rolled over, burying his face in the pillow. Remus rested a hand on his back and flipped forward a few chapters in his book. "Do you remember what McGonagall said we needed to know about Metamorphagi?"

"Of course not," Sirius snapped. Remus sighed. When they were just friends, he'd been able to ignore Sirius's moods, avoiding him until James cheered him up or his sense of rationality returned. He wasn't exactly sure how to respond now that Sirius was his boyfriend. He decided to continue to ignore it, at least for now.

The door opened, and James entered. Remus flinched, trying to ignore the urge to push Sirius off the bed and hide. _It's okay_ , he reminded himself. _This is why we told them._

"Oh—sorry," James said, turning red at the sight of them. "I'm just—I just came by to get my coat."

"We're just studying," said Remus awkwardly. He held up his Transfiguration book and glanced down at Sirius, who was still facedown on the mattress. "Well, _I'm_ studying." He rolled his eyes at James, and got only a sliver of a smile in return.

Sirius rolled over, watching James through narrowed eyes. "Where are you going?"

James hesitated. "I—a few of us are going to go down to the Quidditch pitch and try out Jerkins' new broom."

Sirius sat up, his face flushed. "Oh. And you didn't think I might want to come?"

James turned rather red. "It just came up over breakfast," he said. "And I didn't know if you'd want to go. You're clearly busy."

"Yeah, really busy sitting here while Remus studies." said Sirius snidely, a glint in his eye. Remus gave him a warning look, but it was too late. "Tell me, what exactly is your problem, Prongs?"

"My problem?" James said, staring at him. "I don't have a problem. I just didn't think you'd want to come out today."

"Why wouldn't I? And what about yesterday when you went down to the pitch with the Ravenclaws? Or this morning when you went to breakfast without us? I don't spend _all_ my time shagging Remus, you know."

"I didn't want to take up your time—"

"Bull _shit._ Is it that you think I don't want to play Quidditch, now that I'm _gay_ —"

"Sirius," Remus whispered, putting a hand on his shoulder.

James' face turned red. "I didn't say that!" he said hurriedly. "I don't care that you're—that you're with Remus now. I told you that."

"So what is it, then? What's changed?"

James balled up his coat and threw it onto the bed. "Fine! I just don't know how to _be_ with you now, okay? And I don't think you know either! Are you Sirius, my best friend, or Sirius, Remus's boyfriend?"

"I'm trying to be both! _You're_ the one who spends all your time on Head Boy rounds or sitting around with Evans. _You're_ one who changed things, not me."

"What about Christmas? You didn't even tell me that you're staying with Remus. You didn't even think I might care, or how I have to write and tell my mum you're not coming—"

"I—that's—" Sirius scowled at him. "Moony, _where_ do you think you're going?" Remus had stood up, putting on his shoes. Sirius glared at him.

"I'm going to go find Peter," he said. "You guys need to work whatever this is out on your own." He bent down and gave Sirius a kiss on the cheek. "See you later."

Remus wandered down the shifting stairwells alone. He didn't have a clue where Peter was, but taking a solitary stroll through the castle was better than watching Sirius and James have a row. They'd fought before and always made up, but this felt different. It wasn't just about Sirius dating Remus, he thought glumly. This was their seventh and final year at Hogwarts. Things couldn't stay the same forever, and Sirius and James both hated change.

When Remus reached the main floor, he was surprised to see Peter standing alone with Corban Yaxley, a tall, smooth-talking Slytherin seventh year. In all their years together at Hogwarts, he had never seen Peter talking with the other boy. But today, Yaxley was talking animatedly at Peter, a hand on his shoulder, a thin smile on his lips. Remus walked more slowly, listening.

"Listen, you should be more careful with who you spend time with in the future, is all I'm saying," McNair said. "Purebloods who keep the right company will be rewarded in the future. And the rest, well..." He glanced up and spotted Remus.

"Lupin," he said with a sneer. Peter whirled around. "Hi, Remus," he said, his cheeks pink.

"Yaxley," Remus returned, trying to keep his voice light. "Peter, I was looking for you. I'm going to go to the, er, library. Want to come?" Yaxley watched him with thinly veiled disgust in his eyes.

"Yeah, all right," Peter said, biting his lip. "See you," he told Yaxley.

"Later. And remember what I told you, Pettigrew," Yaxley said. Peter nodded, a frightened expression on his face.

"What was that about?" Remus hissed once they were around the corner.

Peter hesitated. "Nothing."

"Didn't sound like nothing to me. Sounded like Slytherin bullshit."

"He's not all bad," Peter said quickly. "He, er, offered to help me with Potions."

"Really." Remus's chest felt tight, and he looked carefully at Peter. "Who did he tell you to stop spending time with? Was it the usual 'blood traitors and Mudbloods' bit?" Remus suddenly felt sick. "Or did he know that I'm—"

The words caught in his throat. _Queer. A werewolf_. The Death Eaters wouldn't accept either, and he'd been waiting for the latter to get out ever since Snape found out last year.

"No!" Peter said, horrified. "He just said that I shouldn't hang out with the wrong sort of people. That there's a better sort out there who can give me more than you lot can." He flushed, embarrassed. "I didn't tell him about—about you. I would never tell."

"All right. I believe you."

"I'm sorry," Peter said, shaking his head. "I should have told him off. Don't tell Sirius, okay? I know I've been a prat lately. It's just—I'm not brave like you and Sirius and James."

"It's fine," said Remus, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. "But tell me if Yaxley bothers you again, will you?" Remus paused, leaning against the wall. "God, I'm exhausted."

Peter nodded. "Full moon tomorrow," he said in understanding, reaching to take Remus's book bag from him.

Remus sighed and let him take it. "It's worse than usual this month," he said. "All the stress, I guess."

Peter flushed. "Sorry. I know some of that is my fault." Remus shrugged. "Do you want to go back to the dormitory?"

Remus grimaced. "No. Sirius and James are in there having a row."

"Oh." Peter didn't seem surprised, Remus thought, as they entered the library. He wondered what Peter and James had talked about lately, when he and Sirius weren't around. Maybe James was right, he thought glumly. Maybe this would be the end of the Marauders.

* * *

He didn't see Sirius again until later that evening, when he was stretched out in front of the common room fire, nodding off in front of his book.

"Hey," Sirius said, dropping his backpack on the ground.

"Hi." Remus smiled up at him and picked up his legs so Sirius could sit down on the other side of the couch. Sirius caught his feet and pulled them into his lap. Remus didn't protest; he was too exhausted to look around to see who might be watching. "What happened with James?"

Sirius leaned back on the sofa, staring at the ceiling. "I dunno. We had it out." He sighed. "He's still my best friend—sorry—but I guess some things have changed. I didn't really consider that he might feel left out."

"Don't apologize," Remus said. "He can still be your best friend, even if I'm your boyfriend."

"Yeah," said Sirius, rubbing Remus's ankles. "I guess that's the thing we've all got to figure out. God, I could use a cigarette. I've never had to talk about feelings this much in my entire life." He looked at Remus. "Tired?"

"Just the usual," Remus said, waving his hand dismissively. "Maybe a little worse this month." He and Sirius looked at each other. This would be the first full moon since they had told their friends.

"James will come," Sirius said. "Prongs will be there tomorrow night."

Remus nodded. "Peter will be there, too." He briefly considered telling Sirius about Peter and Yaxley, but decided against it. He wasn't about to break Peter's trust. Peter had always kept Remus's secrets. "They'll both be there. I'm sure of it."

As if on cue, the portrait hole open and James and Peter entered. Remus waved and they walked over to the couch. "Hey," he said, smiling nervously at Sirius and Remus.

"Hey," said Sirius. "Want to sit?" He pushed Remus's feet onto the floor and made room for James between them. Peter sat on the floor by Remus's feet, leaning back on his arms. They looked nervously at one another.

"Full moon tomorrow," said James tentatively, looking at Remus. "I was thinking we could sneak out early, maybe go to the Three Broomsticks. If Moony's feeling up to it, that is."

There was a brief silence, but then Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I'm in." He looked at Remus with interest. "If Moony gets drunk before he transforms, does that mean the wolf will be drunk?" James gave a short, surprised snort of laughter.

"Won't we be drunk too? As Animagi?" Peter asked.

"That doesn't seem entirely safe," Remus pointed out, shaking his head.

"Let's try it," said James, grinning at Remus. "What's a bit of impaired judgment, when you're running about with a werewolf?" They all laughed, the tension suddenly broken. James looked over at Sirius. "I'm sorry," he said. "I've been a prat."

"Me too," said Sirius quickly.

"And me," said Peter from the floor. He met Remus's eyes, and Remus knew he was thinking about Yaxley.

"All right. I'm glad that's over," James said, breathing a sigh of relief. "Sirius, you've _got_ to hear what happened to Jerkins at Ravenclaw's Quidditch practice last week." He launched into a story that soon had Sirius and Peter rolling with laughter. Remus closed his eyes. The full moon might be approaching, but there was one thing he could absolutely be sure of, he thought to himself. He was foolish not to realize it earlier. No matter who they dated, or where they spent the holidays, or whatever else in their lives might change, the Marauders would always find a way to stay together.


	15. Chapter 15

Aside from a few minor skirmishes, the Marauders stayed on good terms until the Christmas holidays began. They were all ready for a break from school, and Sirius and Remus could barely hide their anticipation for an entire week alone together. Even James had to laugh at their obvious excitement, though he was quite distracted by the fact that Lily Evans would be visiting the Potters at the end of their holiday break.

On the morning that Peter and James left for home, Remus managed to pull James aside for a moment.

"Can I tell you something?" he whispered quickly. They were standing in the common room among a crowd of Gryffindors anxious to go home for the holidays. Sirius, a bit hungover from the smuggled-in firewhiskey the Marauders had enjoyed in the dormitory the night before, had already gone back upstairs to their room, and Peter had gone down to the kitchens to nick some food for the journey home. "It's, ah, it's a secret."

"You're full of those, aren't you Moony?" James said lightly, buttoning his coat.

"Not by choice," said Remus grimly. "Listen, it's about Wormtail." He quickly told James about the conversation he had overheard between Peter and Yaxley a few weeks before. "He's embarrassed, so I promised I wouldn't tell Sirius, but I couldn't keep it to myself." He paused, thinking. "It seemed off. Like Yaxley's trying to manipulate Peter somehow." Remus felt a bit melodramatic voicing his concerns, but James nodded seriously. "You know what Dumbledore says about Death Eaters and empty promises. Not that Yaxley's a Death Eater."

"He might be," James said darkly. "And the Slytherins do it too, telling lies to anyone who's insecure enough to believe them. Like Malfoy and Snape." He shook his head. "Maybe we should do a bit better at including Wormtail," James said, just as Peter climbed into the portrait hole, his arms full of cakes and fruit. James lowered his voice. "You know Marlene ditched him?"

"No! He didn't tell me," Remus said in surprise. "When?"

"Just a few days ago. I think he's embarrassed. Doesn't want to be the fifth wheel with us, you know?"

"Yeah," Remus said, watching Peter walk toward them. Now that James mentioned it, Peter had been looking a little downcast the last few days. He mentally chided himself for not noticing. "Yeah, all right. Let's keep an eye on him."

He said his goodbyes to Peter and James and went back upstairs to the dormitory. His jaw dropped when he opened the door. Sirius had pushed their two beds together in the middle of the room and was stretched out on top of them. "Hey, Moony," he said, a cocky grin on his face. "Looks like we're finally alone."

Remus laughed and jumped onto the bed beside him. "Brilliant," he said. "Too bad we can't leave the beds like this all the time." He leaned forward and gave Sirius a deep open-mouthed kiss.

Sirius grabbed him around the waist and pulled him down onto the bed. "A full week alone, Moony," he whispered into Remus's ear. "I know exactly what I'm going to do with it."

* * *

After months of secrecy, a week alone together felt like utter luxury. They exchanged small Christmas gifts—a tiny, moving figure of a black dog for Remus, and a book called _Against Tradition: Purebloods Who Rebelled_ for Sirius—but the time they could finally spend together was worth more than anything else. They began and abandoned countless games of chess, snuck down to the kitchens for illicit snacks, and spent hours listening to the Wizarding Wireless in bed. They walked naked around the dormitory, making lewd comments about each other's bodies. They took long, luxurious showers together in the dormitory shower, and fell asleep and woke up together in one another's arms, Sirius's head resting on Remus's chest. A few times, Remus woke to Sirius's hands—or mouth—on his body, and he thought it would be rather difficult to go back to their old routines once the others returned.

They rarely left the dormitory except to go to meals, where Dumbledore greeted them with what Remus thought were exceptionally knowing smiles ("You're being paranoid again," Sirius told him, rolling his eyes). But for the most part, the few other students on campus didn't seem to find anything odd about Remus and Sirius spending the week together.

"Poor Sirius Black. It's _so_ hard when your best friend starts dating someone seriously," Remus overheard a fifth-year girl say to her friend as he and Sirius passed them in the halls.

"Yeah, I just wish he'd react to Potter and Evans being together by _dating_ more, not by spending more time with Remus Lupin," her friend responded. "Sirius Black is just so handsome. It's a shame he's single." Remus stifled a laugh, and Sirius tossed his hair rather vainly as the girls watched them walk away. The idea that Sirius Black could be interested in men hadn't even crossed most people's minds, except perhaps the one person Remus would rather they never interact with again. For Severus Snape was also staying at Hogwarts for the holidays.

"Well, well, look who it is," Snape sneered at them one morning after they were leaving breakfast. "Has Potters' family finally rejected you as well, Black?"

"Bugger off, Snape," spat Sirius, but Snape continued, a nasty look on his face.

"Imagine having nobody left to spend Christmas with but a _were_ -"

Sirius launched himself forward at Snape, but Remus grabbed his arms just before he could swing. "Let me go, Remus!" Sirius hissed. "How _dare_ he—"

"He's not worth it," Remus said through gritted teeth. If anyone had heard what Snape was about to say...well, he didn't like to think about it. "Let it go."

"Listen to your _boyfriend_ , Black," Snape sneered, his eyes glittering with hatred. "Sweet of you, to defend his honor. Tell me, does Potter know what his best friend is getting up to with Hogwarts' resident mongrel?" Remus's hands were shaking, but he tightened his grip on Sirius's arm.

Sirius's voice was calm and deadly. "It's called friendship, Snivellus. You should try it sometime, not that anyone would have you." He turned to Remus. "Speaking of James, isn't today the day that Evans is visiting the Potters? Meeting his parents? Wonder what _they're_ getting up to?"

Something flickered in Snape's eyes, a pain and hurt so deep that Remus would have pitied him if he were anyone else. But then it was gone, replaced with Snape's usual sneering malice. "She won't be with him forever," he said haughtily. "She'll regret it someday. She's always hated Potter."

"Then she's got a funny way of showing it," Sirius snapped. "Come on, Remus." They left Snape behind, but Remus could still feel his dark, narrowed eyes watching them as they walked away.

"That fucking slimeball," Sirius fumed as they climbed the stairs to Gryffindor tower. "How dare he say those things? If you hadn't stopped me, Moony, I'd have—"

"He knows," Remus said glumly. "He guessed, about us."

"Or he's just pushing our buttons," Sirius said. He stopped and grabbed Remus's arm, looking at him with such intensity that Remus almost had to look away. "Fuck, Moony, I don't _care_ if Snape knows. Nobody would believe him, and so what if they did? I want to be with you."

* * *

The last day of their holiday break came all too soon. Sirius had been quiet most of the morning, lost in thought about something, and Remus had taken the opportunity to get caught up on the homework he'd been neglecting for most of the week.

"Remus, what are you going to do after we graduate?" Sirius asked him finally. They were lying naked on the double bed together, Sirius staring up at the ceiling while Remus attempted to write an essay for History of Magic. He glanced at Sirius in surprise.

"I don't know," he said truthfully. Despite his usual planning and worrying, the uncertainty of their post-graduate lives was something he tried not to think about. "Try to get a job and see how long I can last before they find out about my—"

"Your furry little problem," Sirius finished for him. "Right. But where are you going to live?"

"With my parents, I guess," said Remus, though the idea filled him with dread. "Hopefully not for too long though. They're anxious to be rid of me. Why?"

Sirius plucked Remus's quill out of his hand and tossed it across the room. "I was thinking...what if you lived with me?"

Remus stared at him, open-mouthed. "With you?"

"Yeah," Sirius said nonchalantly, but he was chewing on his bottom lip. "Why not? I mean, I don't have any money or anything, not since my parents disowned me, but we'll figure it out. It'll be cheaper than living alone. And," he said, raking his eyes over Remus's body, "I rather like waking up with you every morning."

Remus blushed. "Of course I'd love to live with you but—"

"Great then, it's settled."

Remus punched him lightly on the arm. "I guess I thought you'd live with James."

"James wants to live with Lily." Remus raised his eyebrows. This, too, was news to him. "Not that she knows it yet. You know how he is. Anyway, _you're_ my boyfriend, not him, if you hadn't noticed."

Remus hesitated, thinking it over. "Isn't it a bit impulsive?" he said finally. "We're only seventeen, and we've only been dating a few months. Nobody even knows." _Except Snape._ Remus quickly pushed that thought out of his mind.

"Doesn't matter. They'll just think we're roommates." Sirius said. "Picture it, Moony. You and me living together every day? Fighting Death Eaters? Shagging on our own kitchen table?" Remus grinned in spite of himself, but there was still something nagging at him.

"Back when we first started this, back in...in the tent, you said we should only think about _now_ ," he said. "Moving in together...that's not just a fun romp anymore. That's a whole different thing. A _real_ thing."

Sirius looked hurt. "A fun _romp_? Is that what this is to you?" He sat up on the bed, staring at Remus.

"No! God, no," Remus said quickly. "I just thought...I mean, you're not exactly the type to plan ahead, you know? I don't want this to be some impulsive decision. And I...I don't want to live together unless this is real to you, too. Unless it's serious."

"Only you could accuse me of being too impulsive _and_ of not living in the moment in the same conversation," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. He grabbed Remus's hand and squeezed it so hard it hurt. "I've never been so serious about anything in my life. I—fuck, Remus. I love you."

His sincerity took Remus's breath away. "You do?"

"Not exactly the response I was looking for," Sirius said, shaking his head. "Of course I do."

Remus smiled. "I love you too," he said softly. "I have for a long time." Sirius took his face in both hands and kissed him hard, passionately, as if he never wanted to stop. "So you'll live with me, then," he said again when they finally broke apart, his face flushed.

Remus took a deep breath. It felt rushed, it felt rash, it felt... _exciting_. He wanted to be as impulsive as Sirius Black. He wanted to say yes, but a thousand worries crowded into his head. _Where will we get jobs? What if we don't get along? What if James is angry? What if people find out?_ But then he looked at his Sirius, who was watching him expectantly, and followed a different impulse instead. He pushed his parchment onto the floor and flipped Sirius onto his back, straddling his hips.

Sirius stared at him in surprise. "You can't distract me with sex, you know," he accused Remus. "I still want an answer to my question."

"Can't I?" Remus asked nervously. _What if Sirius is just looking for stability? What if he's just looking for a way to make his parents mad?_ He leaned down and kissed Sirius, biting his lip. " _This_ is what you want? Every day?"

"Y-yes," Sirius groaned.

Remus kissed his neck. "And this?" _What if Sirius misses being with other people? What if we break up?_

"Yes," Sirius moaned, wrapping his arms around Remus and kissing him back.

Remus reached down between Sirius's legs and grinned wickedly. "And _this_?" _What if the war comes? What if the Death Eaters come for us?_

" _Yes_ ," Sirius hissed. "God, Moony, nobody would ever believe how absolutely filthy—how _sexy_ —you are."

"Just for you," he said, kissing his way down Sirius's torso. Sirius moaned in response. _What if the time we have together, right now, only now, is all the time we get to have?_

"All right," Remus said finally, looking up at Sirius. He pushed aside his worries and fears. It was against his better judgment, but he _wanted_ it. He wanted to live with Sirius and be with him, every single day. "I love you. And I'll live with you." The grin that spread across Sirius's face was only matched by Remus's own.


	16. Chapter 16

"I do not even want to know what went on in this room while we were gone," James said, gazing around the dormitory in distaste.

Remus followed his gaze, blushing. James and Peter had just returned from Christmas break, and the room was in utter disarray. Remus and Sirius's twin beds were still pushed together, the blankets in a tangle on the floor. Their school books and parchment were strewn across the room, and half of Sirius's wardrobe was in a pile in the corner, though that particular mess was nothing new. James wrinkled his nose and opened the window, filling the room with cold, fresh winter air. Remus shivered.

"Probably for the best," Sirius said, sending the beds flying apart from each other with a flick of his wand. "Though Moony's girlish blush will tell you everything you need to know."

"Hey," Remus said, his cheeks reddening. He felt a prickle of disappointment watching Sirius separate the beds. It was a reminder that things were about to go back to normal. With Peter and James back at the castle, he and Sirius would be back to settling for whatever private moments they could steal between classes and Quidditch practice and homework. The dormitory was no longer a safe haven just for them.

James caught his morose expression as he turned from the window. He looked from Remus to Sirius."Look, you two should do whatever you want in here," he said suddenly, a faint blush spreading across his face. Sirius raised his eyebrows, and James gave him an irritated look. "Not that I want to watch or anything," he said quickly. "It's just that we don't have a lot of time left this year, and we should make the most of it. Peter and I can handle seeing you two together, same as you see me and Lily in the common room."

Remus nodded, surprised and grateful, and even Sirius didn't have a snide comment to make. James was right, after all. It wouldn't be long before their time at Hogwarts came to an end.

* * *

As much as the seventh years wanted to enjoy their last months together, a sharp undercurrent of desperation and fear seemed to be growing within the student body and indeed, the faculty as well. Sometime before Christmas, the _Daily Prophet_ had begun reporting more and more disappearances, usually of high profile Muggleborns, though sometimes half-blood witches and wizards as well. A few times, the Marauders opened the paper to find a full-color image of the Dark Mark looming large and green across the night sky, and Remus would feel his insides twist in horror at whatever they were about to read. Inevitably, they would recognize a surname and look up to find a Hogwarts student absent, excused from classes to mourn a cousin, aunt, uncle, sibling, or parent.

"At least we're safe," Peter said one day when they were studying in the library. "Purebloods, I mean." The others looked up at him in uneasy surprise.

"Why would you say that?" Sirius said, staring at him. "What do you mean?"

Peter blushed. "I just mean, you and me and James." He looked apologetically at Remus. "They aren't going after purebloods. It's a load off our minds."

"Peter..." James began carefully, but Sirius reached across the table and slammed Peter's book shut, making him jump.

"That's just great, Wormtail," Sirius snarled. "A load off your mind, is it? Why don't you go have a seat at the Slytherin table, if that's what you think? Or better yet, owl my parents and see if they'll let you join the Noble House of Black. I bet they'll even set up an appointment for you to take the Dark Mark—"

Peter dropped his quill, his eyes wide. "What do you mean? I'm not—I only—"

"Sirius, that's not what he meant," James said, shaking his head. "Wormtail, you can't say stuff like that. Purebloods have even _more_ responsibility to care." James' eyes were kinder than Sirius's, but he stared at Peter with the same intensity. Peter shrank back in his seat. "It shouldn't be a load off your mind at all. It should—it should make you want to _fight_."

Peter's face was crimson. "I'm sorry. I—I do care," he whispered, avoiding from Sirius's narrowed eyes.

James nodded briskly. "Good." He looked around at the others. "Then this is probably as good a time as any to tell you that I talked to Dumbledore yesterday after the prefect's meeting." He glanced around and lowered his voice. "He told me about the secret society. The one fighting the Death Eaters."

Sirius dropped his quill, leaning forward impatiently. "And…?"

"He said that students can't officially join, but since we're of age and we really want to help, we can go to the next meeting and see what it's all about. Lily wants to join, too."

Sirius pursed his lips at this, but Remus nodded. "I don't blame her."

"Okay, so we can join after we graduate. But what can we do _now_?" Sirius pressed, drumming his quill loudly against the table. Remus shot him an annoyed look.

"Not much. Keep up with our studies, maybe practice our curses. Pay special attention to Defense Against the Dark Arts—"

"That's nothing." Sirius frowned. "I want to do more than that. People are _dying,_ and my family—"

"Keep your voice down," James said, shaking his head. "Dumbledore also said we should see it as our responsibility to help maintain, er, harmony and compassion between the Houses."

Sirius scowled. "He means, tell off your Slytherin 'friends' when they spout off that pureblood bullshit. Tell off anyone who talks about the Dark Mark." He paused. "Don't let your little brother _take_ the Dark Mark."

They all fell silent. Peter looked down at the table. "It's all right," Sirius said quietly. "But Dumbledore's right. I should talk to Regulus again. Though I don't think it'll do any good." Remus reached across the table and squeezed Sirius's hand. After a moment, James cleared his throat.

"Speaking of Slytherin bullshit, Snape's still sniffing around Lily," he said with a sigh. "And she's made it clear she wants nothing to do with him. Wish he'd leave her alone."

"Snape's an idiot," said Sirius, perking up. "Not even You-Know-Who would want him."

"That's the truth." James leaned back in his chair and grinned at the other three, and Remus felt some of the tension at the table begin to dissipate. James had that effect on all of them; he always had. "We'll just see what Snape says once Lily and I move in together after graduation."

Sirius met Remus's eyes. _Told you so_. Remus raised an eyebrow at James. "Seems a bit quick, doesn't it? Didn't you just start dating before Christmas? Or do all those years of pining away for her count too?"

"Oh, that's rich, coming from you, Mr. Moony," James said with a smirk. "Please, tell us about _your_ post-graduation plans? I'm sure they're very thoughtful and adult and not impulsive at all." He exchanged a knowing look with Sirius.

Remus turned to Sirius in outrage. "You told him?!"

Sirius shrugged "He's my best mate." Remus rolled his eyes. He felt as though he should be annoyed, but there was something nice—something _normal_ —about Sirius telling James their news.

Peter looked around at them blankly. "What am I missing?"

James cleared his throat as if about to make an important announcement. "Sirius and Remus are getting a place together after we graduate. And yet they have the nerve to tease _me_ about wanting to live with Lily."

"'Wanting' is the key word, Prongs," Sirius pointed out, as Peter's jaw dropped. "Moony actually _agreed_ to live with me. You haven't even brought it up with Evans yet."

"So maybe it's a little rash," said James, running his hands through his hair. "But with the war and all, it feels like things have to happen a little faster than they would otherwise." Remus nodded, glancing at Sirius.

"Great," said Peter glumly. "So you'll all pair off after graduation and I'll be alone." Sirius shrugged, clearly still irritated by Peter's earlier comments, but James and Remus exchanged a concerned look.

"No way," said James, shaking his head. "You'll be with the rest of us so often that you'll be glad to go home to your own place."

"And you'll have to let Sirius stay with you every time I kick him out," Remus said.

"Absolutely not," said Sirius, crumpling up a piece of parchment and tossing it at Remus's head. "I'll be the one kicking _you_ out."

Peter laughed uneasily. "All right. Just don't forget about me, okay?"

"Not a chance, Pete," said James. "You're stuck with us whether you like it or not."


	17. Chapter 17

Dumbledore's secret society held its next meeting at Hogwarts so the interested seventh year students could attend. They filed nervously into the Room of Requirement, eyed curiously by the society's current members. Remus looked up and down the table, a thrill of excitement rising in his chest. Here, he wasn't a werewolf. He wasn't even a Hogwarts student. He was going to be part of something bigger, something important, and the Marauders would be part of it, too. Sirius caught his eye and grinned as Dumbledore began speaking.

"Thank you for joining us at Hogwarts for today's Order of the Phoenix meeting," said Dumbledore, smiling kindly at the Marauders and Lily, who sat together at one end of the table. "I know this is an unusual occurrence, but today we are welcoming several of our seventh year students, who have expressed interest in joining after they graduate."

Remus looked around the room. He was pleasantly surprised to see Alice there, seated shyly next to Frank Longbottom. Frank's presence at the Order meeting wasn't a surprise, of course; the older boy had begun Auror training immediately upon graduating from Hogwarts, and was clearly dedicated to stopping the spread of Dark magic. Remus was also pleased to see Professor McGonagall seated at the other end of the table, the smallest of smiles on her lips as she considered the new recruits.

"Bit young, aren't they, Albus?" said a stern-faced man at the end of the table. He eyed Lily and James, who were whispering to each other, James' arm slung around Lily's shoulders. Sirius caught Remus's eye again and sniggered. Remus rolled his eyes. He couldn't deny that the man had a point.

"They are only here to observe for now, Elphias" Dumbledore said with a smile at the students. "But should they choose to join the Order, I trust that they will be as committed to the cause as you or I." Lily and James nodded and stopped whispering, though Remus saw James give her a little pinch on the side. It was hard to believe, Remus thought, watching them, that Lily had spent the better part of six years hating him. They looked as though they'd always been in love.

"Unfortunately, much of what the Order has to discuss tonight is of a confidential nature, for members only." Sirius opened his mouth to protest, and Dumbledore held up a hand. "However, there are a few things you should know. At this juncture, much of our role is to learn of the Death Eaters' plans and stop them before they are implemented. This might mean spying, intercepting messages, and occasionally spreading false information." Sirius and James exchanged excited glances.

"You say too much, Albus," Professor McGonagall said sternly. "They are not yet members."

"They need to know what will be expected of them, should they choose to join." said Dumbledore firmly. "Some of you will need to be prepared to fight, and not in the gentlemanly manner you may have learned about in Hogwarts' dueling club—or in the highly regulated way the Ministry of Magic might prefer." Frank Longbottom, Auror-in-training, gave a snort of laughter at this, and Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. McGonagall frowned.

"Do not mistake me, however," the Headmaster continued, his eyes suddenly grave. "This work is dangerous and often thankless. If you join us, it is possible that you will become injured, captured, or tortured. It is possible that you will die." His words rang out across the room. Peter gripped the tabletop tightly, his knuckles white.

"Whether or not you are willing to take that risk is a choice you must make for yourself," Dumbledore continued. "If you choose to leave, nobody will stop you. But if you choose to stay, it cannot be because the person you love has joined—" His eyes fell on each of the couples in the group in turn, including, Remus realized with a flush, he and Sirius. "—or because of your friends." His eyes lingered for a brief moment on Peter, who squirmed in his seat.

The students were dismissed shortly afterward. As they pushed in their chairs, Dumbledore suddenly cleared his throat.

"A word, Mr. Lupin?"

* * *

Dumbledore ushered Remus through a door that appeared at the back of the Room of Requirement, and Remus watched him, feeling rather suspicious. Something was wrong. He could count on one hand the number of times he had spoken with Dumbledore alone, and each time they hadn't discussed Remus at all. They had always discussed the full moon, the Shrieking Shack, or the wolf, always as an entity quite separate from Remus himself—something to be avoided, hidden, tamed, ignored.

His stomach twisted. "This is about werewolves, isn't it?" His voice came out as a flat, hoarse croak, almost rude. He didn't apologize.

"Yes," said Dumbledore, unsurprised by his question. Remus felt a familiar sort of exhaustion settle into his bones. He thought of his friends, who were probably excitedly discussing the Order back in the common room. Even the Order of the Phoenix would be something different for him than it was for the others. It would be tainted. It would be _secret,_ just like everything else in his life. "There are tasks—necessary tasks—that none of our existing members can accomplish. Your _condition_ —"

"Lycanthropy," Remus interrupted. He realized with a start that he was glaring at Dumbledore, irritated for the first time at the Headmaster's careful choice of words. "You can say it, sir. I'm a werewolf."

"Indeed." Dumbledore peered curiously at him through his spectacles. "You are aware, I think, that there are colonies of werewolves in Britain who seek to increase their numbers with the aim to retaliate against wizardkind."

Remus nodded. He knew this all too well, and Dumbledore knew he knew. Again, he felt a prickle of irritation at the Headmaster. Remus's own infection was caused by a werewolf well known for purposefully targeting children. _Fenrir Greyback._ The werewolf's name was never far from his mind. Watching him carefully, Dumbledore continued. "The Ministry has noted a recent increase in cases of lycanthropy in the past few years, a rise that coincides with the rise of Lord Voldemort."

Remus stared at him. "They're siding with You-Know-Who, aren't they? You-Know-Who knows they don't trust the ministry, or wizards, and he's taking advantage of that."

"An astute observation. Some, such as Fenrir Greyback, have already made their allegiances clear." Remus flinched at the mention of Greyback's name, but Dumbledore continued as though he hadn't noticed. "Many of these individuals—"

"Werewolves," Remus corrected before he could stop himself. If Dumbledore wanted him to do something with werewolves for the Order, he could at least stop skirting around the issue as though Remus were too fragile to handle it. Or perhaps, he thought with a start, Dumbledore himself was uncomfortable with the idea that Remus himself was one of those _individuals._

Dumbledore's brow creased. "Yes. Many are all too willing to believe the false promises of Lord Voldemort. They are hungry for kindness, for justice, having seen little of it from wizard kind." Remus snorted before he could stop himself, and Dumbledore paused. "You empathize."

Remus felt a tiny pang of guilt, but it wasn't enough to make his mounting anger dissipate. "I'm grateful that you allowed me to come to Hogwarts, sir, but doesn't the fact that I have to keep my _condition_ a secret rather speak to Greyback's point?" Dumbledore didn't respond, and Remus took a deep, shaky breath."You want me to convince werewolves that they should trust wizards, don't you? Convince them that You-Know-Who's got it wrong?"

"Yes," Dumbledore said quietly. "I do. You are uniquely positioned to assist the Order with this mission."

 _Uniquely positioned._ Remus couldn't stifle a snort of derision. His lycanthropy had only ever _uniquely positioned_ him for lying and hiding and secrecy. And even then, he would only ever be able to attain a shadow of a life as a wizard. But now, _now_ his lycanthropy was useful, so long as he used to it to convince werewolves that _they_ were the ones in the wrong.

"I wish I did not have to ask this of you," Dumbledore said quietly. "I understand—"

Remus shook his head. "I'll do it, sir," he said quietly. "But I don't think you understand."

* * *

The others—Sirius, Peter, James, and Lily—were waiting in the hallway when he finally emerged, his face drawn and pinched. Remus blinked at them, surprised and exhausted to see them there. He felt as though he'd been speaking with Dumbledore for hours. He wanted to go back to the dormitory and pull the curtains shut around his bed and stay there for the rest of the year or the duration of the war, or perhaps the rest of his life. But his friends were looking at him, waiting for an explanation.

"Moony," Sirius said, touching his elbow in concern. "What was that about?" Remus looked at them. Their faces were full of excitement. Their war was only just about to begin. Remus suddenly thought that for him, perhaps the war was to be a continuation of what he'd been experiencing his entire life.

"Fuck it," he said, ignoring his friends' startled expressions. He looked straight at Lily, the only one who didn't know. "Lily, I'm a werewolf."

The others stared at him. "Remus, what are you _doing_?" Sirius whispered, gripping his arm.

Remus ignored him. He looked at Lily, waiting, but she met his gaze without revulsion, horror, or fear. "I already know," she said apologetically. "It doesn't make any difference to me."

Sirius rounded on James, whose eyes were wide with surprise. "What the _hell_ , James? You told her?"

James shook his head, looking horrified. "I didn't—I wouldn't—I didn't even know she _knew_."

"It wasn't James," Lily said quickly. "It was Severus." Sirius growled at the news, but Remus felt curiously empty. "I don't think he told anyone else," she added. "I told him to keep his fat mouth shut, actually."

"Fuck him," Sirius spat. " _Fuck_ Snivellus."

"It doesn't matter," Remus said, shaking his head.

"It does matter!" Sirius said hotly."He's a—"

Remus shook his head. "It's fine. I'm a fucking werewolf, all right? At least we all know it." His head pounded. "I'm going back to the dormitory. See you later."

"Remus, wait." Sirius jogged up behind Remus, touching his arm. "What's going on? What's all this about?"

Remus looked at Sirius, and several paces behind him, Lily, James, and Peter, all watching him with concerned faces. His friends. His soon-to-be fellow members of the Order of the Phoenix.

"Dumbledore wants me to convince werewolves that they're wrong about wizards," he said flatly. Sirius's eyes widened. "But I realized tonight that the werewolves are _right_. Wizards will _never_ accept people like me. Not even Dumbledore, for all he's done for me. He can't even say the word 'werewolf' when he talks to me."

Sirius opened his mouth to respond, but Remus shook his head. He couldn't bear for Sirius to say _Don't say things like that_ or _You're different from the rest_ or _I love you anyway._ "How can you love me, Sirius?" he whispered instead, ashamed to fear a tear slide down his cheek. "I'm a _werewolf_."

Sirius stared at him. "You think I give a fuck? Moony, I've seen you transform. I've seen your body do god awful things hundreds of times. It's part of you, but it doesn't _matter_ anymore than it matters that I'm a pureblood or Lily's Muggleborn."

Remus let out a choked sob, and Sirius slipped an arm around his waist. "Fuck Dumbledore and everything he wants from you. You don't have to pretend you're not a wolf. Not with me, and not with them," he said, glancing at the others. "You're _Remus Lupin._ " Sirius kissed him on the mouth right there in the hallway, and Remus's eyes widened in surprise. "I couldn't stop loving you if I tried."


	18. Chapter 18

After the Order meeting, the Marauders began to find it increasingly difficult to go on with their day-to-day lives. While Remus was content to put off Dumbledore's request for him indefinitely, James and Sirius found that classes, homework, and even Quidditch paled in comparison to whatever they imagined they'd be doing for the Order after graduation.

"I can't believe we have to do History of Magic homework while Frank Longbottom and the rest are out there fighting Death Eaters." James complained on a Friday afternoon in the library. "We could be out there helping, but instead we're stuck in here writing essays."

"Fat load of good that does us," Sirius agreed, glancing at Remus's nearly completed essay. "Moony, just a little peek? What good is dating you if I can't copy your homework?"

Remus frowned at him. "Absolutely not."

"Do you really think we'll have to fight?" Peter said nervously, as Remus swatted Sirius's hands away from his essay. "Maybe the war will be over by the time we graduate."

"Maybe," said Remus, wishing he believed it were true. But it seemed unlikely that the war would resolve itself in the few months left before graduation. Time seemed even shorter when Remus thought of it in terms of how many full moons he had left. When Dumbledore first showed him the Shrieking Shack all those years ago, it had seemed as though infinite transformations lay ahead of him. Now he could count them on one hand.

At night, Remus often woke in a cold sweat, with dreams of werewolves, Fenrir Greyback and the Order of the Phoenix dancing through his mind. He began crawling into Sirius's bed at night, curling up against his boyfriend's warm chest and trying to calm his fast-beating heart. Sirius sleepily made room for him each time. "We are absolutely getting a bigger bed after graduation," he muttered, kissing Remus's hair before falling back to sleep.

At least he'd still have Sirius after graduation, Remus thought. Even if everything else fell apart.

* * *

In April, the Marauders half-heartedly put aside thoughts of the war and joined their fellow students on a spring trip to Hogsmeade. By now, Sirius's female admirers had given up that he'd ask someone out, and they contented themselves with watching him and giggling from afar. Remus didn't mind. It was a grey, drizzly day, and he and Sirius walked together down the sidewalk, the backs of their hands brushing discreetly against one another. It was hard to believe that it had only been a few months since their first Hogsmeade date in the fall. Being together was easier now, even in public.

The rain picked up, suddenly drenching their cloaks. Laughing, the two boys ducked into Honeydukes. "Let's stay here till it dies down," Sirius said, wiping his feet on the rug. It was nearly lunchtime and the shop was quiet, most of the students having gone off to the Three Broomsticks or Madame Puddifoot's for lunch. Remus idly pursued the shelves, picking up a few bars of chocolate and some Chocolate Frogs for old time's sake.

"Feeling nostalgic?" Sirius asked, peering into his basket.

"A little," said Remus sheepishly, smiling at him. They wandered toward the back of the shop, to a quiet room where Honeydukes sold Muggle candies and chocolates. The room attracted few customers, but Remus enjoyed the novelty, sometimes finding candy that he recognized from childhood visits to his Muggle grandparents' house. He was about to call Sirius over to the display of candy necklaces when he heard a soft click. He turned to see Sirius closing the door behind them and winking mischievously at Remus.

"What are you doing?" Remus whispered, half intrigued and half exasperated. Sirius only grinned. He put his hands on Remus's hips and pushed him against the display of candy necklaces, pressing a needy kiss into his neck.

Remus flushed, putting a hand on Sirius's chest. " _Sirius_. Not here! Someone will see that you've shut the door—"

"Then we don't have a lot of time, do we?" Sirius whispered naughtily, pressing himself against Remus and kissing along his jawline.

A moan escaped Remus's lips. "You are bad," he muttered. "We're in _Honeydukes_ , for God's sake." But he let Sirius nibble on his lip, let his hands wander down his chest, past his stomach, past— " _Sirius_ ," he moaned again.

"Relax," Sirius murmured, "I know _exactly_ what you want, and it's not Muggle candy." His fingers teased Remus's belt buckle.

"Wait," Remus said suddenly, gasping into Sirius's mouth. He could hear footsteps just outside the door. "Someone's coming." Sirius released him and took a step backward, smoothing down his hair, and Remus quickly slung his shopping basket in front of his lap.

It was barely enough time. The door opened, and Regulus Black entered. His eyes immediately fell on his brother, and Remus looked nervously between the two of them.

The two brothers shared some features—primarily their dark hair and dark eyes—but there was something decidedly different about the ways in which they carried themselves. Regulus was taller and lankier than Sirius, and while Sirius maintained a casual, carefree air, Regulus was usually tense and cautious. Today he looked especially on edge, Remus thought nervously, as Regulus's eyes darted about the room. He took in Sirius's proximity to Remus, their flushed faces, Sirius's bright eyes and swollen lips.

"Reg," Sirius said nervously. "I—I didn't know you liked, er, Muggle candy."

Regulus's eyes narrowed. "I saw you come back here and I thought we could talk. I didn't expect _this_." He looked between Sirius and Remus, his dark eyes glittering. "Were you and Lupin—are you _together_? Because I've heard things, and this looks—"

"No," Remus said hurriedly. "Listen, if Snape told you that, it's—it's not—" His voice faltered, but Regulus ignored him. The two brothers stared at each other.

Sirius swallowed nervously. "Yeah, Reg. We're together."

Regulus didn't say anything for several moments, and then, to Remus's astonishment, he _laughed_. For a moment, he looked like the bright-eyed, nervous boy who'd followed Sirius about the castle as a first year student. "Christ, Sirius. When you want to piss off Mum and Dad you sure go all in, don't you?"

Sirius considered his brother for a moment and shook his head. "I'm not with Remus to piss off Mum and Dad, Reg. I—I'm with him because I love him." He glanced at Remus, who nodded. _It's okay._ "And while we're at it, I didn't refuse the Dark Mark to piss them off either. I just did what I thought was right."

The laughter died on Regulus's lips. "Is that supposed to be some kind of pep talk for me?" he said, his eyes narrowing. "Some kind of Gryffindor bullshit about bravery and _choosing the light_?"

Sirius shrugged. "It's whatever you want it to be, Reg. You don't have to do what Mum and Dad want, is all I'm saying." He looked pointedly at Regulus' left forearm. "Or what anyone else wants."

Regulus laughed hoarsely. "It's too late for that, Sirius." He rolled up his sleeve and took a step toward them, baring his arm. The skull and serpent of the Dark Mark stared up at them, black and crisp against Regulus's pale skin.

"I took it, Sirius. It'll always be there, no matter what I do." He shook his head. " _You_ can do whatever you want. Run around with Gryffindors or shag blokes or—or whatever. It's too late for me."

Sirius paled. "That's not true, Reg. You _know_ it's not true. You can do whatever you want, too."

Regulus shook his head. "It's not that easy. Not for me. But I hope you're happy with what you've chosen." He jerked his head toward Remus. "You know what Severus says about him? That he's a—"

"Don't believe everything Snape tells you," Sirius said icily. "He doesn't know what he's talking about."

Regulus smiled grimly. "Right. See you around, Sirius."

"Regulus, wait," Sirius called after him. But Regulus was already gone, yanking down his shirt sleeve as he disappeared through the door.

* * *

Remus and Sirius were rather subdued when they finally joined the others at the Three Broomsticks. Lily, James, Peter, Frank, and Alice were already seated at a table together in the back, and Peter waved them over.

"You did the best you could, under the circumstances," Remus told Sirius as they pushed their way through the bar. "You told him the truth."

Sirius scowled. "But he doesn't believe it."

"Maybe he will, someday," Remus muttered as they squeezed into the booth beside the others. James gave them a curious look. "Later," Sirius mouthed.

Remus turned to Frank, anxious to change the subject. "Aurors let you out for the weekend?" Remus always felt a little nervous around Frank now that the former Gryffindor was in Auror training. He knew it was stupid, but he couldn't help wondering if Frank would be able to sense the darkness—the wolf—in him. He could almost hear Sirius's annoyed retort. _You're being paranoid again, Moony._

"Yeah, I wanted to come see Alice," Frank said, grinning broadly. "And, er, celebrate." Alice's round, cheerful face beamed happily at all of them.

"Celebrate what?!" Lily demanded, staring at her roommate. "Spill, Alice!" Alice smiled mischievously and held up her left hand, flashing a sparkly engagement ring at them.

"Oh my _God_!" Lily squealed. She grabbed Alice's hand for a closer look at the ring. "When did this happen?"

"Just today," Frank said, grinning from ear to ear.

"Wow," said James, glancing at Lily's shining face. "Well done, Frank. And you, Alice, of course." They all laughed, and James held up his hand, waving the bartender over for another round. "Celebratory drinks on me!" Remus exchanged a knowing look with Sirius. James always threw Galleons around as if they were Knuts, especially when it came to his friends.

"Well, you know how it is," Frank said, smiling at Alice. "We'd thought we'd wait a few years—Alice's mum certainly thinks we should—but with the war and all it feels like time might be short. We have to take happiness where we can get it, you know?"

"Here, here!" James said, raising his glass. "To Alice and Frank!"

"To the Longbottoms!" Lily chimed in. Remus looked around at his friends, clinking glasses with each person in turn. Everyone was smiling, even Sirius, but there was tension, desperation, in every face. _Happiness, fueled by fear,_ he thought, feeling rather cynical.

"What do you say, Lily?" James said, when the excitement died down. "Shouldn't you and I take happiness when we can get it?"

"I'm not going to _marry_ you, James," Lily said, tossing her hair. Remus caught Sirius's eye and took a quick drink to hide his smile. James never let up. But Lily paused, considering him. "But I _will_ move in with you after we graduate, if that's what you're asking. Even though it's against my better judgment."

James whooped with joy and captured her mouth in an enthusiastic kiss that made them all blush.

"Guess we better order another round, then," said Frank, looking at them in amusement. "To happiness!"

"To happiness," Remus echoed, taking a long swig of his butterbeer. Frank and James were right, he thought, swallowing his cynicism. They ought to enjoy it while they could.


	19. Chapter 19

With graduation approaching, Sirius and Remus began looking for a place to live. Dumbledore had suggested that Remus remain near Hogwarts so that he could continue using the Shrieking Shack for his transformations each month. He also suggested that he and Remus could begin working together on Remus's work for the Order, which Sirius and James had dubbed the "Big Furry Project." Remus was not particularly keen on the plan, but flats near Hogsmeade were affordable and he didn't have any other ideas.

"It'll be fun," Sirius said, shrugging. He and Remus were laying on Sirius's bed in the dormitory, watching Peter and James play a rather vicious game of wizard's chess. "We'll get a place in Hogsmeade like a couple of Muggleborns who've never seen the rest of the wizarding world. And we'll Floo about to see James and Peter and the rest whenever we like."

Remus sighed. "I still don't know how we're going to pay for it. I don't have any job prospects except helping the Order, and that's not going to pay the bills."

"I told you, don't worry about it," said Sirius. "I have a little gold from my Uncle Alphard's will. He didn't care about me being disowned by the Blacks, though I'm not sure what he'd have thought of the gay werewolf sex."

Peter snorted, but Remus didn't look amused. Sirius sighed. "Okay, not funny. Anyway, by the time that money runs out, maybe the war will be over and we'll get regular jobs."

" _You'll_ get a regular job," said Remus. "I'll still be a werewolf when the war is over."

James glanced up at them. "I wish you'd let me help. Lily and I will be in Godric's Hollow, and you two could—"

" _No_ ," Remus said forcefully. "I know you're filthy rich James, but it's bad enough that I'll be living on Sirius's money. I'm not taking yours too."

James shrugged and directed his knight to crush one of Peter's pawns. "Fine. But you're not getting rid of me that easily. I'm at least getting you a housewarming gift or two. Or three. Maybe a new set of brooms..."

"He thinks he's the third member of our relationship," Sirius told Remus, rolling his eyes.

Remus shrugged. "He's probably right."

* * *

Graduation came at last, though it was a rather somber affair given the rapidly escalating war. Remus's own father didn't come, not that Remus expected him to. His mother came, and cried, and left before the ceremony was finished.

"That's bullshit," Sirius muttered to Remus, watching her leave. "Who gives a rat's ass if you're a—if you've got a furry little problem? You're a better wizard than most of the gits in here and that's a fact."

Remus smiled gratefully at him, but he could hardly blame his parents. What was the point in watching their only son graduate from Hogwarts only to go on to a life of poverty and discrimination and pain? He wondered which was greater, their guilt over his condition or their disgust at his lack of humanity. For his mother, he expected it was the former, for his father, the latter.

Sirius's own parents weren't much better. They came to graduation, but only, it seemed, to make an appearance. They sat with the Slytherin families, and did not applaud when Sirius's name was called. Their lack of enthusiasm wasn't overtly noticeable, however. The Marauders and their fellow Gryffindors clapped and whooped loudly for everybody and Mrs. Potter cried tears of pride for Sirius as well as James.

"Who needs family, eh?" Sirius said above the applause, flashing a grin at Remus when he sat back down. He reached for Remus's hand, shielded by the voluminousness of their robes, and held it tightly for the rest of the ceremony. Graduation didn't look the way Remus had expected it to, but he had to admit that it was rather nice all the same.

* * *

"Well, this is it," James said a few hours later. "Guess we're adults now."

The Marauders were standing together in the Hogwarts entrance hall, the Potters and Pettigrews waiting nearby for them to say their goodbyes. Students milled about with their families, and Remus saw more than one of his classmates dissolve into tears. His own chest felt tight with emotion as he looked around at his friends. James' arm was draped around Lily, and she looked up at him, her face full of hope and delight and love. She and James were going to spend a few weeks with the Potters before moving to Godric's Hollow, and Peter was headed home with his family. Sirius and Remus didn't have far to go; the keys to their new Hogsmeade flat were already jangling cheerfully in Remus's pocket.

"I guess we'll see each other at the next Order meeting, then," Sirius whispered excitedly. "Just a few weeks."

"It'll be the Marauders' next and greatest adventure," James proclaimed. "Can't wait."

"Oh, please." Lily rolled her eyes. "You know you'll all be Flooing each other before the week's even over."

They all laughed. "True enough," James agreed.

"Are you boys—and Lily—sorry, dear—nearly ready?" Mrs. Potter said, approaching them. "It's about time." She looked up at Sirius fondly. "You be careful out there, you hear? You and Remus take care of each other, and don't forget that you always have a home with us."

"Yes ma'am," Sirius said, his voice choked with emotion. He pulled the short woman into a tight, grateful hug, and Remus suddenly felt the urge to blink back tears himself. "Thank you, Mrs. Potter. For everything."

"It was nothing, Sirius. You're our boy too, you know. And you, Remus." Remus nodded. James didn't know how lucky he was, to have parents like the Potters.

Remus hugged the others goodbye, and then, quite suddenly, it was over. Seven years of Hogwarts and seven years of Gryffindor House. More full moons than he could count, but between them, years of friendship and pranks and essays and Quidditch matches, and on top of all of that, the last entire school year spent as Sirius's boyfriend. His heart swelled, and he wondered if he'd ever have such a time again in his life.

"Ready?" Sirius said once the others had gone.

"Ready," Remus agreed, smiling at him. "Let's go home."


	20. Part Three: The First Wizarding War

Sirius was a slob. This was not entirely news to Remus, having shared a dormitory with him for seven years, but sharing a flat was a bit different. At Hogwarts, they hadn't needed to wash dishes or take out the trash or even do their own laundry.

"My god," Remus said to Sirius a few months after they'd moved in together. "I just realized that you've never lived anywhere without house elves to look after you."

Sirius shrugged and turned the pages of his comic book without looking up. He was stretched out on the sofa, wearing a pair of jeans and one of Remus's old cardigans with nothing on underneath. It wasn't fair that he was so bloody attractive, Remus thought, his eyes traveling the length of Sirius's body and landing on his bare chest. It made it altogether too difficult to scold him about things like a sink full of dishes or dirty laundry left in a pile on the bathroom floor. Sirius caught him looking and grinned.

"But I have you, don't I, Moony?" he said, batting his eyelashes in what he clearly thought was a charming manner. "Shame you're a werewolf and not a house-elf."

Remus gave Sirius an affectionate swat on the back of the head. "Yes, I'd be much more useful if I were a house-elf, wouldn't I?"

"But decidedly less sexy," Sirius said with a growl. He sat up and grabbed Remus around the waist, pulling him down heavily onto the couch. Remus shrieked in surprise. "Guess I'll put up with you after all."

"I'm honored." Remus picked up Sirius's copy of _The Adventures of Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle_ , and paged through it. "Aren't you supposed to be working on your new mission for the Order?" At the last Order meeting, Dumbledore had asked Sirius to begin making connections with friends and family of the Blacks, especially those who might be Voldemort sympathizers or have knowledge of the Death Eaters' plans.

Sirius's snatched the comic book back from Remus. "I don't know what good it'll do. All my parents' friends know I've been disowned, and they think I've been poisoned by 'Muggle-loving Dumbledore.' They'll see right through me, Regulus especially."

"I dunno," Remus said thoughtfully. "They might think you're desperate, realizing you can't make it out on your own without the family. Maybe you've realized that living with a disgusting half-breed's not all it's cracked up to be. Tell them you're ready to cleanse yourself and repent."

Sirius looked thoughtfully at him. "That's pretty brilliant, actually, aside from the fact that it's utterly repulsive. I rather like living with a filthy half-breed." He grinned and pulled Remus onto his lap. "Now come here and defile me, will you?"

* * *

Aside from the mess, living with Sirius had proved to be altogether agreeable. It was worth putting up with the piles of clothes and sink full of dishes for the constant camaraderie, late evening walks to the Three Broomsticks, Saturdays mornings spent drinking tea and reading, and perhaps especially, the long, lazy, and completely private afternoons spent in the bedroom. Remus even let Sirius talk him into broomstick rides across the countryside, though he was less excited about the flying motorbike Sirius had begun to talk about purchasing. They still saw quite a lot of Peter and James, who really were a short Floo trip away, and who always came for a night or two at the full moon.

The only aspect of their new lives that Remus was not particularly keen on was how often he saw Albus Dumbledore.

A few days a week, Remus walked through the tunnel from the Shrieking Shack to Hogwarts, where he sat in the library and pored over books, pamphlets, and missives that Dumbledore had acquired from various contacts. They were all about werewolves. He learned where their colonies were, which werewolves were thought to dwell alone in caves, and that some, like him, lived among wizards and muggles and did their best to keep a low profile. Each time he learned where a new werewolf or colony might be located, he marked it carefully with a dot on a large map of Great Britain. There were a lot of dots, in some cases so many that they crowded one another.

"You're surprised," Dumbledore said one afternoon, watching him survey the map.

"Yes, I suppose I am," Remus said slowly. "I didn't know there were so many. I thought…"

"You thought you were alone." Dumbledore looked at the small dot in Hogsmeade where Remus had marked himself. "In some ways, you are still alone, Remus. You know that many of these individuals—werewolves—have already allied themselves with Fenrir Greyback and Lord Voldemort. We do not know how many, of course, but the reports I've heard are not positive. The numbers in Greyback's colony in particular continue to grow."

"I"ll have to talk to them to find out," Remus said. "I can't keep putting it off."

"Yes," Dumbledore agreed. "When will you be ready?"

Remus looked at him in surprise. They'd spent enough time discussing it together that Remus had begun to assume that Dumbledore would join him, or at least that he would tell him when and how to begin. Dumbledore smiled kindly at him. "I can only help you so much, Remus. By now you know as much—or more—than I."

Remus nodded. He knew that it was time. The others—James, Sirius, Peter, Lily, and Marlene, who had also joined the Order—had already begun their work. Most of their missions so far had involved preventing Death Eaters from harming Muggles for sport. "Muggle baiting," it was called, and it made Remus feel sick. In one case, his friends had been able to stun all the Death Eaters, remove their masks, and report their identities back to the Order, all at great personal risk.

And meanwhile, Remus was sitting at Hogwarts with Dumbledore, drinking tea and reading books.

"All right," he said, looking at the map. "I'm ready. I'll go."

* * *

He identified a lone werewolf living north of London for his first trip. Dumbledore agreed that a solitary visit would be an easier beginning than a colony, and perhaps this werewolf would know something about Greyback's plans. Remus did not tell Dumbledore that Sirius insisted on joining him.

"I'll transform and go as Padfoot," Sirius said. "You'll do all the talking, and I'll just be there in case it gets dangerous. Can't believe Dumbledore would send you to do this on your own, anyway. He always sends the others out in pairs."

"If you insist," Remus said with a shrug, but he was secretly grateful. For all his preparation, he was afraid to meet with other werewolves by himself. He was afraid, too, that the mission was hopeless and could never be a success.

And so six months after graduation, Remus and a large, shaggy black dog could be seen walking together in a forested area north of London. It was a dreary, drizzly sort of day, and Remus squinted at his map, trying to shield it from the rain. "We should be close," he muttered to Sirius. They walked down a quiet, winding path that reminded Remus somewhat of the path that led from Hogsmeade to the Shrieking Shack. But this area was far more remote. If something went wrong it would be months before anyone would find them.

At last, they came to a small house, much smaller than the Shrieking Shack, which sat alone in the middle of a clearing. Its windows were boarded up, and he could see claw marks on the nearby trees.

"This must be it." Remus whispered, his heart thudding. "What'll we do if he's not home?" But as he spoke, the door opened and a middle-aged, grey-haired man emerged. Remus knew from his research that this man—this _werewolf_ —couldn't be more than forty or fifty years old, but he looked much older, with dark circles around his eyes, sallow skin, and thin, greying hair. _That could be me someday,_ Remus thought with a start.

"You shouldn't be here," the man said, looking from Remus to the black dog. His eyes finally rested on Remus's scarred face.

"I mean no harm," said Remus, holding out his hands. They were empty, open, non-threatening, as he and Dumbledore had discussed, but both his wand and Sirius's were tucked up his sleeves, just in case. "I only want to talk."

The man's face was expressionless. "I'm sure you do. But I have no use for your kind."

"It's all right," Remus said quickly, his hands still outstretched. "I'm a werewolf, too." Something was wrong. In his imagination, the man would have invited them inside by now or offered them his name, or in a worse case scenario, threatened them off the premises. But this man only looked tired and vaguely irritated at their presence. Remus had not planned for this.

The man barked out a laugh. "I know you're a werewolf," he said, shaking his head. "I could smell it on you a mile away. And you can tell your friend he can change back to his human form. He's no dog."

Remus looked down at Sirius in surprise. "I don't know what you mean," he said quickly, his heart pounding. "And what do you mean, you could _smell_ me?"

The man looked curiously at him. "Boy, you don't know what you are, do you?" He took a step closer to Remus. "I smell the wolf on you, and I smell the human on your dog. I smell the human on you too, come to think of it."

Sirius whined nervously and stood protectively in front of Remus, but the man ignored him. "Your scent tells me everything I need to know about you. You're one of those that lives among wizards and transforms in secret. I can smell your shame."

"I don't believe you," Remus said nervously. "You can't _smell_ me."

The man laughed again. It was a cold, harsh sound. "You've never met another wolf before, have you? Go on and take a whiff, tell me you don't smell the wolf."

Sirius whined again and nudged Remus's hand nervously with his head, but Remus, too, ignored him. He hesitated and sniffed the air, feeling foolish. The man watched him. "Again, boy."

This time, Remus inhaled heavily, his heart rate quickening. At first, nothing. And then he could smell it.

It was the smell of the full moon and the hunt, the smell of all the nights he'd spent as the wolf, all the nights he couldn't remember. There was a pungency to it that was anything but human. When Remus smelled this man, he didn't feel like Remus Lupin at all. He felt like the _wolf_. His eyes widened, and the man gave him a knowing look.

"There you go, boy," he said softly, shaking his head. "I don't know what kind of life you're living that you haven't smelled your own kind."

"You live alone too." Remus took a step back, put a hand on Sirius's shaggy head for reassurance. He needed to get that smell out of his nostrils, needed to remember his mission. His humanity. "That's why I'm here, actually, I—"

"Let me guess," the man interrupted. "You're not one of Greyback's, that's for sure. Greyback's clan know the scent and they wouldn't travel with a human, even one in dog form."

Remus chewed his bottom lip, waiting. The rain had picked up, but he knew that this man would not invite him inside. "I'm not with anyone," he said. "I—"

"Don't lie to me, boy. Greyback was here just last month, telling me about some wizard that he's joined forces with. Telling me it'd be worth my while to join too. That's why you're here, isn't it?"

So Dumbledore was right about Greyback. Remus took a deep breath. "I'm not with Greyback or the wizard he's aligned himself with," he said quickly. "I'm with the other side." He tried to remember the script he'd rehearsed with Dumbledore, but his mind was blank. "Look, if that wizard, _V—Voldemort_ , gains power, it'll be bad for werewolves. That's why I'm here. To warn you. To _work_ with you."

The man laughed skeptically. "It's already bad for werewolves. Can't imagine things'll get much worse. You're young yet. You'll learn someday that wizards have no use for our kind. There's nothing for us in that world."

"But—"

"No." The man turned away, his hand on the doorknob. "I won't be joining any wizards or any werewolves who have anything to do with wizards. That includes you and it includes Greyback, too."

Remus took a step forward, but the man held up his hand. "I don't want to see you here again." He gave Sirius one last look of disgust before he disappeared inside. "And next time you visit a werewolf, don't bring that dog, or whatever he really is. They'll smell the human on him. And even if they didn't, they'll never listen to a werewolf who has a _pet_."

* * *

Remus and Sirius trekked silently back to town and bought Muggle train tickets for their journey home. Remus didn't trust himself to Apparate. He was tired and damp and discouraged. He hadn't had high expectations for the trip, but the man's calm derision was almost worse than if he had been angry or cruel.

"At least you know he won't be joining Greyback," Sirius said quietly when they were finally on their way home. Remus didn't respond; he was staring out the train window, wondering what to tell Dumbledore and what he should do next. Sirius hesitated. "Could you really smell the wolf on him?"

"Yeah," Remus said quietly. "I could." He avoided Sirius's gaze and watched a lone raindrop drizzle down the window pane. The scent of the other man bothered him as much—or more—than his refusal to listen to Remus's cause. If he were honest with himself, smelling the other wolf had made him feel alive in a way he had never felt before. Remus normally dreaded the full moon and everything it represented, but when he had that scent in his nostrils he had almost craved it. He wondered, horrified at himself, what it would be like to transform with another wolf. _I can smell your shame,_ the other werewolf had said, and Remus believed him. But he didn't tell Sirius any of this.

"Thanks for coming with me," he said instead. "Guess I'll be going alone next time."

Sirius sighed. "I guess so." He put an arm around Remus and pulled him close. Remus rested his head on Sirius's shoulder and tried to forget about the war, his mission, and the scent of the wolf, still lingering in his nostrils.


	21. Chapter 21

The first few months after graduation had passed slowly, languishly, even, with Remus and Sirius growing accustomed to their new lives together and easing into their work for the Order. Once Remus began making contacts with werewolves, however, it seemed that the time between each full moon flew by. The Marauders, Lily, and Marlene were constantly busy with missions and trainings, fear and worry beginning to twist into every aspect of their daily lives, far more than it had when they were still at Hogwarts. Most of them worked for the Order full time and had little respite from the horrors of the war. They still saw each other frequently and tried to keep their spirits up, but things had begun to fray a bit at the edges.

As if the war itself weren't enough, Remus and Sirius had begun to find that their adult lives were far more expensive than they'd expected, and Sirius's inheritance from Uncle Alphard was already beginning to dwindle. Whenever Remus brought it up, Sirius, unaccustomed to having to worry about money and anxious about the connections he was supposed to be making for the Order, erupted in defensive anger.

"It'll be fine, all right! I don't have time for this. Maybe I'll ask my fucking cousin Bellatrix for money next time I see her." His voice was sarcastic, angry. "'Hello, Bellatrix! Could I have a bit of cash? Oh, and Dumbledore wants to know if you and your husband are Death Eaters. Cheerio!'"

So Remus backed off. He also had little time to dwell on their financial problems, as he was spending more and more of his time traveling across the country, meeting with werewolves. It rarely went well, most of them meeting him with disgust and distrust. Invariably, anytime he _did_ feel as though he were making progress, the werewolves asked him to transform with them at the next full moon. He'd met with one werewolf, Goro Banden, three times, and Banden seemed to be on his side. But then he'd asked Remus not to return unless he was willing to "share the next hunt."

"Look, I'm not a fan of Greyback either, but I can't trust a werewolf who comes here smelling of wizards. Transform with me sometime and then we'll talk again."

If Remus was honest with himself, he'd already decided to do it, though he knew that Sirius wouldn't like it and even Dumbledore would think it too dangerous. He told himself that if he did transform with Banden, it would be for the Order and for his mission, but he knew that part of it had to do with the scent of the wolf, which he couldn't get out of his mind. He _wanted_ to experience it: the moon, the hunt, the _pack_ , all of it in the way other werewolves did.

* * *

Today, though, had been a good day. Remus was a week past the full moon, feeling energetic and strong and driven. Instead of meeting with a fully grown werewolf or a colony, he'd gone to visit a young girl who had been newly infected by Fenrir Greyback. Her parents were utterly terrified of Remus, of course, but he'd won them over with his quiet demeanor and the expensive set of dress robes he'd borrowed from James. Aside from the scars, he looked like a successful, well-to-do wizard, not a penniless werewolf living in a rundown flat with his secret boyfriend. But they didn't know any of that.

 _You have to love her_ , he wanted to tell them. _Don't let her see your guilt, your shame, your disgust over what she's become._ Instead, he spoke calmly, encouraging them to keep the child safe, to shield her from Greyback, and to allow her to attend Hogwarts when the time came. He lied through his teeth, telling them brightly how _normal_ his life was. He omitted his secrets and his shame and the fact that he couldn't find a job to save his life.

It felt disingenuous and wrong until he took the child's hand in his own and looked into her eyes.

"You're really a werewolf?" she asked, looking up at him. "This isn't a joke?"

"Yes." It had been years since Remus spoken to a child. This one was terribly small and fragile, and his heart broke for her. Her lifetime of lonely transformations had only just begun. He wondered for a one insane moment what Sirius would say if he brought the girl home. _Don't be an idiot_ , he chided himself. _She_ has _parents, and you're not in any position to raise a child. Get a grip._

"I'm a werewolf, like you," he told her. "Can you see my scars?"

She nodded, touching the ugly lines that crossed his cheek with a small, tentative hand. "They're like mine." She rolled up her sleeve to show him the cruel scars that ran up and down her arms. They were still fresh and pink and healing. He looked questioningly at her mother.

"They're from the last full moon. We can't go near her, so there's nothing we can do about it." Her voice broke. "Will it ever get easier?"

"Somewhat," he said honestly. "It's always difficult, but you'll learn— _she'll_ learn—to manage. If you allow her to attend Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore will make sure that her transformations are safe, and her needs are met." He looked the little girl in the eyes. "He did it for me, and he'll do it for you. You'll grow up and you'll have friends and you'll—you'll find love. You'll do all the things you've ever wanted to do." He blinked back tears, hoping it was true.

* * *

Remus Flooed home immediately afterwards, anxious to tell Sirius about the girl and her mother. It had felt good to talk to them. The lies he'd told were worth it if he could spare that girl even a fraction of the pain he'd endured as a child. He made up his mind to visit every one of Greyback's young victims as soon as he could.

"Sirius?" he called, stumbling to his feet on the hearth. "Are you home? Wait till you hear—"

"In the kitchen, Remus," called a somber voice. Remus stopped short. It wasn't Sirius's voice; it was Dumbledore's. His heart sank. There could be no good reason for the Headmaster's presence in their flat. He took a deep, shaky breath and entered the kitchen.

He found Sirius slumped at the table, his head in his hands. Dumbledore was setting a steaming pot of tea in front of him, his face grim. "Hello, Remus."

"Professor—what—what's happened?" Remus yanked back the chair nearest Sirius and sat beside him, placing a hand on his arm. "Sirius, what's wrong?"

Sirius raised his head, his cheeks damp and his eyes swollen. Remus had never seen him look so defeated. "It's Regulus and my father," he said hoarsely. "They're both dead."

"Dead?!" Remus looked up at Dumbledore in shock. "They can't be, not both of them. Sirius just saw Regulus the other day, he was fine, right, Sirius?" But Sirius's head was back in his hands. Remus wanted to pull Sirius onto his lap, hold him and comfort him, but he settled for rubbing his back in slow, even circles. He looked up at Dumbledore, waiting for an explanation.

"It's true," Dumbledore said, his light blue eyes full of a pain that Remus had never seen there before. "We know little of Regulus's death; perhaps he was on a mission for Voldemort, perhaps something else altogether, but he was reported dead by the family's house elf late last night."

"Kreacher wouldn't lie," Sirius muttered darkly. "He's a foul beast, but he wouldn't lie."

Remus gripped Sirius's arm and swallowed his own tears. "And Sirius's father?"

"He was found dead at Grimmauld Place this morning," Dumbledore said gravely. "He appears to have taken his own life."

Sirius raised his head off the table and looked at Dumbledore. "He's a coward," he spat. "You'd think he'd be _happy_ that his son died in the service of You-Know-Who. What a great, noble _honor_ that should be. That's what he always said. That to die for the Dark Lord is the most noble of deaths."

"Sirius," Remus whispered. His heart ached. He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, and Sirius pressed his damp face into the crook of Remus's neck in a way that was decidedly more like a lover than a friend, but today, Remus didn't care if Dumbledore—if anyone—saw. "I'm so sorry," he murmured as Sirius's body shook with sobs. "I'm so sorry. Regulus was a good person, Sirius. He was coming around. I know he was."

"Indeed, it seemed that he was," Dumbledore said sadly. Remus pulled away from Sirius, his own eyes wet, and looked up at Dumbledore. "Forgive me," the old man said. "But Sirius's observation is astute. It is uncharacteristic for a pureblood father of a Death Eater to express such dismay over a son's sacrifice to the Dark Lord."

"What are you saying?" Sirius asked, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Dumbledore reached in his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief.

"That perhaps your father knew something more of Regulus's death. Perhaps he did not die in service of Voldemort after all. Perhaps your dedication to Regulus was not in vain."

"But how can we know?" Sirius looked skeptical, but Remus knew they'd cling to this bit of hope for the rest of their lives. "How did my father know?"

"Perhaps Kreacher told him what he would not tell anyone else," Dumbledore said, shaking his head. "We may never know the truth of Regulus's death. We can only hope."

Sirius nodded silently. He blinked at Remus, eyelashes wet with tears. "You look nice today," he said softly, reaching out to touch Remus's dress robes.

Remus smiled halfheartedly. "Thanks," he said. "I borrowed the robes from James."

"It went well today, then?" Dumbledore asked Remus, pouring them each another cup of tea. "Meeting with the child?"

Remus nodded. "Yeah. It did." He didn't elaborate. They sat together, drinking their tea in silence, until they heard the sound of the Floo from the other room.

"Hello? Okay to come in?" a voice called from the fireplace.

"It's James," Remus said, looking at Sirius.

Sirius nodded, "Yeah, let him in." He wiped his face with Dumbledore's handkerchief and sat up a bit straighter.

"Come in," Remus called to James. "We're in the kitchen."

"I have news!" James shouted. Remus winced at the enthusiasm. A moment later, James bounded into the room. "Wait till you hear—"

He stopped short at the sight of Dumbledore seated at the tiny kitchen table, taking in Remus's tired expression and Sirius's swollen eyes. "Sir—Professor Dumbledore—what's going on?"

"Have a seat and a cup of tea," Dumbledore said, gesturing to the table. "We, too, have news."

* * *

By the time they had told James the whole story, they'd all switched from tea to firewhiskey. "What happens now?" James asked, draining his glass. "Will you see your mother? Will you go to the funeral?"

Remus flushed; he'd nearly forgotten about Walburga. Sirius looked at Dumbledore. "I suppose I'd better," he said. "For the Order, right? I can go as the repentant son, get some information…"

Remus shook his head. "That's not right," he said. "It's not fair—your brother just _died_ , for God's sake."

"As your friend, I agree with Remus," Dumbledore said, looking at Sirius. "But as the leader of the Order of the Phoenix, I have to agree that your plan may be especially effective right now."

"I'll do it."

Dumbledore nodded and turned to James. "Now, Mr. Potter. I seem to recall that you also had news to share. Please do, if it is fit for an old man's ears, that is."

James bit his lip and looked around the table at them. "Now might not be the time," he said finally. "It's—"

"If it's happy news, then you'd better share it," Sirius said glumly. "I could use it."

"All right," James said. There was a hint of grin on the corners of his mouth, and Remus felt a flutter of anticipation, almost as if they were back at school and James was going to reveal his newest prank.

"Lily's pregnant. We're getting married."

* * *

"What a day," Sirius said later that night, pulling the covers up over his head in bed. Remus climbed in beside him, resting his head on Sirius's pillow. "What a fucking day."

"I know," Remus said. He placed a steady hand on Sirius's chest. "It's shit, this war."

"It _is_ shit." Sirius rolled over to face him. "But then there's James, that idiot. Haven't those kids heard of a contraceptive potion?"

Remus snorted. "You don't think they did it on purpose, do you?"

"Wouldn't put it past them," Sirius said thoughtfully. He closed his eyes and was silent for so long that Remus thought he had fallen asleep, until a tear dripped down his cheek.

"Oh, Sirius," Remus whispered, wiping it away with his thumb. "I'm so sorry." He pulled Sirius close to him, just like he had that night in the tent, when Sirius had first told Remus about Regulus and the Dark Mark. The first time they'd kissed. He'd been so angry with Sirius about the prank on Snape. It felt like a lifetime ago.

"Things are only going to get worse before they get better, aren't they?" Sirius asked.

"I'm afraid so," Remus said, stroking Sirius's dark hair. "But we're doing everything we can right now. Maybe James' baby will grow up in a better world because of the Order. Because of _us_." He tried to remember what Sirius had told him on that second morning in the tent. "Just worry about now. Only now, okay?"

 _Because now feels pretty damn good,_ Sirius had said on that morning before he kissed Remus goodbye and Remus had tripped and cut open his knee. They'd never bought the round of butterbeer they owed their friends, he realized suddenly. The attack on the apothecary had interrupted their plans.

"Now doesn't feel very good anymore," Sirius said, reading Remus's thoughts.

"I know," Remus said, holding him. "But it's all we've got."


	22. Chapter 22

Later, when Remus looked back on this time in his life, James and Lily's wedding would be a bright, happy oasis in a long, dark tunnel of uncertainty, fear, and sadness. The wedding itself was a small affair held in James' parents backyard only a few months after their big announcement. Only family and a few friends were in attendance, but it was perfect and exactly the sort of diversion the Marauders needed from the war. Remus sat next to Peter during the ceremony and watched James and Lily make their vows, Sirius and Marlene standing up beside them.

"They're idiots, right?" Peter whispered to Remus as they watched James and Lily clasp each other's hands.

"Absolutely," Remus said. He caught Sirius's eye and grinned. "But they're happy idiots, so I think it's all right."

Sirius was rather teary-eyed during the ceremony, which Remus found touching, and rather drunk during the reception, which he found both amusing and annoying. "Now I have to keep an eye on you," he said, rolling his eyes as Sirius tried to drag him out on the dance floor. "Can't have you making a scene on James and Lily's day, can I?"

"Come on, just one dance," Sirius whined, kneeling in front of Remus's chair as though he were Padfoot, begging for a treat. He clasped his hands on Remus's knee and fluttered his eyelashes. "You'll regret it forever if you don't."

"People are watching," Remus said, trying not to laugh. "I'm absolutely not drunk enough for this."

"Then get drunker." Sirius got up and perched precariously on the arm of Remus's chair, nearly falling into his lap. "If James can up and get married, you and I can at least _dance_. Come on, Moony. We haven't had any fun in ages."

"There's a war on, if you haven't noticed," Remus said, rolling his eyes. But Sirius had a point. He sighed and grabbed Peter's drink, downing in it in two gulps.

Sirius grinned broadly. "Here's our Moony, back from the dead!"

"All right," Remus said, flashing Sirius a lopsided smile. His head was already beginning to feel fuzzy from the wine he'd had earlier, and whatever sweet abomination Peter had been drinking certainly didn't help. "Let's dance."

Sirius whooped with glee and pulled him onto the dance floor, lights twinkling brightly overhead. The dance was fast enough and Sirius silly enough that he knew any onlookers would dismiss them as _James' Hogwarts friends being ridiculous_ , or _Sirius Black being absurd as usual_. And Remus found that tonight, he didn't care if they _did_ make other assumptions about the two boys embracing each other on the dance floor. When he looked into Sirius's flushed, laughing face, a warm glow seemed to spread throughout his entire body. _What war?_ he thought wildly, grinning as Sirius careened him about. He never wanted this night to end.

* * *

They heard a few whispers throughout the night about Lily's pregnancy, which had become rather obvious, even under her gauzy white dress robes. Lily only shrugged.

"Can't hide it forever," she said as they all caught their breaths after a particularly exuberant dance number. "I mean, what'll they say when there's an actual baby around? Am I supposed to hide him too?"

"Wait a minute, Evans, are you saying you're _pregnant_?" James teased, his eyes widening in mock disbelief. Peter snorted.

"Evans?" Lily's eyes sparkled at him. "I think you mean _Potter_ , Potter." Remus groaned, but James laughed in delight, dipping his bride for a kiss.

"It's a shame your sister couldn't be here," Alice said softly, looking around at the guests, who were mainly friends of the Potters.

Lily shrugged at this too, but there was a flicker of hurt in her eyes. "Petunia's pregnant too, said she's not feeling well," she explained. "But honestly, the real reason is probably that she can't stand wizards. She's never been able to."

"Wasn't Snape the first wizard she ever met though?" Sirius asked. "I can hardly blame her, really."

James made a face. "I'll thank you not to bring Snivellus up at my wedding, Padfoot. But I _do_ feel sorry for Petunia's baby," he said, ducking as Lily gave him a good-natured swat. "Vernon Dursley is absolutely the _last_ man I'd want for a father."

"It's a year for babies, in any case," Lily said happily. "And ours and the Longbottom's are due at the same time." Alice had announced her only pregnancy not long after James' big announcement.

"They'll be able to go to Hogwarts together," said Frank, slipping an arm around Alice's waist. "They'll be friends. Gryffindors, hopefully." They all smiled at that; it was a nice, normal, happy thought.

"Gryffindors or not, you're all insane," Sirius proclaimed, and Peter snorted. "Don't think Remus and Peter and I are going to babysit, either. You made your beds full of squalling infants, now you'll have to lie in them."

Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius. The wine and the dancing were beginning to go to his head, and he felt a pleasant sort of haziness as he looked around at his friends. He was surprised to find that he was rather looking forward to the babies. It was nice to have something pleasant and hopeful on the horizon, even if he privately agreed with Sirius that all of them were insane. He let Sirius grab his hand and pull him back out onto the dance floor, ignoring the knowing look that James' parents exchanged as they watched the two boys dance. Tonight, Remus was happy, just like everyone else.

* * *

"Listen, I have something for you two," James said to Remus and Sirius after most of the guests had left. The Marauders were standing in the Potters' living room, tired and tipsy and draining their last drinks of the night. Sirius was pretty far gone, leaning against Remus for support, and Remus felt just sober enough to Apparate the two of them home without Splinching them both. "It's sort of a gift. And a request."

"Classic James," said Remus, shaking his head. "Giving gifts even on his own wedding day."

James only smiled and pressed a heavy bag into Remus's arms. Remus looked questioningly at him.

"Go on, open it."

Remus peered inside and nearly tumbled the whole thing onto the floor in surprise. The bag was full of gold Galleons, more money than he'd ever seen in one place in his life. He looked at Sirius, who was opening an identical bag.

"What—James—" Remus stammered. "You can't give us this! I _told_ you—"

James merely grinned at him. "Remind me to always give you gifts when you're drunk and can't refuse them," he said.

"I'm not even that drunk anymore," Remus said, shaking his head. He sat down on the couch, feeling a bit woozy, and watched Sirius struggle to keep his bag of Galleons upright. James caught it just before it spilled to the floor. "This is a _lot_ of money, James."

"Yes, well, I've got a lot of money, and I'm going to spend it how I like," James said firmly. "That should cover your rent for a while, plus some new dress robes for Moony so he stops borrowing mine. And—" He paused and looked at Sirius, a mischievous grin spreading across his face. "It's enough for your flying motorbike, too."

Sirius's mouth dropped open and he swayed a bit on his feet. "James, I've been talking about that bike—"

"For years, I know. Just do me a favor and don't kill yourself on it, okay? Moony'd never forgive me."

" _James_." Sirius was suddenly blinking quite desperately as though he had something in his eye. He launched himself forward, pulling James into a rather uncoordinated, sloppy hug. "You're my best friend, you know that? No one'll ever get in the way. Not Evans _or_ Moony," he rambled drunkenly into James' collar. "Sorry, Moony. I love you, but James is my _brother,_ you know?"

Remus laughed. "It's quite all right, Padfoot," he said affectionately. The bag of money was heavy in his hands. It was enough to solve all of their financial problems and then some. "James, didn't you say you have a request, too?"

"Ah. Yes. Mostly for Sirius, actually. Sober up, mate, this is very important," he told Sirius. "I want you to consider this money to be a thank you gift." James paused dramatically. "For agreeing to be our baby's godfather.

"What?!" Sirius stepped back, swaying slightly as he looked James in the eyes. "Godfather? Me?"

"Absolutely. There's a war on, you know, and we don't know what might happen to any of us." He swallowed hard, suddenly quite serious. "Quite frankly, there's nobody I trust more than you. And no better role model for the newest Marauder, either."

Sirius let out a choked sob, gripping James by the shoulders. "I won't let you down, Prongs. I won't."

"I know you won't," James said. He glanced at Remus over Sirius's shoulder. "Are you in, too, Moony? You're the responsible one, after all."

"Of course," Remus said, beaming at him. He held up the bag of Galleons. "And thanks. Really. I should refuse it, but it's your wedding day, so I won't."

"Good," James said. "That was the plan." He gently pushed a tipsy, teary-eyed Sirius back toward Remus. "Now get this blubbering mess home, will you? He's very sweet, but I have someone much more beautiful waiting for me upstairs."

Remus laughed, his heart full of happiness and love for his three friends—four if you counted Lily, and he certainly did.

He took Sirius into his arms, and together, they Apparated home.


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! This has been a lot of fun (and there's still more to come!)

* * *

Remus and Sirius managed to hang on to their happiness for at least a week following James and Lily's wedding. "Let's have a honeymoon of our own," Sirius said after he'd downed the hangover potion Remus brought him in bed the morning after the wedding. Remus glanced at the calendar. There wasn't an Order meeting for another week, and the full moon wasn't until a week after that, so they had time, for once, to do absolutely nothing at all. They barely left the flat except to run out for food and butterbeer, and barely left the bedroom except to heat up the teakettle.

Only one thing interrupted their quiet week together: the arrival of a rather wild looking owl who showed up one morning while Sirius was in the shower. A scrap of paper was tied to its leg:

 _Still planning to transform with me at the next full moon? -G.B._

Remus's gut twisted. He still hadn't told Sirius that he intended to transform with other werewolves on his future missions, and he knew that the conversation would not go well. He stared at the letter. _You don't have a choice. You've got to do it,_ he told himself. _For your mission, that's all._ He heard Sirius turn the water off in the bathroom and quickly scrawled a note back to Goro Banden before he could change his mind.

 _Yes. - R.L._

Sirius came out of the shower just in time to see the barn owl fly away. He came up behind Remus and pressed a wet, noisy kiss against his neck. "Anything good?" Sirius asked.

"Just a reminder about the Order meeting next week," Remus lied."I—er—sent it back. Said we'd be there." His cheeks flushed with guilt, but Sirius didn't notice.

"Fuck the Order," Sirius said good-naturedly. "Doesn't Dumbledore know you've got more important things to do? Like make me lunch?"

Remus didn't answer. He watched the owl fly away, growing smaller and smaller in the distance. Mission or not, he had to admit that he was looking forward to transforming with the other wolf. For once in his life, he was more excited than scared.

"Moony?"

Remus tore his eyes away from the window. Sirius was leaning against the counter, shirtless, looking at him expectantly. His long dark hair was soaking wet, beads of water running down his chest. Remus felt a surge of love and affection for him. After all this time, it was still hard to believe that Sirius Black wanted him. _Loved_ him, even. "What about that lunch?" Sirius asked, raising a damp eyebrow.

"Coming right up," Remus said with a grin. He'd tell Sirius the truth about Banden later, he thought. They had more important things to do right now.

* * *

The next Order meeting started out cheerfully enough. Things had been relatively quiet for the past few weeks, and Remus and Sirius weren't the only ones who had taken a much-needed break. All of the members were eager to catch up and congratulate Lily and James on their recent nuptials, but Dumbledore wasted little time in bringing the meeting to order.

"Please, take your seats," he said calmly. His pale blue eyes were missing their usual twinkle as he surveyed the witches and wizards chattering happily around the table. "We've had a lull these past weeks, but Lord Voldemort does not rest, and we have much to discuss."

"Come now, Albus," said Elphias Doge, flashing a rare smile at James and Lily. "Can't we have a toast to the Potters?" Remus grinned at Sirius and Peter, remembering how Doge had frowned at James and Lily's youthful flirtation at their first Order meeting back at Hogwarts. So many things had changed in such a short time, and not all of them were bad.

Dumbledore shook his head. "I'm afraid not. Tonight's news is both pressing and grave, and it may directly impact the Potters." Lily and James looked up, startled, but Dumbledore continued, his eyes sweeping around the room until he had everyone's attention. "It involves a prophecy."

McGonagall snorted. "Really, Albus? A _prophecy_?" Sirius and Remus exchanged smirks. McGonagall had never hidden her derision for Divination, which was one reason why none of the Marauders had taken the class.

Dumbledore an eyebrow at Professor McGonagall. "A prophecy can change the course of history—depending, of course, on who hears it." She frowned, but said nothing. Remus suddenly realized that he knew very little about prophecies. He wasn't even sure if they were real.

"This prophecy, sir," Lily said tentatively. "What does it have to do with James and I?"

Dumbledore slid a piece of paper across the table toward Lily and James. "It will be best if you read it yourselves." He recited it from memory as they read:

 _"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies..."_

"What the hell does that mean?" Sirius asked, grabbing the paper and inspecting it more closely. " _'Born as the seventh month dies_ '—do you think—that must mean July?" He flashed a worried glance at Lily, and Peter let out a nervous, rat-like squeak, his eyes wide.

"Our baby is due in July," Lily said slowly, looking at Dumbledore. "But—hang on—" She reached across the table and took the paper from Sirius. "I suppose you could say we've defied _him_ three times."

Remus stared at her, feeling sick to his stomach. They'd been on so many missions that he knew so little about. _Born to those who have thrice defied him._ Had James and Lily really faced You-Know-Who three times? They were so young. All of them were too young for any of this.

"What about the Longbottoms?" Doge said, looking at Frank and Alice. "They've also defied You-Know-Who three times. Alice, aren't you due in July as well?" Alice nodded, her face pale.

"Oh, right, of course." Lily glanced apologetically at the Longbottoms. "Of course, it doesn't have to be us. And it's madness to assume anything about it, isn't it?" She glanced at her husband, who was as pale as Alice. "And all of this about power and—and— _Neither can live while the other survives..._ " She swallowed hard. "James? What do you think it means?"

Dumbledore held up his hand before James could answer. "We have no way to know what it truly means, or indeed, if it means anything at all," he said firmly. "What matters is how it is _interpreted_ , and more importantly, if anyone chooses to act upon what they believe it to say."

"How it's interpreted?" Remus asked, his brow furrowed. "But who gets to interpret it? Where did this even come from? Who made it?"

"All excellent questions," said Dumbledore "The identity of the person who spoke these words—spoke them to me, in fact—matters little, and will remain confidential." He paused, looking at Lily and James. "However, I was not alone the night that I heard this prophecy. Somebody was listening, unbeknownst to me, and that person has since divulged the contents of the prophecy to Lord Voldemort himself."

Lily gasped and clutched James' hand tightly. Remus's eyes widened. _Neither can live while the other survives._

"Who?" Sirius demanded. "Who heard the prophecy? And who would tell You-Know-Who—"

"It matters not," Dumbledore said firmly. "What _does_ matters is that Voldemort is aware of at least part of this prophecy. A source tells me that he believes the prophecy refers to the unborn child of James and Lily Potter, despite the fact that others may also fit this description." He glanced for a moment at the Longbottoms before returning his attention to James and Lily, who had both grown pale.

"What will You-Know-Who do?" whispered James. He looked as if he might be sick. "If he thinks that our baby will be able to stop him—he'll kill him, won't he?" Lily, so calm until now, swayed in her seat, and McGonagall reached out a hand to steady her. Everyone looked at Dumbledore.

"Yes."

* * *

Back at home, Remus shakily put on a pot of tea while Sirius paced back and forth across the kitchen. "It just doesn't make sense," he growled. "Who overheard the prophecy? Why did they tell You-Know-Who?"

Remus closed his eyes wearily."Would you please sit down? You're making me nervous." They'd been so happy just that morning. How quickly things had changed.

Sirius flopped down on the sofa, still thinking out loud. "Who's Dumbledore's source anyway? Why do they know any of this? Why does Dumbledore trust them?"

"All we can do is trust Dumbledore," Remus said quietly, setting two cups of tea down on the coffee table. "At least we know what You-Know-Who knows. We can help protect Lily and James."

"Yeah." Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus's shoulders and buried his nose in his hair. "Fuck, Moony. Why can't things be different?"

"Different how?"

"Different _better_. No war. Nobody dying. Just you and me, and the Marauders hanging out like old times, without worrying that some nutter is going to kill James' baby."

"Ah. The little things," Remus said wryly, leaning against him.

"Yeah," agreed Sirius. "You know what else bothers me about the prophecy? It says that the baby has the power to vanquish the Dark Lord, which, great. Glad somebody does. But even if the baby _lives_..." He paused and swallowed hard. "Even if it lives, is this war going to take twenty more years while we wait for the baby to grow up? Are we still going to be fighting this war when we're old men?"

"Don't think about it," said Remus sharply, his stomach sinking. "Remember what Dumbledore said. The prophecy itself doesn't mean anything. All that matters is how it's interpreted."

"Right. I guess so." Sirius tipped his head back and stared up at the ceiling. "I'm glad that this weekend is the full moon," he said at last. "It'll be nice to have a bit of a break, run round with James."

The full moon. Of course. After the excitement of the Order meeting, Remus had almost forgotten that he still hadn't told Sirius about Goro Banden. He was running out of time, and meanwhile the Marauders were all planning to come to the Shrieking Shack as usual. _Fuck,_ he thought. Last week he hadn't told Sirius about Banden because he hadn't wanted to interrupt their happiness. And now he didn't want to tell him because they were so upset about the prophecy. There would never be a good time.

"Shit, Moony, I'm sorry," Sirius said suddenly, misinterpeting Remus's silence. "I know the full moon's not a break and that it's not any fun for you. I just meant—"

Remus shook his head, feeling slightly ill. "It's not that. I mean, you're right—the full moon's not a break, not for me. But I have something else I have to tell you. It's about my mission."

He took a deep breath and told Sirius about Goro Banden's invitation to transform with him. "I know you don't approve, but I'm not making any progress with the werewolves," he finished. "Maybe this'll be a turning point."

Sirius's eyes were dark and unreadable. "When were you going to tell me about this?" he asked evenly.

"I should have told you sooner." Remus said, looking away. "I wasn't sure what to do...and I was afraid you wouldn't like it," he admitted.

"Of course I don't like it! This is fucking _madness_ , Moony," Sirius grabbed Remus's shoulders and turned him so they were facing one another. "Listen to me. You're being daft, all right? You're not going to go transform with fucking werewolves. It's too dangerous—"

" _You_ listen," said Remus, his voice shaking. "I've thought this through. I've _been_ thinking it through. It's the only way—"

"Bullshit! So what if you failed with this Banden? Move on to the next werewolf. You've got to set some boundaries, Remus. You don't have to give up who you _are_ for them."

"Who I _am_?" Frustration at Sirius rose up in his chest. "I _am_ a werewolf. And I thought that didn't bother you. You said—"

"Don't be thick. Of course I don't care if you're a werewolf. But I don't want you to risk everything just because you—you _identify_ with them now."

"This isn't about whether I identify with them!" Remus said hotly, his frustration turning to anger. "I've got to do it. They won't listen to me unless I transform with them. They don't trust me."

"So why should you trust them? Look at me." Sirius grabbed Remus by the chin, turning his face so he couldn't look away. "You're different since you started meeting with the werewolves. You're not afraid of them anymore. And that's fine, but you can't let them talk you into stuff." Sirius shook his head. "Transforming with them, are you mad? What happens if you run into Greyback or some of his lot? What if you infect someone?"

"I can take care of myself!" Remus spat, wrenching out of Sirius's grasp. "I don't tell you what to do, when you're off making contacts with Death Eaters."

"Yeah, well, I haven't joined them, have I? I talk to them, I follow them, but I set my own boundaries."

"It's not the same," Remus said, shaking his head. "You're not a Death Eater, but I _am_ a werewolf. And they're not all evil. Banden—he's all right."

"Right. Sure." Sirius flopped back on the sofa, his mouth set in a firm, grim line, and Remus knew he wasn't going to get any further with him tonight. There were some things Sirius would never understand, and perhaps others he understood too well. In any case, it didn't matter. Remus's mind was already made up.

They were still sitting together in an uneasy silence ten minutes later when the Floo flared up. They both jumped. Sirius glanced at Remus. "Are you expecting someone?"

"No," Remus said, looking at the fire. "No, but look—it's James."

Sirius rose to his feet as James materialized in the fireplace. He looked terrible. His hair was standing straight on end, worse than usual, and his eyes were swollen and red. He looked as bad as Sirius had looked the night they found out that Regulus was dead. James stumbled out of the fire and onto the carpet, and Sirius caught him by the arms.

"Prongs, shit. Are you okay?" Sirius helped James over to the sofa, brushing soot off his front. "I know it's bad news, the prophecy, but we'll figure it out, we'll—"

"It's not the prophecy," James choked out. Remus and Sirius exchanged glances, their anger about Goro Banden momentarily forgotten. "It's my mum and dad," James said at last. "They're sick. They've got Dragon Pox."

"Dragon Pox!" Remus clutched his tea cup so hard he thought it might break. _We can't handle anything else,_ he thought wildly. _Not right now._ Dragon Pox wasn't always deadly, but it could be, especially for older adults. And James' parents were getting on in age...Remus glanced at Sirius, who looked stricken.

"They'd had it for a while," James said tonelessly. "They didn't want to tell me until after the wedding, and now it's progressed so far…"

" _No_ ," Sirius said, gripping James' arm. "No, James. Don't say it."

But James was shaking his head. "I've just come from St. Mungo's. The healers think they only have a few days to live."


	24. Chapter 24

James' parents were dead before the next full moon came. The Marauders, James and Sirius especially, were numb from the shock.

"It's not right," Remus murmured to Peter, watching Sirius and James comfort one another. They'd all been at St. Mungo's for days, and the Healers had just left the hospital room to give them time alone. "The Potters—they won't get to meet their grandchild. And Sirius only just lost Regulus and his own father." Peter only nodded, his face pale. He'd been even more quiet than usual lately, Remus thought. The war was taking its toll on all of them. And on top of all of this there was the prophecy, which none of them had had time to discuss.

"There's going to be a funeral this weekend," James said quietly, looking up at him. Sirius let go of James and wordlessly crossed the room, burying his face in Remus's shoulder. Remus held him tightly, his heart breaking for his friends. "Just a small one. Remus, I know it's the full moon. I'm sorry. I need to be at the funeral and I need...I need Sirius to be there, too."

"Of course," Remus said quickly. He could feel Sirius's body tense nervously against him. They hadn't spoken of Banden since that night when James had come through the Floo. They'd put it behind them for now, to comfort James and one another. "It's okay. I'll manage."

* * *

"You're still going to do it, then? Transform with him?" Sirius asked when they crawled into bed together that night. James and Lily had finally gone home after days at St. Mungo's. In some ways, it was a relief. Lily was very pregnant and very exhausted, and Remus hoped that she and James could get some much-needed sleep.

"Yes," Remus said quietly. "It doesn't feel right to leave after all this, but I've got to transform either way. I might as well transform with Banden. It'll be better than transforming alone."

Sirius nodded in the darkness. Remus couldn't quite read him these days, couldn't tell if he was angry or tired or disappointed or numb. But then he reached out and pulled Remus toward him, wrapping his arms around Remus's narrow frame.

"Be careful, okay?" Sirius said, his voice cracking. Remus felt the tension loosen in his chest. "Please come back to me. I couldn't bear to lose you, too."

* * *

On Sunday morning, Sirius put on his best dress robes and stepped through the Floo to meet James and Lily for the funeral. Remus left at the same time, Apparating to Goro Banden's small cave in the north. He did not particularly like Apparating, but there were no roads he could take to get there, and it wasn't as though Banden could connect to the Floo network. He purposefully lived miles from any village, and Remus knew from previous visits that he was careful and methodical about maintaining his solitude and safety.

When he arrived, Banden was crouched beside a large fire in the clearing outside the cave. He stirred a simmering cauldron full of something that smelled delicious. Remus's stomach growled, and he took a deep breath, inhaling the fresh wilderness air. It was a welcome change from the close, noisy waiting room at St. Mungo's, and he felt a twinge of guilt, thinking of his friends who were only just arriving at the Potters' funeral.

"Wondered if you'd show up," Banden said good-naturedly. "Sit down and make yourself comfortable. We've got plenty of time." He ladled out two bowls of rabbit stew from the cauldron and handed Remus a battered-looking mug of the strongest coffee he'd ever tasted.

Remus watched him work. Banden was exactly the sort of man that Muggles would imagine a werewolf to be: lean, muscular, dark-haired and grizzled. Unlike most werewolves Remus had met, he was not malnourished or suffering from exhaustion. Banden was skilled enough to live off the land and make this life work. He was even rather attractive, Remus realized, attractive in a wild, masculine sort of way that was very different from Sirius's youthful good looks. _Get a grip_ , he told himself. _You're here on a mission._

"What do your wizard friends think of all this?" Banden asked, sitting down on a stump across the fire from Remus. He took a bite of his stew. "You, spending all this time with other werewolves?"

"They don't like it," Remus said honestly. He'd given up on lying to werewolves. They could usually sense it, and it never did any good anyhow. They were more likely to listen to him if he were honest about the shortcomings of the wizarding world. "It's hard for them to understand. But we're all fighting this war in our own way, and they know I'm doing what I've got to do." He hoped that part was true.

Banden considered him thoughtfully. "You've changed, since the first time you visited me. Wiser, maybe. Sadder."

Remus nodded, unsure what to say. Banden had chosen solitude, and Remus's war was about _people_. He thought about the Potters and Regulus. Lily's tired smile and James' pale face, and Peter's constant, trembling fear. He thought about Sirius's sad, worried eyes, and the desperate way they'd clutched one another when they said goodbye that morning. "It's the war," he said quietly. "We've lost many to the Dark wizards and I'm afraid that there will be more to come."

Banden shook his head. "I've never met a werewolf so invested in the lives of wizards."

"They're not all bad," Remus said. "They're confused and ignorant, even some of the good ones, but I wouldn't give them up. I'll fight for them as long as I can."

* * *

"It's time," Banden said hours later, standing to look at the sky. Night had fallen and the first hint of moonbeam shone through the trees.

Remus watched him with open curiosity. He'd transformed with the Marauders before, of course, but that was different. James, Sirius, and Peter transformed almost instantaneously, going from boy to beast in one sleek, painless moment, while Remus's bones broke and his organs rearranged themselves. The wolf erupted painfully, forcefully, from every cell in his body . Today his transformation was as painful as ever, but he could look across the clearing and see Banden undergoing the same thing. He could smell the wolf's scent in the air, stronger than before, and he felt a kinship and solidarity with this man, this werewolf, that he'd never felt with any being in his life. They were the same. They were a _pack_.

They ran together through field and forest and Remus was surprised to find that he maintained a hazy awareness of it all. He wasn't able to control the beast, but he was present and awake, as if he were drawing strength and alertness from the other wolf. Normally, Prongs and Padfoot kept the wolf under close watch, controlling his every move, but here, there was no risk of infecting anyone else, and he could run wild. It was exhilarating and freeing to throw off his inhibitions and be someone—some _thing_ —else.

In the morning, Remus awoke back in the clearing. Shivering, he looked down at his naked body in the dewy grass. No scratches, no bruises, no wounds. Only his old scars, criss-crossing his body as a reminder of transformations past. He was as exhausted as ever, but he felt sated and relieved instead of painful and ashamed.

Banden was already awake, making breakfast on the fire. "How was it?" He helped Remus to his feet and handed him a bundle of clothes. "Put these on before you freeze."

"It was brilliant," Remus said, wincing slightly as he stood. He didn't have any broken bones, but his joints were as stiff as ever. "You were right."

Banden nodded. "Next time we'll transform with the colony up north. Gain their trust, and then you can talk about your war, once the transformation's over." He paused and offered Remus a rare smile. "And I'll help."

* * *

It was some time before Remus felt strong enough to Apparate home, but he felt elated when he finally did. It had been so long since he'd had any sort of success with other wolves. He appeared in the living room with a loud Crack, startling Sirius, who was lounging on the sofa.

"Sorry," Remus said, his face flushed. "I didn't know you'd be home."

"I was waiting for you," Sirius said gruffly. He got to his feet and embraced Remus tightly, not bothering to hide his relief. "You're okay. How was it?"

"It was fine," Remus said, touched. He kissed Sirius tentatively, brushing his hair back off his face. "A success, I suppose."

"Are you hurt?" Sirius stepped back and looked Remus over. "Bruises? Broken bones?"

"No," Remus said. "Nothing like that. It was easy. Safe." He almost felt guilty that it had gone so well, and guilty that he'd actually enjoyed himself with Banden while Sirius was mourning with the Potters. "He agreed to help me with the colonies in the north."

"You'll transform with them too?" A hard edge crept into Sirius's voice.

"Yes," Remus said firmly, meeting his gaze. "But let's not talk about it now. How was the funeral?"

Sirius paused for a moment, but he let it go and allowed Remus to pull him down onto the sofa. "Awful," he said finally. "I still can't fucking believe it."

"I'm so sorry," Remus murmured. "They were your family, too."

"Yeah." Sirius rested his head on Remus's shoulder, and Remus ran a hand through his hair. "They were. It doesn't seem possible that anyone could die and not have it be related to You-Know-Who in some way, does it?"

"Life goes on, I guess, despite the war."

"Yeah." Sirius took a deep breath. "You smell like the outdoors."

Remus snorted in surprise. "I did just spend two days outside." He told Sirius about Banden's cave in the woods and how he'd woken up that morning in the cold, wet grass. He omitted the fact that Banden had seen him naked. He didn't think Sirius's tolerance for discussion would extend to Remus frolicking about with naked mountain men.

"Can't imagine," Sirius said. "I know it's stupid, but I'm jealous of you transforming with someone else. It's always been the four of us at the full moon, you know?"

So that was the problem—or part of the problem. "Not always," Remus said gently. "I had a lot of years to transform alone. I'm grateful to you and James and Peter, more than I can ever say, but it's never been fun for me."

Sirius nodded. "I know. I'm selfish, but I just want things to go back to normal. Back to the way they always were." He slowly began to unbutton Remus's shirt. "Take this off, will you? It doesn't smell like home."

Remus sighed, shivering as Sirius's fingers brushed against his skin. "I don't think things ever will go back to normal," he said, shaking his head. Sirius frowned and unbuttoned Remus's last button, pressing his face against his bare chest.

"Well I hate it," he said petulantly, and Remus laughed in spite of himself. Sirius looked up at him. "What?"

Remus shrugged. "I can think of one thing that's changed for the better," he said, and captured Sirius's mouth in a kiss. "In the old days, we didn't do this."

"That's true," Sirius said, smiling into Remus's mouth. He pushed Remus back on the sofa and crawled on top of him. He straddled Remus's hips and unzipped his pants. "Or this."

"Exactly," Remus murmured. He sucked in a breath as Sirius touched him in ways that he certainly had not when they were only friends.

It was all worth it, Remus thought as Sirius pulled him to the bedroom. He was looking forward to transforming with Banden again—he couldn't deny it—but this life with Sirius was worth all of the pain and worry and death that came with being part of the wizarding world. As appealing as Banden's solitude was, Remus had meant what he told him about the war. He'd fight for wizards—for Sirius and his friends—as long as he could.


	25. Chapter 25

July came and with it, the births of two much-anticipated babies: Neville Longbottom, born on the thirtieth, and Harry James Potter, born on the thirty-first.

"Harry?" Remus said to Sirius in bewilderment. "Rather a grown-up sounding name, isn't it?"

"He's going to be prematurely middle-aged and dull like you, with a name like that," Sirius said solemnly, but his eyes were twinkling in delight. "Harry James Potter, my godchild."

"And the newest Marauder," Remus said with a grin. "I hope he's ready to solemnly swear that he's up to no good."

The Marauders went to visit the Potters on the morning of August 2nd. Dumbledore had warned them to be exceptionally careful,, so Lily and James were already home with the baby. Madam Pomfrey had agreed to pop in on them every few days. Dumbledore had heard little more about Voldemort's plans for the prophecy, but the house in Godric's Hollow was protected by a number of spells and was being guarded by the Order twenty-four hours a day, just in case.

Lily answered the door when they arrived. Her face was lined with exhaustion, but her eyes twinkled with happiness. "I knew we couldn't keep you out of here for long," she said. "James is terribly excited to see you. You'll have to excuse us though; it's a mess in here and we haven't had much sleep."

"Who cares about James?" Sirius said, pushing through the door. "Where's my godson?"

"Hang on." Lily grinned. "I know you're excited, but we've got these bloody security measures now. Moody says we have to ask you questions before we let you in, make sure you're not imposter. I know it's dumb, but—"

"It's okay," Remus said, pulling Sirius back. "Just go ahead and ask."

"All right." Lily paused, furrowing her brow to think of a question.

"We could have Stunned you by now, you know," Sirius said, tapping his foot impatiently. "Moony could have spirited the baby away to his wolf den and—"

"Fine," Lily interrupted, as Remus scowled at Sirius. "Where did I catch you and Remus snogging in our last year at Hogwarts?"

"Broom cupboard on the fourth floor," Sirius said promptly. "Am I supposed to be embarrassed by that? Cause I'm not, I'm rather proud, actually—"

"Oh, go on in then," Lily said, waving her hand dismissively. "Remus, what did I catch you and Sirius doing on the first Hogsmeade trip of the year?"

"Holding hands at the Shrieking Shack, of course," Remus grinned. "It was a good year, wasn't it?"

"The best." She grinned and let them inside. "James is in the nursery with Harry. Peter's here too," she said, watching them take off their shoes. "You're our family now, you know," she said suddenly, looking fondly at the two of them. "We, er, haven't got anyone else."

Remus paused in surprise. "Of course we're your family," he said, giving her shoulders a squeeze. "Whether you like it or not, really."

"We always have been," Sirius said. "You'll be sorry about it once we're here all the time, corrupting your child and eating your food." He lowered his voice and glanced toward the nursery. "Is James…?"

Lily nodded. "He's okay. Happy, even." She suddenly smiled, a real, genuine smile that stretched to her eyes. "You'll see. Harry's an absolutely doll. He's made everything better already."

She showed them into the nursery, where James was seated in a rocking chair with a tiny bundle in his arms, Peter standing next to him. They were whispering in hushed voices, clearly trying not to laugh and wake the baby. They glanced up when Sirius and Remus walked in.

"Please try not to wake him up," Lily pleaded, but James was already standing, striding forward with the little bundle.

"Look at him!" he said happily. "This is Harry! And Harry, these are your uncles. Uncle Padfoot and Uncle Moony." Sirius's eyes widened as James passed Harry to him. "Don't drop him, Padfoot."

"I would never." Sirius gingerly took the bundle of blankets from James, cradling Harry's head carefully in the crook of his arm. His long hair fell down around his face, tickling Harry's cheeks. Remus thought his heart might burst at the sight.

"God, he's so small," Sirius breathed. They all stood staring down at the baby. He had chubby red cheeks and a shocking amount of dark black hair that stood up straight all over his head. Remus almost laughed. There was absolutely no doubting who Harry's father was.

"He looks like James, doesn't he?" Peter said eagerly.

"Spitting image," Remus agreed, glancing at Sirius in time to see a great tear rolled off his nose and splashed onto Harry's cheek. James grinned, and Remus slipped an arm around Sirius's waist.

"Sorry," Sirius sniffed."He's just so damn small and he does look just like you, James." He carefully wiped the tear off the baby's cheek with his thumb, and Harry's eyes blinked open, bright and green and curious.

"Look at his eyes!" Peter exclaimed.

"Lily's eyes," James said proudly.

They heard a clicking sound and turned to see Lily standing with a Muggle camera. "It's just so sweet," she said with a smile. "The five Marauders, all together. God help him—God help _me_ —if he takes after the four of you."

"Oh, he will," Sirius declared, wiping his eyes. "I'll make sure of it. Moony, you want to hold him?"

Remus nodded, smiling as Sirius handed him the little bundle. He could hear Lily snapping away with the camera behind him. The prophecy seemed almost laughable right now. It was absurd to think that You-Know-Who could fear a baby, or that Harry could somehow have _power the Dark Lord knows not._

"Hi, Harry," he whispered, holding the baby to his chest. "It's me, your Uncle Moony."

"Jesus, Moony," Sirius said, peering over his shoulder at Harry. "This is so damn adorable I can hardly stand it."

"Language, Padfoot," warned James. "You're a godfather now; start acting like it."

"I am!" Sirius protested. Harry swung a tiny fist up toward him, and they all laughed. Remus looked down at Harry's little face, the prophecy swirling unbidden through his mind.

 _Born to parents who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies...E_ _ither must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives..._

The prophecy had to be bogus, Remus decided, watching Harry clutch at Sirius's finger.

It just had to be.


	26. Chapter 26

Remus walked wearily up the stairs at Hogwarts toward Dumbledore's office. He ought to hurry, he thought miserably, but he was utterly exhausted. He had just emerged from three weeks with a werewolf colony in Ireland, and it was his fourth multi-week journey in as many full moons. This mission had not exactly been a resounding success—the colony remained hopelessly aligned with Greyback—but he'd learned some unsettling information which he wanted to tell Dumbledore as soon as possible. It was already growing late and Remus picked up his pace, hoping he'd be able to find the Headmaster in his office.

Though he was anxious to see Dumbledore, his hurry had more to do with Sirius than anything else. Sirius was upset enough that Remus was gone on such a long mission, and Remus was supposed to have returned two days ago. He'd been unable to send an owl to Sirius, and he knew that there'd be a row when he returned.

But then again, there was always a row these days, Remus thought with a sigh. Ten months had passed since Harry's birth, months full of frustration and anger and restlessness, with the Order scarcely having made any progress at all. In fact, lately it seemed as if they were moving backward more than anything else.

Remus paused at the top of the staircase near Dumbledore's office to catch his breath, realizing that he had not yet fully recovered from the full moon. Suddenly, something large and black slammed into him, and he flailed, nearly falling down the stairs. He reached out to grab something, anything to keep himself upright, and realized he had grabbed hold of the arm of a tall man wearing all black, who had been running down the hall toward Dumbledore's office.

"Watch it," the man muttered, wrenching his arm free of Remus's grasp.

"Sorry," said Remus, looking up. He was surprised to see Severus Snape's face glaring down at him. He hadn't seen Snape since graduation. His sallow face was even more pinched and unpleasant-looking than usual, and he was breathing heavily as though he'd run all the way to Hogwarts. He seemed as surprised to seem Remus as Remus was to see him.

"What are you doing here?" Remus said in surprise. He expected Snape to tell him to mind his own business, but Snape said nothing, his eyes darting about nervously. They began walking together in the direction of Dumbledore's office. Snape walked quickly, and Remus struggled to keep up.

"I'm going to see Dumbledore," Snape said after a moment, wetting his thin lips nervously. "It's urgent, so if that's where you're going, you'll need to wait till I'm done."

Remus sighed. "You can go in first." A few extra minutes wouldn't make a difference in whether or not Sirius bit his head off when he got home, and he wasn't about to fight with Snape now.

"Listen, Lupin," Snape said after a moment. "Have you—" He paused uncomfortably, as though he wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to ask. "I mean—do you—"

"What?" Remus said curiously.

"I was wondering if you'd seen—" Snape shook his head. "Look, never mind. It's not important."

They reached the stone gargoyle outside Dumbledore's office. It creaked open as though Dumbledore were expecting them, and Remus followed Snape up the circular staircase the top of the stairs, Snape turned to Remus with a pained expression on his face, one that Remus had seen before, back at Hogwarts. He suddenly understood what Snape had wanted to ask.

"She's all right," he said quietly. "Lily's all right. She's happy and safe. At least as much as any of us can be."

Snape nodded, his hand on Dumbledore's office door. "Thanks," he said, and disappeared inside.

* * *

It was nearly a half hour later when Remus was finally admitted into Dumbledore's office. Snape pushed passed him and disappeared down the hallway without saying a word, his eyes red and swollen. Remus stared after him curiously until Dumbledore appeared in the doorway.

"Remus, please do come in," Dumbledore said. He glanced after Snape, his brow creased with concern.

"Sir, what—"

Dumbledore shook his head. "Severus's confidences are as confidential as your own," he said firmly.

Remus nodded, embarrassed. "Of course, sir."

Dumbledore sat down at his desk and gestured for Remus to sit across from him. "Now, I understand you have a report for me?"

Remus nodded. "Yes, sir. The colony I met with this month is loyal to Greyback, but they were willing to speak with me so long as I was with Banden."

"And what they had to tell you was of interest?"

Remus nodded. "You-Know-Who has promised Greyback that the Ministry will fall before the year is out." He paused, but Dumbledore did not comment. "That's not all, though. Greyback says that when that happens, he'll have a position at the Ministry and werewolves will be integrated into wizarding society. He says that they—that _we_ —will be elevated above Muggleborns and half-breeds." He said all of this very quickly, only looking up at the very end.

Dumbledore did not look surprised at any of this.

"Before the year's end," he repeated thoughtfully. "No more specific information that that?"

"No," Remus said. "Do you think it's likely, sir?" It was May. There'd been unrest in the Ministry all year, so much so that the Minister of Magic had been replaced with Millicent Bagnold, a candidate many hoped would take a harder line against Death Eater activity. So far, there was little indication that this would happen.

"I believe that Voldemort thinks—or hopes—it likely," said Dumbledore. "And it is an interesting proposition for many of your contacts, I'm sure, that of werewolves being integrated into wizarding society."

Remus's stomach flipped, and he wondered if Dumbledore were really asking what he, Remus, thought of the proposition. He had had a similar conversation with Banden that morning.

"What if this Dark Lord really does give the werewolves everything Greyback says he will?" Banden had asked after they left the colony.

"He won't," Remus had said confidently. He'd told the other werewolves as much that morning. "Either Greyback's lying or You-Know-Who's lying. Werewolves will never be the equals of wizards, at least not if You-Know-Who's in power." Or ever, Remus thought grimly. "Death Eaters hate half-breeds as much as they hate Muggleborns."

"But what if they weren't lying?" Banden pressed. "What if your You-Know-Who really did give werewolves what they want?" He paused, and looked at Remus in much the same way that Dumbledore was looking at him now. "Would you take the offer?"

A shiver had gone down Remus's spine. Would he trade the rights of Muggleborns for the rights of werewolves? That was the real question, wasn't it? Banden raised his eyebrows at Remus's pause. "No," he said quickly. "I wouldn't."

But Remus didn't tell Dumbledore any of this. "Yes," he said instead. "But a lot of werewolves don't trust You-Know-Who any more than they trust any other wizard."

"Indeed." Dumbledore stood, and Remus knew he was being dismissed. "It has been an illuminating evening, and the Order has much to discuss in addition to what you've told me tonight," he said as Remus scrambled into his coat. "I'll be calling a meeting tomorrow. Could you spread the word to Sirius, Peter, and the Potters?"

Remus nodded. A thought suddenly occurred to him. "Sir, the other information—does it have to do with Snape's meeting with you tonight?" The question came out before he could stop himself.

Dumbledore shook his head and showed Remus to the door. "As I told you earlier, that conversation is between Severus and myself."

* * *

It was after dark when Remus finally returned home. Sirius was already asleep, splayed out across the mattress, and Remus was somewhat relieved to find him in bed. He was much less likely to pick a fight when Remus returned at night than he was during the day.

"Sirius," Remus whispered, gently shifting him to the other side of the bed. Sirius opened his eyes sleepily and pulled Remus against him.

"You're home," he murmured, kissing Remus's neck. His breath smelled like firewhiskey, and Remus wondered if he'd been visiting James or drinking alone. Both were likely, but the latter had become more and more common in recent months. At least Sirius was an affectionate drunk, Remus thought miserably. In the morning, Remus knew they'd have a big fight about his absence, but tonight, they held each other until they both fell asleep.

* * *

Remus was putting on a pot of tea when Sirius finally emerged the next morning, looking groggy and a little hungover. He padded into the kitchen in his bare feet and pajama bottoms, and took in the sight of Remus making breakfast with narrowed eyes.

"Good morning," Remus said tentatively. Sirius glared at him, and Remus braced himself for the worst.

"You were gone for three weeks," Sirius said loudly. "You were supposed to be home days ago." Remus didn't say anything. Their fights always followed the same script. This was the part where Sirius vented and Remus waited patiently for him to finish. "What are you _doing_ with those fucking werewolves, Remus?"

"You know what I'm doing," Remus said tonelessly. "We—"

" _We_ ," Sirius snarled. "You mean you and Banden." Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius's dislike for the werewolf he'd never met had escalated to hatred in the past few months.

" _Yes_ , me and Banden—had to stay longer than I expected. I had no way to send an owl. You know that, Sirius. I'm sorry, but that's just the way this is." He handed Sirius a cup of tea, and Sirius grudgingly accepted it, as Remus knew he would.

"It's not right," Sirius insisted. "You know, while you're out there with werewolves, Gideon and Frank and Marlene and I are tailing Death Eaters? James and Lily are confined to their house? And Elphias Doge and old McGonagall stopped a nasty bit of Muggle-baiting in Diagon Alley just last week."

Remus stared at him in surprise, a surge of anger forming in his chest. This bit of the fight was new, and its implications made his blood boil. "Are you kidding me?" he said incredulously. "What are you saying, Sirius? That my work's not good enough? Or is it that you think I'm out there having fun while everyone else is working?" Sirius didn't say anything. "Last I heard, it's been weeks since anyone's had a truly successful mission. Anyone but me. So you can take your fucking judgment and shove it."

"Yeah, well, it's not right," Sirius snapped. "Everything's gone to shit here, and you're out there for weeks on end and I don't know if you've run into Fenrir Greyback or what. You could die out there and I wouldn't even know what happened. All to do what? Talk with some werewolves?"

They glared at one another, breathing heavily. "You want to know what I talk about with werewolves?" Remus said at last. "You want to know what I did on my good-for-nothing mission? I found out that You-Know-Who's going to overthrow the Ministry by the end of the year, and Greyback's telling werewolves they'll be able to integrate into society."

Sirius barked out a harsh laugh. "So you're out there with werewolves plotting to take down the Ministry? You really think that's going to happen, Moony?"

Remus stared at him, blood pounding in his ears. He slammed his tea cup down so hard that Sirius took a step back in surprise. "What the _hell_ , Sirius? You really think I'm falling for Greyback's bullshit? Of course not. But I think—and Dumbledore does too—that You-Know-Who really believes the Ministry will fall." He paused, remembering. "We, er, have an Order meeting this afternoon, by the way." He took a deep breath to steady himself. Sirius was usually the one who lost his temper, not Remus

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, watching Remus nervously. "Fine, then. I'm sorry. I—I don't really think you'd fall for Greyback's shit. I just hate thinking of you out there with _them_. We'll just have to see what the Order thinks." Remus didn't respond, and Sirius bit his lip and looked him up and down. "You look all right, at least," he said awkwardly. "The full moon went all right? You're not hurt?"

"No," Remus said. A wave of relief washed over him. If Sirius was asking about Remus's well-being it meant they'd reached the end of the fight. Sirius would let it go, at least for a while. Until next time. He shook off his anger and stepped back into the script. He took Sirius's tea cup out of his hands and pressed a kiss to his mouth even though he wasn't sure he wanted to. "No," he said again. "I'm not hurt." He wasn't sure if it was good or bad that they were able to move in and out of anger so easily, but he'd take it while he could.

"We have a few free hours until the meeting," Remus said quietly, and Sirius rested his head on his shoulder. "Let's try to forget all this and spend it doing something nice."

* * *

Remus and Sirius Apparated to Godric's Hollow for the meeting later that afternoon. Most meetings were held there lately; the Potters were in confinement thanks to the prophecy, and Dumbledore had the house under round-the-clock protection. Sirius spent the majority of his free time at the house when Remus was away, playing with baby Harry and trying to cheer up a restless, irritated James.

"Maybe I'll come back later with the bike," Sirius said as they walked up the sidewalk toward the house. He had finally purchased his flying motorbike shortly after Harry's birth. "Take James for a spin and get him out of the house."

"Good idea," Remus nodded. "I can stay with Lily and Harry. Maybe Peter will come too." He realized with a pang that he hadn't seen Peter in well over a month.

Sirius suddenly reached for Remus's hand and gave it a squeeze. "I'm sorry about what I said before," he said fervently. "If Harry's going to develop some sort of superpower to defeat You-Know-Who, I hope it happens soon. I don't know how much more of this any of us can take." Remus didn't say anything, but he gripped Sirius's fingers tightly in return as they went inside.

The rest of the Order was seated around the table in the kitchen. They looked as tired and frustrated as Remus felt, with the exception of Harry, who was seated on Lily's lap. He gurgled happily at Sirius from across the table. The Longbottom's baby, Neville, was sleeping peacefully in Frank's arms. Remus envied him; he felt as though he could sleep for several weeks if given the chance.

Remus gave an abbreviated version of his report first, leaving out the specifics about werewolves. Most of the Order did not know the true nature of his work. The news about the Ministry's potential fall was not surprising to Frank and Marlene, both of whom still held Ministry positions.

"I wish I could say I was surprised," Marlene said with a shrug. "Morale's been at an all-time low ever since we replaced the old Minister of Magic. They hoped Bagnold would be more effective at stopping the Death Eaters, but she hasn't made much more progress than the last one."

"How do we know _she's_ not a Death Eater herself?" Sirius demanded. He pulled a face at Harry, who giggled and clapped his pudgy hands, oblivious to the grim faces around him.

"We don't," said Marlene grimly. "But how do we know anyone's not a Death Eater? We've made absolutely no progress on that lately. In the Order either, for that matter."

"Paranoia's skyrocketing at the Ministry," said Frank, shifting Neville carefully in his arms. "No way to know who might be under the Imperius Curse or who might be hiding the Dark Mark under their sleeves." A shiver went around the table, and Peter shrank back in his seat, glancing around nervously. Remus tried to give him a reassuring smile.

Gideon Prewett furrowed his brow. "You know, if that's the case at the Ministry, it could be the case in the Order, too."

"What do you mean?" asked Dorcas Meadows with a laugh. "Are you saying someone here could be a Death Eater? That's ridiculous. We've been together for years now. Everyone here's contributed. Everyone."

There was a murmur of agreement, and even Peter nodded. "Nobody here would be a spy," he said in a quavering voice.

"I don't know," James said slowly, looking at Gideon. "Our last three missions were absolute duds, weren't they? Like the Death Eaters knew were coming. We were sure Avery and Mulciber would be at Gringotts two weeks ago and when we got there, nothing. Then the break-in happened the following week."

"A spy in the Order?" Remus said incredulously. "I can't believe it." He glanced around the table and was surprised to see Sirius looking at him with a strange expression on his face. "What?"

Sirius looked away from him. "I dunno. We need more information," he said firmly. "We're operating on rumors. Like this thing about the Ministry falling. All we know about that is what we've heard from were—from Remus's contacts." His ears turned red at the near slip. "We need some real information from people we can trust."

Remus felt a surge of irritation. "How? We're all operating on rumors," he said. "Not just me."

"Indeed," said Dumbledore. "A few missteps does not mean that there is a spy in our midst, but we need to use discretion. Keep your eyes and ears open and be cautious."

They all nodded, and Dumbledore turned his attention to Lily and James. "And that brings me to our next order of business. I've had a report—which I believe to be more than just a rumor—that Voldemort intends to act upon his fears about the prophecy."

A collective gasp went around the table, and Lily clutched Harry tightly. Peter looked up at Dumbledore in surprise, his face white.

Remus thought instantly of Snape. Is this what he had told Dumbledore last night? Remus looked at Lily, and a cold feeling swept over him. Snape was a Death Eater—there was no doubt in his mind about that—but if he knew Voldemort was going to harm Lily's child, he might very well go running to Dumbledore with the news.

James moved his coffee mug out of reach of Harry's flailing arms and looked nervously at Dumbledore. "What do you mean, You-Know-Who's going to _act_?"

"Voldemort believes Harry to be a threat—perhaps the only real threat—to his progress. He intends to eliminate that threat. My source believes he will act within the next few months."

"Fuck!" Sirius swore loudly, staring across the table at the Potters. Harry stopped babbling and looked at his godfather in surprise, his chubby face wrinkling up as though he might cry.

"Sorry, sorry," Sirius said quickly, giving the baby a half-hearted smile. "It's okay, Harry. Uncle Padfoot's just a bit...unsettled." He took out his wand and transfigured his biscuit into a bright red ball. Remus rolled it across the table to Harry, who giggled and grabbed it in delight.

Dumbledore nodded. "It is indeed unsettling," he said. "Which is why I would like to increase the protections on this house," he said, looking at the Potters.

"Increase the protections!" James said incredulously. "We're already under constant protection here. Harry almost never leaves the house. It's not good for him. It's not good for any of us."

"He is alive," Dumbledore said firmly. "And I will do everything in my power to keep him alive." James looked away, and Dumbledore continued. "Now, I suggest that we place this house under the Fidelius charm, which will ensure that nobody can share the location of this house except for one person, who will be the designated Secret-Keeper."

"Who will that be?" Lily asked. "One of us?"

"I suggest a third party. Someone you trust implicitly."

"It should be Sirius," James said at once. "I don't trust anyone more than Sirius."

Sirius's ears reddened, but he nodded. "I'll do it. I'll do whatever I can."

"Very well," said Dumbledore. "There's no need to decide today, of course. It will take me some time to prepare the necessary supplies for the Fidelius charm, and my source does not believe that Voldemort will act for a few months yet. Harry is still a baby, after all, and Voldemort is preoccupied with what's been going on at the Ministry. We have a bit of time."

"And you trust this source?" Remus asked suddenly, looking at Dumbledore. Dumbledore looked back at him carefully; he knew they were both thinking of what Remus had asked last night. _Does this have to do with Snape's meeting with you?_

"I do," Dumbledore said simply. "I have every reason to trust that this person is telling the truth."

The meeting ended soon afterward. Nobody was in the mood for idle chatter, and they all had work to do before the next meeting.

"I'm going to come back tonight with the motorbike," Sirius told James. "You want to go for a ride?"

"God, yes," James said at once. "Get me out of here."

"I'll come along and visit with you and Harry, if that's all right," Remus told Lily.

"Please do," she said, beaming at him. "Harry misses his Uncle Moony."

"Wormtail, you want to come too?" Remus said. He glanced around for the fourth Marauder, but didn't see him anywhere. Peter had already left.


	27. Chapter 27

Very little had changed by the time Harry's first birthday arrived in late July. The Order had not made much more progress on any of their missions, and while the Ministry had not yet fallen, it seemed more and more likely that it could with each passing month.

There was not yet any sign that You-Know-Who was going to act on his fears about the prophesy, and the Potters' home was now secured under the Fidelius charm with Sirius as Secret Keeper, as Dumbledore had advised. Lily and James rarely left home and had few visitors. Not even Sirius, Remus, and Peter had attended Harry's first birthday party, much to Sirius's dismay. He mailed Harry an expensive toy broomstick, and moped about the flat for days.

Not that moping was anything new, as far as Remus could tell. Sirius had always been quick to anger and prone to mood swings, but lately he was more sullen and distant than ever, especially with Remus. They put on a good front for James whenever they could see him, but it was getting more and more difficult to recover from their arguments. At night, they still reached for one another in despair or desperate desire, but in the daytime, Sirius eyed Remus with something almost like suspicion, and they barely spoke at all.

* * *

In mid-August, Remus returned home from the full moon to find Sirius sitting alone in the living room, his head in his hands. Remus's stomach sank.

"What is it?" he said, stumbling in over the hearth. "What's happened?" _Not James and Lily_ , he thought fervently. _Not Harry._

"It's Marlene," Sirius said hoarsely without looking up. Remus felt bile rise up in his throat, and he closed his eyes, willing the wave of nausea to pass. "I've been waiting for you to get back so I could tell you."

"What do you mean?" Remus whispered. "Not...dead?" Marlene's face flashed through his mind, the laughing blonde girl who was always by Lily's side at Hogwarts, who had dated Sirius and then Peter, who had joined the Order and spied for them at the Ministry, risking everything for the cause. Marlene, who wasn't a Marauder but who had always been there, a dependable, constant presence in their lives.

"Yes," Sirius said dully. "Her whole family, killed by Death Eaters. We don't know why. We might never know." He finally looked up at Remus, his dark eyes empty and dry. He'd done his crying already, and Remus had missed it. "It was a week ago. You weren't here."

"My god, Sirius. I'm so sorry." Remus sat down heavily next to Sirius and tentatively took his hand, but Sirius pulled away.

"Yeah. Me too," he said shortly. "Look, Remus, I don't want to talk, all right? I'm going out."

He grabbed his jacket and left, and seconds later, Remus heard him start up his motorbike and take off down the street. Remus leaned back on the sofa and closed his eyes. His joints were still sore from his transformation, and his head pounded. Marlene was dead. Had someone found out that she was a member of the Order?

He lay there with his eyes closed for some time. Sirius hadn't asked how his mission had gone or if he was safe, he realized after a while. They hadn't even had their fight.

* * *

Marlene's death, the Order discovered, was to be the first of many throughout the end of summer and fall. The deaths came one right after another, as though someone had handed the Death Eaters a list of all of the Order members, their addresses, missions, and plans.

The Bones family was murdered in their homes; Edgar, his wife, and all of their children. Five Death Eaters showed up at the Prewett's home and killed both Fabian and Gideon, but left alive any family member who was not part of the Order. Dorcas Meadows was killed in battle at the Ministry of Magic by Voldemort himself, in a mission that should have been a secret. Benjy Fenwick's body was mutilated such that they were barely sure it was him, and Caradoc Dearborn had disappeared completely. They could only hope that he had run away and had not met the same end as the rest.

* * *

"There's got to be a spy!" Frank Longbottom slammed his fist down on the table, his face red and angry. Remus exchanged a nervous glance with Peter, who looked even more terrified than usual. "How else did they find out about Dorcas's mission? How did they find out about any of this?"

"We'll never know will we?" Sirius said with a grimace, looking at Dumbledore. "They're tossing Death Eaters into Azkaban without trials now, so we can't even get any information from them. How're we supposed to know who's the spy?"

"You spend an awful lot of time hob-nobbing with Death Eaters," Elphias Doge said, looking at Sirius. "How can we know it's not you? Family history speaks for itself."

"You take that back!" said James, getting angrily to his feet. "Sirius would _never_ —"

"James, sit down," Lily said sternly. "You're scaring the babies." Harry and Neville, playing quietly on the living room floor, were staring up at him in alarm. Harry's big green eyes welled with tears.

"It's all right, Harry," James said quickly, bending to pick him up. He settled Harry onto his hip, murmuring soothing words into the toddler's ear. Remus watched him for a moment. He'd thought they were idiots to have a child—he still thought so, as a matter of fact—but there was no denying that James was an excellent father. Harry was lucky to have him.

"Elphias, please," Dumbledore said calmly. "If we make judgments based on family history, we are no different from the Death Eaters."

"Then what about Lupin?" Doge said curtly. Remus looked up with a start. "We don't even know where he goes on his missions."

"It's not Remus," Lily said hotly, and Remus shot her a grateful look.

"You two can't do that," said Sirius, shaking his head at James and Lily. "You can't defend us just because we're your friends. It could be anyone. Any of us could be the spy!"

"Oh, please," Lily said. "You don't think it's Remus, either, do you?" Remus glanced nervously at Sirius, who met his eyes for only a moment before looking away.

"I don't know," he said helplessly. "I don't know what to think about anyone anymore."

* * *

Remus expected Sirius to shut himself in the bedroom or disappear to the Three Broomsticks like usual when they arrived home, but instead, he joined Remus in the living room for the first time in weeks. He sat down on the sofa and looked expectantly at him.

"What?" Remus said warily, setting down the book he'd just picked up.

"You were awfully quiet at the meeting," Sirius said, narrowing his eyes. "I want to know what you have to say about it."

"You mean about the spy?" Remus sighed. "We don't even know for sure that there is one, do we? I mean—"

"There's _got_ to be a spy!" Sirius's vehemence startled Remus. "How many of our missions have been thwarted in the past few months? You don't really think that all those deaths were a coincidence, do you?"

"We don't know if that was because of their missions. Marlene was a high profile target, with her work at the Ministry, and the Gideons could have been followed home—"

"You seem to know a lot about it," Sirius spat.

Remus glared at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Sirius's dark eyes glittered dangerously. "Tell me the truth, Remus. Are you the spy?"

Remus reeled as if he'd been slapped. "What?" He'd known Sirius didn't trust the other werewolves, but this—this was too far.

"I asked if you're the spy," Sirius repeated.

"How could you think that?" Remus said incredulously. "Is that why you've been avoiding me? You think I'm a spy? You know what I've been doing for the Order. Why would I do that if—"

"I don't know what you do with those werewolves," Sirius interrupted, his dark eyes flashing. "I don't know what happens when you...when you smell their wolf scent, or whatever. You've been transforming with them every month, for Christ's sake, and there's a part of you that likes it, I can tell—"

"I'm a werewolf, Sirius!" Remus shouted, incredulous. "I can't help what happens to me when I transform, but that doesn't mean I'm a fucking Death Eater! I'm for Dumbledore, I'm for the Order, I'm for _you_ , and if you can't see it, then so help me, I don't know what else I can do."

Sirius eyed him coldly. "Fine. If you really were the spy, of course you wouldn't tell me. You'd go off and meet with Banden, or Greyback, and you'd—"

"Fuck you," Remus spat. "I don't need to listen to this." He turned and went back to their bedroom, slamming the door behind him. A few minutes later, he heard the familiar roar of the motorbike taking off down the street.

* * *

He didn't get out of bed until he heard the fireplace flare up a few hours later with the sound of someone coming through the Floo. It was Lily. Surprised, he let her through.

"Hey," she said, stepping carefully into the living room. "I thought you could use some company. Don't tell Dumbledore I left the house, all right?"

Remus nodded gratefully. "Sirius is at your place, isn't he?" She nodded, and he sighed. "He thinks I'm the spy."

"I know." She sat down on the sofa beside Remus. "He told us. He's worried and upset, but I'm sure he'll come around."

"I'm worried and upset too," Remus said irritably.

"If it helps, I don't think you're the spy," said Lily. "I don't know who it is, but I know it's not you."

It did help, but it wasn't enough. "Does James think I'm the spy?" he asked, and Lily looked away without answering. Remus nodded sadly. "Right."

"It's just so bloody frustrating," she said, putting her face in her hands. "Someone's giving information to the Death Eaters, but who could it be? All those missions, utterly trashed. And then there's Marlene and Dorcas and the rest—" She let out a choked sob and Remus wrapped his arms around her, tears leaking from both of their eyes.

"I didn't even know about all of those missions," Remus said finally. "How could I be the spy? I don't even make it to every Order meeting because of the full moon. And for Sirius and James to think that I could do that to Marlene and the others...They were my friends, too, you know."

"I know," Lily said fiercely. "I _know_. I've told James and Sirius all of that, but they're so worked up that they suspect half the Order. Nobody's rational anymore, Remus. I'm afraid that this is going to get worse before it gets better."

Remus Summoned a handkerchief and handed on to her. "I don't see how it could get any worse than this."

* * *

The full moon came several days later, and Remus was scheduled to meet Banden for a mission in the north. Before he left, he swallowed his pride and went to say goodbye to Sirius. They hadn't spoken since their fight after the Order meeting, but he'd never left without saying goodbye before, and he wasn't about to start now. He found Sirius outside, working on his motorbike.

"Leaving again?" Sirius said without looking up at him.

"Yeah. I'll be back in a week," he said quietly, his heart heavy. He hesitated, watching Sirius work. "I love you, you know. Do you believe me?"

Sirius bit his lip and nodded with a quick jerk of his head.

"But you don't trust me," Remus couldn't keep the hard, pained edge from his voice. "You still think I'm the spy."

"I don't know," Sirius said, looking away. "I don't know what to think."

Remus sighed. "Fine." He turned to leave, but Sirius suddenly grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back.

"Don't go, Remus," he pleaded softly. Remus stared at him in surprise. "If you're really not the spy, then stay with me. We might—we might not have much time left." His voice was pained. "Any of us could be next."

Remus took a deep, steadying breath. They'd always tried to operate as though the time they had right now was all the time they'd ever have. It would be easy to stay, to pry open this crack in Sirius's hardened exterior, to forget about Banden and Greyback and the Death Eaters just for a little while. But he couldn't put everything aside just because Sirius was afraid.

"We'll talk when I get back," he said quietly. He bent down and kissed Sirius once on the lips, and then he Disapparated quickly, before Sirius could convince him to stay.


	28. Chapter 28

One week later, Remus emerged from a northern werewolf colony with Goro Banden. They hadn't made any new strides this month, but it hadn't been a bad full moon all the same. Sirius was right about one thing: Remus did enjoy transforming with other wolves, and especially with a pack. The transformation was still painful, and he was exhausted as ever after the full moon, but it was somewhat of a relief to have a few hours of complete freedom every full moon and become someone other than Remus Lupin. He took a deep breath of fresh air and followed Banden out of the woods to the road. He planned to walk to the nearest town, connect with the Floo network, and head for home.

"You want to stay with me for a few days?" Banden said. "Plan our next move? I hear Greyback's going to be abroad for a while, might be a good time to revisit some of his known sympathizers."

Remus shook his head. "I've got to get back," he said, frowning at the thought of his last conversation with Sirius. He hoped that they could pick up where they left off when he got home.

Banden looked curiously at him. "Trouble at home?"

Remus shrugged. "Something like that." Banden knew little about his life, and he liked it that way. He squinted into the distance and was surprised to see a figure coming toward them. "Do you see that?"

Banden nodded. "A wizard, looks like. Wearing robes like you've got." He glanced sideways at Remus. "You've got your, uh, wand?"

"Yeah." Remus slipped his hand into his pocket and gripped it tightly. Despite Banden's disgust for all things involving wizards, Remus had noticed that he was always quick to suggest that Remus use wand his when danger arose. The figure came closer and closer, until Remus was able to recognize him.

"Shit." He relaxed his grip on his wand, but a very different type of fear was settling in his stomach. "It's Albus Dumbledore."

"Leader of your Order? What's he doing here?"

Remus grimaced. "Nothing good." They watched Dumbledore approach. Perhaps it was the shock of seeing Dumbledore outside of his normal environment, but Remus was struck by Dumbledore's aged appearance. For the first time, the Headmaster truly looked old, his face lined with exhaustion as though he hadn't slept in days.

"Professor," Remus said tentatively. "What are you doing here?"

"Remus." Dumbledore did not answer his question, and he did not waste time with formalities. "Have you spoken to anyone since you left home a week ago?" he asked urgently, his eyes were fixed on Remus's face.

Remus frowned. "Just Banden," he said, gesturing toward his companion. Banden and Dumbledore nodded cordially to one another in an absurd convergence of the two spheres of Remus's life. "And a few other werewolves."

"And have you read any newspapers? Listened to the radio?"

"No, sir," said Remus, perplexed at the question. Banden looked sharply at him and Remus avoided his gaze; he knew the other werewolf would not approve of him calling any wizard 'sir.' Remus could feel his heart thumping loudly in his chest. There was no good reason for Dumbledore to be here in the forest so far from Hogwarts, none at all. "What are you doing here?" he repeated. "What's the matter?"

"Not here," Dumbledore said firmly. "Come with me. Can you Apparate?"

Remus shook his head. "Not without help, not so soon after the full moon." Dumbledore nodded and extended his arm. Remus took it.

Banden looked from Dumbledore to Remus. "Lupin, are you going to be all right with him?" he asked, eyeing Dumbledore suspiciously.

Remus nodded. "I'll be in touch."

He tightened his grip on Dumbledore's arm, and together, they Apparated away. When Remus opened his eyes, he was surprised to see that Dumbledore had brought him to his own living room.

"Sir, what's going on?" Remus asked. He noticed Sirius's cloak, still hanging by the front door.

"Sirius?" he called, but there was no answer. He looked nervously at Dumbledore. "What's going on? Where's Sirius?"

"Sirius is not here," Dumbledore said shortly. "Please, Remus, sit down."

Remus sat. "It's Sirius, isn't it? Something's happened to him, hasn't it?"

Dumbledore closed his eyes for a long moment, and Remus thought he might explode with impatience. Again, he was struck by Dumbledore's advanced age and the exhaustion lining his face. _Will we still be fighting this war when we're old men?_ Sirius had asked once. Remus already felt about as old as Dumbledore looked.

"Sir—"

"I have much to tell you," Dumbledore said at last, opening his eyes and looking at Remus. "So much, that I am not sure where to begin. The first thing that you should know is that the war is over. Voldemort is dead." There was no jubilation, no relief in his voice. "Voldemort is dead," he repeated.

Remus looked up, aghast. He'd been imagining any number of things Dumbledore could tell him, but this possibility had not crossed his mind. The war was over. They were free. But the pressure on his chest did not ease.

"Dead? The war is over? But then—where is Sirius? James and Lily?"

Dumbledore looked sadly at Remus over his half-moon spectacles. "The end of the war has come at a greater cost than we could have imagined. Lily and James Potter are dead."

Remus inhaled so quickly that he almost choked on his breath. "No," he said, shaking his head. "They can't be. The war's over, you said—you said the war is _over_ , Dumbledore." His voice rose sharply. "James and Lily can't be dead _._ I saw them at the Order meeting, I saw Lily afterward, they were fine, they were _alive_." As the words tumbled out of his mouth, he thought of Sirius, and his heart broke. Sirius had already lost so much. He couldn't lose James, too.

But where _was_ Sirius?

"I am very sorry, Remus. James and Lily were killed in the moments before the war ended. I will explain, when you are ready."

The words rang hollow, unbelievable, in Remus's ears. "That's impossible," he heard himself say. "They were hidden— the Fidelius charm—Sirius was their Secret Keeper. He wouldn't—" Remus's voice trailed off.

Dumbledore sighed. "So we thought. Sirius was arrested last night."

" _Arrested_?" Remus stared at Dumbledore in disbelief. "Sirius didn't—he wouldn't—Are you saying that _Sirius_ is the spy?" Remus wanted to laugh, but there was no laughter in Dumbledore's eyes. And as incomprehensible as it was, there was no alternative, none that Remus could imagine. _Any of us could be next,_ Sirius had told him a week ago. _We might not have much time left._

Dumbledore shook his head. "On October 31st, Voldemort went to Godric's Hollow to act, as we suspected he would, on the information he had heard in the prophecy. The Secret had already been broken at that time. Voldemort could see the Potters' home, and he entered it."

"No," Remus breathed. It was unbelieveable. It couldn't be true. And yet, if it was, only one person could have broken the Fidelius Charm. Only one person was the Secret Keeper.

"Inside Voldemort killed Lily and James with the _Avada Kedavra_ curse." Dumbledore's voice was heavy; Remus had the impression that he had told this story many times in the past few days; to Hogwarts teachers, to Aurors, to other members of the Order, all during the full moon, while Remus was away.

"And...Harry?" Remus felt a pang of guilt for not thinking of the boy sooner.

"Incredibly, Harry lived," Dumbledore said, and Remus exhaled heavily. "The curse intended to kill him backfired and struck Voldemort instead."

Remus stared at him. "That's impossible," he said for the second time that night.

"Indeed," said Dumbledore. "And yet it is the truth. There are a number of theories as to why this happened, but to most people, Voldemort is dead, and that is all that matters."

Remus lowered his head into his hands. It was too much; it was all too much. "Tell me about Sirius," he choked out. "I know he was the Secret Keeper, but he wouldn't—he couldn't—He thought I was the spy, for God's sake."

"A clever ruse, perhaps," Dumbledore said, looking sadly at Remus. "I am sorry, Remus, but there is still more. After Lily and James' bodies were found, it appears that Peter Pettigrew tracked Sirius down. He was angry, and he was very brave, but he was no match for Sirius."

"No," Remus breathed. "Not Peter too."

"There was an explosion in the street, which the Ministry believes was caused by Sirius in an attempt to escape the scene. Peter was killed, as were twelve Muggles. Sirius was apprehended. Aurors came here and searched your home for any clues, though I don't believe they found any. I am sorry, Remus. Terribly sorry."

Remus looked away, more to avoid the pity in Dumbledore's eyes than anything else. He noticed for the first time that cupboard doors were thrown open and the room was in utter disarray. Yesterday, he would have felt utterly violated to know that anyone, least of all Aurors, had come in here and picked through the careful intimacy of his life with Sirius, but today, he felt only numb.

"There must be some mistake," he said, shaking his head. "When is the trial?"

Dumbledore sighed, and for the first time that night, his voice took on a hard, angry edge. "There will be no trial, Remus. As you know, the Ministry has waived the right to a trial for anyone suspected of Dark activity. Sirius is already en route to Azkaban."

"Azkaban!" Remus stared at Dumbledore in horror. "I've only be gone for a week. This only happened a couple days ago. How could he already be in Azkaban? We've got to _do_ something."

Dumbledore shook his head. "I tried, Remus. Believe me, I tried. I asked if I could question him myself, but my request was denied. The Ministry felt that the evidence—the Fidelius charm, Peter's death, the twelve Muggles, combined with Sirius's family history—spoke for itself. And perhaps they are right..."

"Can't Frank Longbottom do something? Maybe he can intervene, or do something. _Anything_."

Remus was astonished to see a tear trickle down the headmaster's wrinkled cheek. "Remus, Frank Longbottom—"

"No," Remus said, his head throbbing. "Not Frank too." But Dumbledore was still talking.

"Yesterday, in the wake of Voldemort's fall, there was a flurry of Death Eater activity. The Longbottoms—Frank and Alice both—were tortured to insanity with the Cruciatus Curse. They are not expected to recover."

The room began to swim, and Remus closed his eyes tightly. After a few moments, Dumbledore spoke again.

"Remus, you should know that the rest of the country is celebrating," he said gently. Remus nodded mutely. "You don't have to stay here if you don't want to," Dumbledore continued. "You can stay at Hogwarts, or if you have a friend to stay with, I can contact them for you—"

Remus opened his eyes. "No," he said bitterly. "There was only Peter and James and Sirius," he said, his voice cracking at the last name. "They're all I've ever had."

Dumbledore nodded, his pale blue eyes damp with sadness. They sat silently together. Remus blinked a few times, but his own tears didn't come. He knew that they would eventually, and when they did, there would be no James to make him laugh, no Peter to provide quiet support, and perhaps worst of all, no Sirius to reach for him, to tell him to stop worrying, to remind him to focus on the now. Remus was alone.

The war was over, and Remus was alone.


	29. Part Four: Twelve Years Later

**Twelve Years Later**

Remus Lupin had not had a visitor to his small cottage in several years. It wasn't as though he didn't have friends, or at least acquaintances, but he did not invite them to his home. He preferred it that way; it was easier. Sometimes, he went down to the village to have a drink at the bar, and now and then he transformed with a few werewolves that he'd met during the war. But aside from that, he spent most of his time alone.

Twelve years had passed since the war had ended. He'd written Sirius a few letters at first, letters that he did not send. He'd gone to the funerals: James and Lily and Peter's, the latter a closed casket because there was no body to bury. He'd visited Frank and Alice at St. Mungo's, and was almost relieved when they did not recognize him. Then he packed up the flat in Hogsmeade, moved to this derelict little cottage, and spent the next twelve years doing odd jobs for little pay.

Remus Lupin had very nearly become the sort of reclusive, solitary werewolf he'd marked on his map during the war, all those years ago

He was surprised, then, to hear a knock at the door on a Saturday afternoon in early June, and even more surprised to find Albus Dumbledore standing on his doorstep, accompanied by a petite woman with bright purple hair.

He took a step backward in surprise. "Professor Dumbledore? What are you doing here?" He noticed that the woman was wearing Auror's robes, and he felt his stomach sink. "What is this?"

"Now, Remus, is that any way to greet an old friend?" Dumbledore said cheerfully. Remus didn't say anything; he'd thought of Dumbledore any number of ways over the years, but rarely, if ever, as a friend. "May we come in?"

Remus wordlessly stepped aside and allowed the headmaster and the young Auror to pass through his door. Something was wrong; something was always wrong when Dumbledore showed up unannounced. But the Hogwarts headmaster entered Remus's home as though it hadn't been over a decade since they'd last seen each other. He and the Auror sat on the creaky old sofa in Remus's living room, sinking down nearly to the floor.

The Auror was glancing about the room with interest, which irritated Remus. There wasn't any judgment in her face, but he didn't like to think how the shabby surroundings must appear to she and Dumbledore. There wasn't much more work for a werewolf now than there was twelve years ago, and he didn't have James around anymore to toss him bags of Galleons and pay his bills. _Don't think about James_ , Remus scolded himself.

He pulled up a hardback chair and sat facing the two visitors on the sofa. "To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?" he said carefully, forcing himself to look at them. The Auror's purple hair suited her, he noticed. She wasn't exactly pretty, but there was something rather interesting about her appearance that he couldn't quite pinpoint.

"I'm a Metamorphagus," she said, catching him looking at her. His ears reddened. "It means I can change my appearance—"

"I know what a Metamorphagus is," he said, a bit more rudely than he'd intended.

"Right. Well, my name is Nymphadora Tonks, Mr. Lupin. I'm an Auror with the Ministry of Magic. Auror in training, actually. Professor Dumbledore agreed to accompany me here. The Ministry is a bit short-handed at the moment." She paused for a breath. "You can call me Tonks, if you like."

Remus furrowed his brow. He knew that name. "Tonks," he repeated out loud, then immediately wished he hadn't. The name had something to do with the Blacks, he thought, but he couldn't quite remember what.

She nodded. "Yes. Daughter of Andromeda Tonks, whom you might know through our mutual, er, acquaintance. My mother is, well, she's Sirius Black's cousin."

Before Tonks was done speaking, Remus had leapt to his feet, nearly knocking over his chair in the process. He turned away from Tonks' surprised eyes and walked over to the window, forcing himself to take a few long, slow, practiced breaths.

He hadn't heard Sirius's name uttered out loud in years. Andromeda was the cousin who'd been disowned from the family for marrying a Muggle, he remembered now. Her daughter didn't look anything like Sirius or any of the Blacks, but then again, she was a Metamorphagus and an Auror, and it probably wouldn't work in her favor to bear resemblance to a family of known Dark wizards and mass murderers. He wondered if she knew of his true relationship with Sirius Black. It was probably in his file at the Ministry, he thought grimly. They'd searched the flat back then, after all.

He didn't turn back toward them until he had regained his composure. "Why are you here?" he said curtly. Tonks glanced at Dumbledore and sat up as straight as she could on Remus's sagging sofa.

"I'm here to inform you that Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban."

* * *

The Auror—Tonks—had come to do more than just inform Remus of Sirius's escape. She was there to search the house, too. Remus sat quietly with Dumbledore in the living room, his head pounding, while this young woman rummaged through his things.

It was supposed to be impossible to escape from Azkaban, and yet, after all this time, Sirius had managed it. Remus focused on wondering how Sirius had done it, which was safer than allowing himself to think about anything else about Sirius. Like the fact that he could be anywhere by now, or that he could show up in Remus's living room if he liked, or that he'd betrayed Lily and James and murdered Peter. _Don't think about Peter. Don't think about James. Do_ not _think about Sirius._

Something else was bothering him, too: the fact that he was the only living person who knew that Sirius was an Animagus and could transform into a dog. He hadn't told the Aurors this twelve years ago; it hadn't seemed to matter much when Sirius was already locked away. But now Sirius was on the run and nobody but Remus knew that he had the ultimate disguise.

He'd opened his mouth to tell Tonks half a dozen times, but each time, the words caught in his throat. He'd have to explain so much. So many rules broken at Hogwarts. So many people, put in so much danger, all so Remus could have companions at his transformations. And, after all Dumbledore had done for him, so much broken trust.

 _I'll tell Dumbledore later,_ Remus promised himself. _Once I've had a chance to think it through._

He could hear Tonks rummaging around in his bedroom. "She's not going to find anything," he told Dumbledore. "Do they think I've collaborated with him, is that it? Helped him escape?"

"I don't believe so," said Dumbledore mildly. "She's merely follow Ministry protocol. Sirius's last address before his imprisonment—"

"Was with me," Remus finished irritably. Dumbledore nodded, and a moment later, they heard a small crash, followed by the sound of a woman swearing.

"That'll be the bedside lamp," Remus muttered. "Do they let just anyone become an Auror nowadays?"

Dumbledore chuckled. "Auror Tonks is quite bright, though perhaps a bit...uncoordinated. She was a Hufflepuff," he added conversationally.

Remus shrugged, though he found himself begrudgingly interested in this information. He'd thought Sirius was the only member of the Black family who hadn't been in Slytherin House, though in retrospect, maybe he should have been. He closed his eyes. _Don't think about Sirius._

A few moments later, Tonks emerged from Remus's bedroom, nearly tripping over the rug in the hallway in her haste. He was surprised to find himself stifling a smile. She was hardly the picture of Ministry decorum, and it was somewhat endearing, or it would be if it wasn't his home she was tearing apart.

"I apologize for the intrusion, Mr. Lupin," she said, recovering from her stumble. "Nothing seems to be out of order, well at least not because of you. I, er, I may have broken your bedside lamp, but it's fixed now, or at least I think it is…"

"Don't worry about it," Remus said shortly. "It's not as though anything here has any value. Is that all then?"

"Yes, of course," said Tonks quickly. "And I can assure you that the Ministry is fully dedicated to locating Mr. Black and, ah..." She paused, thinking. "...to ensuring the safety of the wizarding community."

"I'm sure." Remus needed Tonks and Dumbledore to leave so he could regain his composure and return to his careful practice of never thinking about Sirius Black. He imagined that it would be far more difficult now that Sirius could walk through his door at any moment and ask Remus to put on a pot of tea. Or murder him, one or the other. _Don't think about Sirius._

A moment later, Tonks waved and Disapparated with a loud Crack, but Dumbledore remained, much to Remus's dismay. "I have a favor to ask of you, Remus," he said, returning to the sagging sofa.

Remus heaved an audible sigh. Of course he did. "Not werewolves again, sir?"

"Perhaps even worse," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling. "Remus, would you be interested in teaching at Hogwarts? I find myself in need of a Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher. We seem to be going through them rather quickly these days…"

Remus stared at him. After all this time, Dumbledore could still manage to surprise him. "I'm not a teacher, sir."

"Perhaps not through formal education or experience, but I have no doubt that you would do excellent work at Hogwarts. Your training with the Order has prepared you well for the field, and you have a unique...perspective...which I believe would be particularly valuable in a Defense teacher."

Remus snorted. _Then where were you twelve years ago when I needed a job, old man?_ "Does your Board of Directors know that you're thinking of hiring a werewolf?"

"I don't see that they would need to know," said Dumbledore delicately. "Not if we take the necessary precautions."

"The Shrieking Shack?" A wave of nausea passed over Remus. It was enough to make him want to turn down the job. He hadn't transformed at the Shack in over twelve years, not since— _Don't think about Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs._

"No, no, not the Shrieking Shack," said Dumbledore. "I expect you've heard of the Wolfsbane Potion, Remus?"

Remus looked up quickly. "Of course I have," he said. "I've been hearing about it my whole life."

Every werewolf knew about the Wolfsbane Potion, even those who shunned wizarding society. The potion had been in development for decades. It was a purported remedy for lycanthropy, something that would make transformations safe and painless. Remus had given up on it long ago, but in the last year he'd heard rumors that it was finally available for the right price. A single dose of the potion could make a grown werewolf sleep peacefully through the full moon, posing no danger to himself or others. It was both difficult to brew and exorbitantly expensive. Remus had laughed about it with the others at his last transformation. Nobody who needed such a potion would be able to afford it, not in this world.

Dumbledore was watching him as though reading his thoughts. "If you teach at Hogwarts this year, the Wolfsbane Potion will be available to you every month. Consider it part of your compensation for taking the job."

Remus laughed out loud. "You're joking."

"I assure you that I am not."

"It's unaffordable," said Remus, shaking his head. "You'd need someone to brew it, someone with exceptional skill who wouldn't ask questions, or who already knows I'm a were—" Remus sucked in a breath, remembering who Dumbledore had hired as Potions Master after the war. He sighed. "It's Snape, isn't it? You'll make Snape brew it for me."

"You're as astute as ever, Remus," said Dumbledore pleasantly. "Severus has already agreed."

Remus grimaced. He could only imagine how that conversation had gone. But Snape or no Snape, Dumbledore knew he couldn't turn this down. Especially not after seeing the way Remus lived. Teaching at Hogwarts would mean facing everything he'd spent the last twelve years trying to forget, but it would also mean a steady paycheck and three meals a day.

He had one more question for Dumbledore. "Does this job offer have something to do with Sirius Black?" A voice in his head urged him, once again, to tell Dumbledore that Sirius was an Animagus, but he pushed it aside.

"Would it bother you if it did?" Dumbledore asked. "I do believe you will make an excellent teacher, Remus. But you also know Sirius Black better than anyone else does." Remus snorted at this, but Dumbledore pretended not to notice. "The Ministry believes that Sirius may seek out Harry Potter in an act of revenge. I'm not sure I agree, but there it is, all the same. I'd like you to be there, to keep an eye on him and to advise me, if need be."

"Harry," Remus repeated, swallowing hard. _Don't think about Harry._ "He'll be a third year now, won't he? I'll...I'll have him in class?"

Dumbledore nodded, finally getting to his feet. "Yes." He suddenly smiled widely, his blue eyes twinkling. "And I think you'll find him extremely reminiscent of James."


	30. Chapter 30

A/N: Some of the dialogue in the next few chapters is taken directly from Prisoner of Azkaban.

Thank you so much for continuing to read and review! I never thought this story would reach 30 chapters (and there's still more to come!)

* * *

Remus boarded the Hogwarts Express and tossed his case onto the luggage rack above his head. The case was twelve years old, a foolish purchase made with the last of his money from James, back when he was trying to pack up the flat in Hogsmeade and pull his life together again after everything fell apart. It was shabby and ragged now, like everything Remus owned, but he'd been too ashamed to ask Dumbledore for an advance on his paycheck so he could buy some nicer things.

Remus was filled with anxiety at the thought of not only seeing the castle again, but living there, full time. He'd almost owled Dumbledore several times that summer to back out of their agreement, but in the end, he'd shown up at King's Cross anyway, wondering what James and Sirius would say if they knew he'd become a Hogwarts professor. They'd kick him out of the Marauders for sure, he thought, surprising himself with a tired smile.

He settled into his seat and hoped he he would fall asleep quickly. It wasn't customary for a Hogwarts professor to take the train to the castle, but Dumbledore had suggested it and Remus was in no position to argue. The full moon had ended just yesterday, and he was far too exhausted for any other means of travel. The Hogwarts Express hadn't changed a bit, and every sight, from the trolley car to the worn old seats, dripped with nostalgia, but Remus was too tired to register much of it at all. He closed his eyes tightly and drifted off to sleep before the train had even left the station.

* * *

When Remus finally awoke several hours later, he could hear the sounds of disgruntled children arguing around him. He sighed; his compartment was no longer empty. As he blinked his eyes open, however, he realized that the train had stopped and all the lights were out. They were in almost complete darkness, and Remus couldn't remembering anything like this ever happening during all his trips on the Hogwarts Express. He couldn't see much at all, except the dark figures of the children jostling one another in the compartment, which suddenly felt very small.

"Not here!" said a frustrated voice. "I'm here!"

"Ouch!" whined another.

"Quiet!" Remus said hoarsely, and all of them ceased talking immediately. There was some benefit to being a professor, he thought wryly—even one as thin and shabby as Remus could apparently garner some respect. He conjured a light and peered carefully about the compartment. The faces of two girls and three boys looked back at him expectantly. They were third or fourth years, from the looks of them.

The light was dim, but one of the boys, he noticed with a jolt of surprise, had messy dark hair and bright green eyes that Remus would recognize anywhere. He waited for the feelings of guilt and grief to settle in his stomach, but he was surprised to find only only a pleasant warmth in his chest at the sight of this boy who looked just like James.

But now wasn't the time to be getting sentimental. He was a professor, after all, and the students were expecting him to do something. He shook his head and looked away from Harry Potter's frightened face.

"Stay where you are," he told them, getting carefully to his feet. It wouldn't hurt to see if the conductor knew what was going on.

But the compartment door slid open before Remus could reach it, and a tall, grey, hooded figure entered the compartment. Though they couldn't see its face, it was obvious that this thing wasn't human, which made it all the more terrifying and out of place here on the Hogwarts Express. One of the children gasped loudly, and Remus took a deep, shuddering breath. He'd never seen a being like this before, but he knew immediately that it was a dementor, one of the terrible creatures that guarded Azkaban.

Dumbledore had warned that there'd be dementors at Hogwarts this year in search of Sirius Black, but Remus had not expected to see one on the Hogwarts Express. He turned to warn the children to stay back, to steel themselves against what was about to happen, but before he could speak, the Dementor was taking a deep, rattling breath that sent shivers down Remus's spine.

The compartment was suddenly ice cold, but it was not the sort of cold that could be avoided by putting on a sweater. The chill spread throughout Remus's entire body and turned to despondency in his chest. He felt as though he'd just woken from a particularly terrible dream, or perhaps fallen into one, because he could hear and see things in his mind that he'd spent a lifetime trying to forget.

He saw his mother, bursting through the door of his childhood room, and the wolf crouched above him, ready to bite. He heard his mother's terrible scream. _Remus!_ He saw his father's face looming over his hospital bed at St. Mungo's, lip curled in disgust. _Hogwarts will never take you. You're not even human._

He saw Dumbledore's tired, lined face, telling him a great many terrible things. _Lily and James are dead...I am terribly sorry, Remus._

The visions felt so real, and yet Remus was still in the train car. He could hear the students fidgeting uncomfortably behind him, and a soft thud sounded as though someone had fallen to the floor. All the warmth was gone from the room now. What was Dumbledore playing at, exposing these children to such horrors? _Get it together_ , Remus told himself sternly. _Are you the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher or not?_

He'd never seen a dementor before in real life, but he'd spent more than enough time practicing defenses against them during the war. He lifted a shaking hand to cast a Patronus Charm and searched about for a happy memory to fuel it. During the war, he'd still _had_ happy memories, but now he couldn't find any at all. Sirius's face replaced Dumbledore's in his mind. "No," Remus murmured. "Please, not you." Sirius was so young, crouched next to his motorbike in the garage at their flat in Hogsmeade. He looked up at Remus with pleading eyes. _Stay with me, Remus, if you're not the spy….We might not have much time left._

But Remus was well-practiced in pushing Sirius's face out of his mind. He latched on to the feeling of warmth that had filled his chest at the sight of Harry Potter only moments before. Harry, who looked so like James. He thought of the Potters' wedding, James and Lily clasping their hands together on a night when they were all still happy, before there was any talk of prophecies or spies. He allowed himself to think of Sirius whirling him out onto the dance floor, a wide, unihibited smile lighting up his handsome, boyish face.

Remus's arm steadied, and he pointed his wand at the dementor. " _Expecto Patronum."_

And then, at last, it was gone.

* * *

Remus felt a pang of guilt when he turned around and saw Harry lying on the floor with his friends crouched around him. Of course the boy had fainted, Remus thought grimly. James Potters' son had horrors in his past that he probably hadn't even remembered until the dementor took its ragged breath. Harry's worst memories would have been unimaginable to James at this age.

By the time Harry had come to, the lights were back on and the train was moving again. The boy's friends helped him into his seat, the children chattering nervously to one another. One of the boys had a round, worried face that looked vaguely familiar to Remus, but he couldn't quite place it. He watched them all for a moment before he remembered the large slab of chocolate in his case.

When Harry had been unconscious, he'd looked exactly like James, right down to the glasses and wild black hair. Now, however, he found himself looking into the green eyes of Lily Evans once again. He remembered the night when he, Sirius and Peter met Harry for the first time; that little fluff of dark hair on top of his head and their delighted surprise when he opened his eyes. Remus wanted to say a great many things to this young man. _Harry, it's me. It's your Uncle Moony. Harry, I'm so sorry. Harry, you look just like James._

"Here," he said instead, handing Harry a large piece of chocolate. "Eat it. It'll help."


	31. Chapter 31

A/N: Some dialogue from this chapter is taken directly from Prisoner of Azkaban

* * *

Remus had been dreading his arrival at Hogwarts, expecting it to be haunted (figuratively, of course) by the ghosts of the Marauders. But despite the rocky start he'd had on the train, he found that this was not the case at all. He certainly heard James and Sirius's voices in his mind, but if anything, they merely teased him for enjoying teaching so very much. Remus found very quickly that he not only enjoyed teaching, but was quite good at it. He liked devising lesson plans for the students and anticipating what would most engage them, and he liked seeing their wonder and excitement at their own success.

He tried not to play favorites the way _some_ professors did, but he found himself looking forward to his Gryffindor classes most of all, especially the third years. At first, he'd had a jolt of surprise each time he saw Harry sitting in his classroom, eating in the Great Hall, flying on the Quidditch field, or any of the places where James used to be. It didn't help that Harry was so like James: kind and impulsive, with a temper that flared up at inopportune moments. Once he got used to the shock, however, Remus found Harry's penchant for troublemaking rather funny. Professor McGonagall, on the other hand, was exasperated.

"Of course, I'd never tell Severus this, but Potter really _is_ very like James," she confided in him one afternoon in the staff room. Remus blinked at her, as surprised as ever at the pleasant camaraderie that had sprung up between them. He often had to remind himself that they were equals now. She was not going to take away house points or put him in detention.

"There's the sneaking about after hours, aided with the invisibility cloak, of course, just like James. Then there's the books that go missing from the Restricted Section, and the illicit potion brewing, which they think I know nothing about." McGonagall held up the fingers on one hand, ticking off these transgressions one by one. "Last year, Potter and Weasley missed the Hogwarts Express and showed up at the castle in a flying car. And then there's this summer, when Potter literally _blew up his aunt_ and ran away on the Knight Bus. _"_

Remus gave a snort of laughter. "James would be proud of that. He never had much good to say of Petunia's in-laws."

McGonagall sighed, but her eyes were twinkling rather like Dumbledore's. "I'd hoped that Miss Granger would be a calming influence on him, but no luck so far. Of course, I'd once hoped that _you_ would be a positive influence on James and the others. But if anything, the opposite seemed to occur...They quite corrupted you, Remus."

She was smiling now, and Remus grinned back at her, surprised at himself. Somehow, he'd made it through an entire conversation about James and Harry without his insides twisting with grief and regret. He'd even found it enjoyable. "I'm very sorry, Professor," he said with mock solemnity. "I'll try to do better by Harry."

They were both laughing when Dumbledore approached them a moment later. "Harry will be fortunate to have you as a mentor," he told Remus. "And to have you keeping an eye on him, as we discussed. I've spoken with Fudge about the dementors, but he insists that they stay at Hogwarts."

"Of course, sir," Remus said, his smile fading slightly. He might be able to joke about James and even sometimes Sirius, but for Harry, Sirius's escape must mean something else entirely. "It must be difficult for Harry. What does he think about Sirius Black? I mean—he must be angry? Frightened?"

Dumbledore and McGonagall exchanged a glance. "Potter is frightened, perhaps, but not angry," said McGonagall. "Remus, he has not been told about Sirius Black's relationship to James, or Peter Pettigrew. He doesn't know about the Fidelius charm." She looked at Remus apologetically. "To Potter, Sirius Black is nothing more than a dangerous criminal and Death Eater."

Remus stared at her. "You mean Harry doesn't _know_?" he said incredulously. "Harry doesn't know _anything_ about James and Sirius? Or Peter?" _Or me?_

"No," Dumbledore said, shaking his head. "To know that his father was betrayed by his best friend, his own godfather, may well be more than the boy can handle. You saw how the dementors affected him on the train. He is like James, Remus—brave, but naive—and if he knew the truth of Sirius's betrayal, he might risk great personal danger to seek him out."

Remus bristled at this. Did Dumbledore really think James was naive to have trusted his friends? "Respectfully, sir, I do not think that truth should be held from Harry based on assumptions—or because he is _brave_."

 _Truth._ Remus's voice almost caught on the word. This would have been an excellent time to explain to Dumbledore that Sirius was an unregistered Animagus, and to make sure that the staff knew about all of the secret passageways into and out of the castle. _So much for Gryffindor bravery,_ Remus thought, as he left the staff room without saying a word.

It wasn't that Remus wanted to help or even protect Sirius. He was only protecting himself.

The longer he waited, the more difficult telling the truth became. He didn't tell the truth then, and he didn't tell it later, either, not even when Sirius was thought to have broken into the castle for the first time, or the second—though Remus could console himself that both times, Harry was left curiously unharmed.

* * *

Despite what Dumbledore and McGonagall said (and what Snape would loudly proclaim to anyone who would listen), Harry was not completely like his father. He did not seek attention the way James had done in his earlier Hogwarts years, and there wasn't a trace of arrogance in his young face. He was certainly a bit of a troublemaker, but he never poked fun at other students except a few Slytherins who, Remus privately thought, usually deserved it.

Unlike his father, Harry appeared to crave normalcy and affection more than anything else, and in that part of him, Remus saw himself.

Harry began to stop by Remus's office for tea and even asked for extra lessons in defending himself against the dementors, whose presence at Hogwarts continued to give the boy problems. And while Remus longed to tell Harry the truth about James, it was rather nice to know that they could become friends of their own accord and not just because he was Uncle Moony, or Harry's father's best friend.

Of course, it was nearly impossible to discuss the dementors without discussing the reason they were at Hogwarts in the first place: Sirius Black. Remus had admitted to Harry that he knew Sirius, and that he knew James, but he kept his word to Dumbledore and did not say anything further than that.

"He deserves it," Harry said one day, when Remus allowed the discussion about Sirius to go further than he had before. Harry was referring to the Dementor's Kiss, the horrific fate that awaited Sirius if he were caught. Remus's skin crawled every time he thought of it, every time he laid awake in bed wondering where Sirius was at that moment. To have one's soul sucked out by a dementor was a fate worse than death.

"You think so?" said Remus, trying to keep his voice light. "Do you really think anyone deserves that?"

"Yes," Harry said, sounding quite sure. "For...for some things…" Remus eyed Harry carefully; what did the boy think he knew about Black? What could inspire such loathing aside from the truth? Harry did not elaborate, and Remus quietly took a sip of his tea.

By now, Sirius had become three distinct people in Remus's memory. There was a mischievous, laughing boy at Hogwarts, loyal to his friends and desperate to rebel against his family. There was a handsome young lover in the flat in Hogsmeade, pressing a kiss to Remus's collarbone, an arm slipped around his waist. And there was also a stone-faced man at meetings of the Order of the Phoenix, full of secrets and accusations, capable of the worst sort of betrayal.

Somehow, all of these men were Sirius, and Remus wasn't sure that any of them deserved the Dementor's Kiss.

* * *

While friendship came easily to Remus and Harry, the opposite was as true as it had ever been for he and Snape. Snape brewed the Wolfsbane Potion for Remus every month without fail, but it was exceedingly clear that his level of loathing for Remus had only increased over time. Remus could put up with this for himself, but what he couldn't tolerate was the way Snape treated some of the students, particularly the Gryffindors.

Remus had quickly learned that the nervous, round-faced boy from the train was Neville Longbottom, the son of Alice and Frank Longbottom, who had never recovered from the effects of the Cruciatus Curse all those years ago, and were still confined to St. Mungo's. Neville had been raised by his grandmother.

He seemed like a rather sensitive child, kind but not particularly talented, and he was utterly terrified of Snape. This was both understandable and laughable to Remus. As much as Snape swooped about like an intimidating, overgrown bat now, it was hard for Remus to see him as anything other than the whiny, jealous little boy he'd been back at Hogwarts.

"Severus, don't you think you're a bit hard on the Longbottom boy?" Remus asked tentatively one evening when Snape stopped by to deliver the Wolfsbane Potion. "And perhaps Harry Potter as well?" he added, not wanting to single Neville out.

Snape's lip curled. "Worried about Potter and Longbottom, are you, Lupin? How sweet."

Remus sighed. "They're children, Severus, and they could do with a bit of compassion. They've been through quite a bit for as young as they are." This should go without saying, he wanted to add.

"That's quite a statement, coming from you," Snape sneered, looking pointedly at the goblet of Wolfsbane potion in Remus's hand. "If you truly cared about Potter and Longbottom, you'd leave this school immediately, Lupin. Why Dumbledore would hire Sirius Black's _werewolf lover_ is beyond me."

Remus sucked in a breath and nearly flipped the smoking goblet into Snape's sallow face. "Dumbledore trusts me, and that should be good enough for you," he said through gritted teeth. "What I don't understand is why he'd trust _you_." He knew he should stop himself, but he couldn't. "Tell me, Severus. Did you really rat out You-Know-Who just to save Lily Evans' life? Because if you did, I'd think you'd be nicer to her son."

It was a guess based solely on that long-ago meeting in Dumbledore's office, but it must have been a good one because Snape clenched his fists, his dark, sunken eyes flashing with rage. Remus clutched the goblet of Wolfsbane tightly in one hand and slammed the door in Snape's face with the other.

His hands were shaking. He took a deep breath, and downed the foul-smelling potion in two gulps before he dropped it.

He had to be more careful that this. Snape wasn't just his colleague; he was also Remus's only path to the potion. Without it, he'd be relegated to the Shrieking Shack, or worse, out of a job.

Each month, Remus was astounded by the potion's effectiveness. It rendered the transformation itself painless, and sedated the wolf so he slept through the entire night. And though Remus could hear Goro Banden's voice berating him that the potion was just another way for wizards to try and control wolves, he couldn't help but wonder what his life might have been like if he'd had the Wolfsbane potion from the beginning.

* * *

Remus did his best to avoid angering Snape for the rest of the year. For the most part, this meant avoiding him altogether, as well as avoiding mention of Sirius Black (which Remus generally preferred to do anyway). When they did meet at the head table in Great Hall, in the staff room, or for Snape's monthly delivery of the Wolfsbane potion, Remus was distant but polite, and Snape was equally cordial, if cold. Remus suspected that his comment about Lily Evans had hit a nerve.

But from what Remus heard, Snape was still exceedingly harsh with both Neville and Harry, among other Gryffindor students. While his hatred for Harry was not justifiable, it was at least understandable given Snape's history with James and Lily. His cruelty toward Neville Longbottom was something else altogether, and Remus found it intolerable.

One afternoon about a month after his confrontation with Snape, Remus brought his third year Gryffindor students into the staff room, which held a wardrobe infested with a boggart, a creature that took the shape a person's greatest fear. He noticed with some irritation that the staffroom was also infested with Snape. Thankfully, he got up to leave as soon as Remus and the students entered, though not without taking a parting shot at the students.

"Possibly no one's warned you, Lupin, but this class contains Neville Longbottom. I would advise you not to trust him with anything difficult. Not unless Miss Granger is hissing instructions in his ear."

Remus saw Harry glare at Snape, and quickly jumped in before James' son could say something he'd regret later. "I was hoping that Neville would assist me with the first stage of the operation, and I am sure he will perform it admirably," Remus said calmly, and Snape swept out of the room with one final sneer.

His blood boiling, Remus turned back to the class and quickly began introducing the lesson.

"So the first question we must ask ourselves is, what _is_ a boggart?" He wanted Neville to go first with the boggart, Remus thought, and to do well of his own accord, especially after what the greasy old git had said about him.

"Right, Neville," he said once they'd gotten the introductory material out of the way. "First things first: What would you say is the thing that frightens you most in the world?"

Neville looked utterly terrified. "Professor Snape," he whispered almost inaudibly. The class roared with laughter, but Remus merely looked at Neville's round face. It was as much like Alice's face as Harry's was like James'. And then Remus had an idea.

"Neville, I believe you live with your grandmother...I wonder, could you tell us what sort of clothes your grandmother usually wears?" The students looked blankly at one another, but Neville willingly described his grandmother's clothing, including, with some encouragement from Remus, her large red handbag.

 _Don't do it,_ Remus told himself sternly as he listened to Neville speak. _Do_ not _do what Sirius and James would do. You are a Hogwarts Professor._ But it already felt quite out of his hands. _I_ _'m a Marauder before a professor, and that's a fact,_ he thought, thinking of what James had said when he'd become Head Boy.

Remus stifled a grin. "Everyone ready?"

When the boggart emerged from the wardrobe, it took the shape of Snape right away. To Remus's credit, he did not laugh, even when Neville shouted " _Riddikulus_!" and the boggart stumbled across the room, dressed in a lacy green dress, red handbag, and an obscenely ugly hat topped with a stuffed vulture. Neville's face was flushed with excitement and pride, and he even laughed when the boggart-Snape dressed as his grandmother appeared for a second time. All of the students did quite well, though nothing topped Neville defeating Snape. Remus grinned broadly at them all at the end of class.

"Excellent! Excellent, Neville. Well done, everyone...Let me see...five points to Gryffindor for every person to tackle the boggart—ten for Neville because he did it twice."

The students left the room, their eyes alight with excitement, and Remus gathered up his things. He felt as delighted as he used to when he, James, Sirius, and Peter had gotten away with a particularly complicated prank.

Snape would be angry when he heard about Neville's boggart, but the Marauders—and Frank and Alice, Remus was sure—would have been exceedingly proud of them all.


	32. Chapter 32

A/N: Some dialogue in this chapter is taken directly from Prisoner of Azkaban.

* * *

More than once since his return to Hogwarts, Remus had missed the absence of the Marauders' Map. Nowadays, he wouldn't use it for pranks (well, probably not, anyway), but it would have been nice to be able to keep an eye on Snape or to have a heads up when Dumbledore might be approaching his office. And when Sirius broke into the castle, Remus longed to check the map for proof, to see the little dot labeled with his name, though he wasn't sure what he would do with that information if he had it.

But the map was long gone, confiscated by Filch in Marauders' seventh year, and he was not about to ask for it back now. He wondered if it was still around, gathering dust in Filch's office, or—Remus felt a wave of dismay at the thought—if Filch had pitched it to make room for the confiscated items of future generations.

Near the end of the school year, Remus was relaxing in his office when he heard the sound of the Floo flaring up. To his surprise, Snape's head appeared in his fireplace.

"Lupin!" he snarled. "I want a word!"

This was most unusual; Snape had avoided Remus as much as possible after the boggart incident. Against his better judgment, Remus followed Snape through the fire and into his office. He was not entirely surprised to see Harry there as well, looking both sheepish and perplexed. Remus brushed ash off his robes.

"You called, Severus?" he said, trying to keep his face neutral.

"I certainly did," said Snape, looking as though he might burst with rage. He pointed to a scrap of parchment that was lying on his desk. "I have just asked Potter to empty his pockets. He was carrying _this_."

At first glance, it was only a piece of parchment. But then Remus saw the shining ink scrawled across it:

 _Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business._

 _Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git._

 _Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor._

 _Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball._

Remus very nearly laughed aloud, but clamped his mouth shut at the last second. He glanced at Harry; how on earth had he obtained the Marauders Map? Nothing would have delighted James more than to know that his son not only had the map, but was using it to terrorize Snape. Remus wanted to seize and inspect it; he was thrilled that the magic had held up over all this time.

Snape, his dark eye's focused suspiciously on Remus's face, was saying something about the parchment being full of Dark Magic, though he obviously knew something of the truth about the map and its makers. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs had hardly been as secretive as they should have been about their nicknames at Hogwarts, and the insults themselves certainly called the Marauders to mind. Remus scanned the text again and stifled a grin. Mr. Padfoot certainly _would_ have been astonished that old Snivellus had become a professor.

Remus turned his attention back to Snape. "Full of Dark Magic?" he asked. "Do you really think so, Severus? It looks to me as though it is merely a piece of parchment that insults anybody who reads it. Childish, but surely not dangerous? I imagine Harry got it from a joke shop."

Remus's heart was pounding, and he had to remind himself that he was not the one who was in trouble.

As he spoke, he had begun to realize the full implications of what it meant for Harry to have the map. Remus, it seemed, was not the only one who was keeping secrets about how Sirius Black had been able to sneak into the castle. Remus wasn't sure what to do. The only thing he did know was that it was not a conversation to have in front of Snape.

He was as relieved as Harry when Ron Weasley finally burst in, claiming that the map had been purchased at Zonko's. Snape scowled, and Remus quickly swept the map into his pocket. He steered Ron and Harry out of Snape's office and into the entrance hall.

He stared at the two boys for a moment, wondering what to say. He settled on telling them that he not only knew it was a map; he also knew exactly what it showed.

"Why did Snape think I'd got it from the manufacturers?" Harry asked.

Remus hesitated. "Because these mapmakers would have wanted to lure you out of school. They'd think it extremely entertaining." Remus did find it rather entertaining, or he would have if he were not also Harry's professor.

"Did you know them?" Harry asked.

"We've met." Remus hesitated. Harry would certainly enjoy hearing about all the times Peter had set up diversions so James and Sirius could sneak through the castle and double check the map's dimensions, and the advanced magic Remus had learned to charm it just so. There were so many things Remus longed to tell Harry in order to ease the burden of being the only one who remembered the Marauders. _Except for Sirius,_ he thought. _Sirius must remember._

Remus sighed. "I am astounded that you didn't hand it in," he said, feeling like both a coward and a hypocrite. "Particularly after what happened the last time a student left information about the castle lying around...Your parents gave their lives to keep you alive, Harry. A poor way to repay them, gambling their sacrifice for a bag of magic tricks."

Harry looked properly chagrined, but the words rang hollow in Remus's ears. _Right,_ he thought. _And_ you're _going to turn the map in to Dumbledore, aren't you, Remus? Right after you tell him that Sirius is an Animagus and that you've been breaking his trust for years._

Remus knew that there was not a chance that he was going to turn in the map, not at this point. Besides, he told himself, Sirius had already been in the castle, and he hadn't hurt anyone at all. So what good would it do to tell Dumbledore the truth now? _What about justice for Lily, James, and Peter? If they could use the map to catch Sirius..._

Back in his office, he looked again at the words still glittering across the map. The insults were a neat bit of magic that he'd thought of right before they finished making it. The Marauders had been careful enough that few people ever saw the insults, but the look on Filch's face when he finally caught them had made the resulting detentions more than worth it.

Remus touched the map with his wand. "Mischief managed," he murmured, and he watched the words of Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs disappear.


	33. Chapter 33

A/N: Here's the chapter you've been waiting for! As with the last two chapters, some dialogue here is taken directly from Prisoner of Azkaban.

Getting through the Prisoner of Azkaban segment of this fic has been surprisingly difficult, but on the plus side I've gotten to reread quite a lot of the book! As always, thank you for reading and reviewing. You guys are the best.

* * *

The year was nearly over before Remus took the Marauders Map out again. Despite his initial delight at seeing the map again, he found that a great loneliness welled up in him every time he so much as thought of it. He was finally able to think of James, Peter, and even Sirius without being overcome by grief, but when Remus thought of the map, he couldn't help but think of all the times the Marauders had snuck out to Hogsmeade, stayed up after hours, or evaded Filch in dark corridors. He thought of his friends, sneaking out to the Shrieking Shack at each full moon to be with him. And he thought of Sirius hiding the map from James and Peter so he and Remus could sneak off together in the seventh year without getting caught.

And now, Remus was the only one left.

It was odd, then, that when Remus finally did take the map out again, it was to keep an eye on James' son. He had reason to think that Harry, Ron, and Hermione might try to sneak out of the castle after hours, and rather than stopping them, he thought he'd keep an eye on the map and make sure that they were safe.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," he muttered, tapping his wand on the piece of parchment. It was true, he thought. A real Hogwarts professor would go out and intercept the children, rather than letting them break rules. But Remus wasn't a real Hogwarts professor, he thought as the map sprang to life at his words. He was a Marauder, wasn't he, and a true Marauder would never prevent James Potter's son from breaking rules.

"There they are," he murmured, spotting the dots labeled Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger. As he had suspected, they were outside of the castle. He assumed they were headed toward Hagrid's hut, and he planned to watch to be sure that they arrived there safely. But then he noticed that there was a fourth dot with them, and its label shocked Remus so that he nearly knocked over a bottle of ink on his desk. He read it several times to be sure, but there was no doubt at all what it said.

 _Peter Pettigrew._

Remus was very confident that the map was accurate; he'd done the magic himself, and he'd been very thorough about it, as young as he'd been. And yet, how could Peter Pettigrew be at Hogwarts? How could he be _alive_? And with Harry, Ron, and Hermione to boot...But _why_? Even if he were in his rat form it made no sense at all. Remus swallowed hard, staring at the map. _How could Peter Pettigrew be alive?_

When another dot appeared and seemed to pull the others toward the Whomping Willow, Remus didn't think any further. He grabbed his wand and ran. He hadn't been to the Shrieking Shack in years, but he could have ran there with his eyes closed. Before he was halfway down the tunnel he could hear Hermione screaming for help, shouting that they were with Sirius Black. The map was right, then. His heart rate quickened as he approached the shack, his mind racing.

Sirius was here, at the Shrieking Shack. Peter Pettigrew was alive, but _how_? The closed casket at the funeral flashed through Remus's mind.

He burst through the door of the Shack and took in the sight of the room where he'd transformed tens of times during his time at Hogwarts. He didn't see Peter Pettigrew anywhere; either he'd run away since Remus had seen him on the map, or he was there as a rat. Hermione was standing near the door, her face flooded with relief at the sight of Remus. He pushed past her, glancing at Ron Weasley, who was laying on the floor, clearly injured.

And then, his gaze fell on Harry Potter, with his wand drawn, standing over Sirius Black. Remus nearly dropped his wand at the shock of seeing him again.

 _Sirius._ They met each other's eyes for the first time in over twelve years. Though he didn't have the haunted, dead-eyed look of many Azkaban prisoners, Sirius still looked _terrible_. He was frighteningly thin and his long hair, of which he'd always been so vain, hung in strings around his face, his clothes more tattered and dirty than Remus's had ever been, even at his most impoverished. But it was still Sirius, there was no doubt about that. They stared at each other. Remus still didn't understand, but he couldn't let Harry attack Sirius, at least not yet.

" _Expelliarmus_!" he shouted, and all of their wands flew to him. Harry whipped around to look at Remus, his eyes wide with surprise, but Remus was still looking at Sirius.

He raised his own wand, more to ease the students' minds than anything else. "Where is he, Sirius?"

He could feel Harry, Ron, and Hermione's eyes on him; he knew he sounded crazy. But Sirius raised a weak, shaking hand and pointed to Ron.

Remus glanced over at the boy. Ron looked utterly perplexed, and for a moment, Remus didn't understand either. But then he remembered that Ron Weasley had a pet rat. _Scabbers._

"But then…" Remus worked through it as quickly as he could. Peter was _alive_ , or at least Wormtail was alive. But if Peter was alive and yet had hid as a rat for all this time... "You switched…" he said at last, looking at Sirius. He could barely manage to get the words out. _Sirius wasn't the Secret Keeper after all._ "Without telling me?"

Sirius nodded, and Remus lowered his wand. _Sirius wasn't the Secret Keeper. It was Peter all along._ It was incomprehensible, and yet he'd never been so sure of anything in his life. Remus couldn't take his eyes off of Sirius; he had quite forgotten about the others. He was barely aware of walking quickly across the room, stepping over Ron and pushing past Harry to pull Sirius to his feet.

Sirius was in his arms again for the first time in twelve years. He was so thin that Remus could feel the bones in his back. He wished, more than anything, that they were alone. There was so many questions, and so much he didn't understand, and of course, there was Peter to contend with.

But Harry, Ron, and Hermione were still there, and all they could see was Remus embracing a murderer.

"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" Hermione screamed. "You...you and him!"

Everything seemed to happen very quickly after that. It took some time to explain what had really happened, once Hermione stopped screaming and Remus convinced them that they were not in any immediate danger. There was so much to explain that he barely knew where to begin. But Sirius kept his eyes fixed on the rat in Ron's hand. He'd been after Peter for too long to wait for Remus's explanations.

"We can explain afterwards!" he snarled, lunging for Scabbers. Ron stared at him, perplexed and horrified.

"Sirius, NO! They've—got—a—right—to—know—everything!" Remus shouted, grasping at Sirius's thin body, trying to pull him back. "Ron's kept him as a pet! There are parts of it even I don't understand! And Harry—you owe Harry the truth, Sirius."

This last sentence, more than anything, seemed to convince Sirius not to destroy Scabbers—Peter—right then and there.

"All right, then," Sirius said. "Tell them whatever you like. But make it quick, Remus. I want to commit the murder I was imprisoned for…"

Remus nodded. There was so much to say, and the story began so long ago. He took a deep breath and told them all the things he should have told Harry months ago. He told them about James and Peter and Sirius and himself. He told them that he was a werewolf and that his three best friends, Harry's father included, were unregistered Animagi. He told them about Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs.

Later, he could barely remember when, exactly, Severus Snape had revealed himself to be hiding in the corner, or how many of them had shouted the spell that ended up knocking him out. Later, all he really remembered was that Sirius was there, and that he was innocent. He'd always been innocent.

"Enough of this," Remus said at last, once the explanations and accusations had gone on long enough. "There's one certain way to prove what really happened. _Ron, give me that rat."_

Reluctantly, Ron held the rat out toward him.

Sirius and Remus pointed their wands at it, and all of them stared in shock and horror as a man appeared where Scabbers had been only moments before. There was no doubt who he was. Like Sirius and Remus, the man was old, tired, and thin—but he was Peter Pettigrew, all the same.

"Well, hello, Peter," Remus said, a false sort of pleasantness in his voice. "Long time, no see."

"Sirius...Remus…" Peter croaked out, perhaps the first words he'd spoken in twelve years. "My old friends…."

The shock of seeing Peter and Sirius again was so large that Remus almost expected to see James standing there too. But James was _dead,_ long dead, and it was Peter's fault. It had been Peter's fault all along. Peter, whom Remus had grieved at a funeral with a closed casket. Remus's hands shook as he held Sirius back from lunging at their old friend.

Remus had been alone for so long, so long, and it was all because of Peter. Sirius had gone to Azkaban, all because of Peter. James and Lily and twelve Muggles were all _dead_ , all because of Peter. Not to mention Marlene and Dorcas and all the other Order members who had died because Peter was a spy. Remus hadn't been sure that Sirius deserved the Dementor's Kiss, but in that moment, he was absolutely certain that Peter did.

At last, they turned away from Peter, who cowered and whimpered on the floor. There was still more of the story to tell. He lost track of time as he and Sirius began to explain the unexplainable. How Sirius had asked Peter to be the Secret Keeper at the last minute, thinking nobody would ever suspect him. How Peter, who had been a spy for months at that point, had gone straight to Voldemort with the information that led to Lily and James' death.

It was Sirius who had tracked Peter down that night, and Peter who had blown up a street full of Muggles when he was caught. Peter had faked his own death, and hidden as a rat for twelve years, while Sirius sat in Azkaban alone, staving off madness.

"I'll never understand why I didn't see you were the spy from the start," Sirius growled at Peter, who whimpered and cowered on the floor. "You always liked big friends who'd look after you, didn't you? It used to be us...me and Remus...and James…" Sirius turned toward Harry. "Believe me," he whispered. "I never betrayed James and Lily. I would have died before I betrayed them."

Peter's denials grew more and more desperate. "Remus….you don't believe this...wouldn't Sirius have told you if they'd changed the plans?"

"Not if he thought I was the spy, Peter," said Remus quietly. "I assume that's why you didn't' tell me, Sirius?" he said, looking at Sirius. He knew they were both thinking of those long, tense months at the end of the war, and the accusations Sirius had made at the end.

"Forgive me, Remus," Sirius whispered.

"Not at all, Padfoot, old friend," Remus said, rolling up his sleeves. Snape still lay unconscious on the floor, and Peter cowered at their feet, his denials finally having died on his lips. Remus's head throbbed, and anger pounded in his ears, but for once, his anger was not directed at Sirius. _Friend_ couldn't begin to encompass it, what Sirius had always been to him, but Remus looked at him imploringly, hoping he would understand. "And will you, in turn, forgive me for believe you were the spy?"

"Of course," said Sirius. Remus knew there would be time talk later, but now, there was Peter in front of them, Peter, who had killed Lily and James and ruined any chance Remus and Sirius might have had at happiness.

Sirius's eyes blazed with hatred. "You should have died," he snarled at Peter. "Died, rather than betray your friends, as we would have done for you." He raised his wand, and Remus did the same.

"You should have realized," Remus said quietly. "If Voldemort didn't kill you, we would. Goodbye, Peter." He took a deep breath, ready to utter the killing curse for the first time in his life. But then—

"NO!" Before Sirius and Remus could strike, Harry leapt across the room, blocking Peter with his own body. "You can't kill him," he said. "You can't." Remus stared at him. "We'll take him up to the castle...He can go to Azkaban, but don't kill him."

Remus looked at Sirius. It was what James would have done; it was what James _did_ do for Snape, all those years ago. Together, Sirius and Remus stood down. Instead of killing Peter, Remus conjured ropes and tied him up.

Later, Remus would close his eyes and burn with regret over the foolishness of the plan they concocted next. There were so many things they could have done besides trying to drag Snape's unconscious body and an unwilling Peter back up to the castle.

But then again, maybe it would have worked, if Remus hadn't forgotten about the full moon. Maybe it would have worked, if he hadn't forgotten to take the Wolfsbane Potion earlier that day.

But in his shock at seeing Sirius again, he'd lost track of time and forgotten it all.

He didn't kill or harm any of them when he transformed into a wolf, and for that, he would always be grateful. But Peter—the only proof they had of Sirius's innocence—escaped.


	34. Chapter 34

_Dear Sirius,_

 _What is there to say, after all this time? I'd hoped we might have time, afterward, to discuss everything, but I can't say I'm surprised at how things worked out. I'm not as naive as I used to be. My expectations are quite low these days. I'm only glad that you're safe, wherever you are._

 _Please don't do anything foolish, Padfoot._

 _I was relieved to hear that the students, too, were all safe. To think that I could have bitten any of you...I'm old enough to know better, Sirius, and I'm terribly ashamed of my role in all of this. Dumbledore knows, now, that you're an Animagus, and he did acknowledge that he has done little to cultivate my trust in him, which is something, at least. Maybe more than I deserve._

 _If you've seen the papers, you'll know I'm out of a job. The morning after it all happened (my ill-timed transformation, Pettigrew escaping,_ you _escaping), Snape let it slip that I'm a werewolf. I think he would have done so regardless of what happened that night. It's been a long year for he and I. Remind me to tell you sometime about an incident we had involving a Snape, a boggart and Frank and Alice Longbottom's son._

 _I'm sorry, so sorry, that I doubted you and believed you capable of such terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I hope that someday, I'll see you again._

 _Remus_

 _P.S. Harry is everything that James and Lily would have wanted him to be. They would be so proud of him. I certainly am._

* * *

 _Remus-_

 _I don't think I've written you a letter since the summer before our seventh year at Hogwarts. Remember those days?_

 _You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who brought all of this upon us, and while I'm sorry as well, I'd happily take another twelve years in Azkaban if it means that Wormtail gets what he deserves. But don't worry, I'm not hunting him down, at least not yet. I_ _'ll be on the run till Dumbledore thinks it's safe for me to return._

 _Don't worry about me. I can finally go wherever I like, which is much better than being locked up with dementors or skulking about Hogsmeade in disguise as a dog._

 _I've missed you for years, Remus. I don't even know what to say about how things ended between us back then. I'm glad you're safe and well, though I must say, you've gotten quite old since I saw you last._

 _Please keep in touch._

 _Sirius_

* * *

 _Sirius-_

 _I hope you're well and that you're keeping your head down._

 _It's been a long summer here. I'm back in my cottage, doing odd jobs for the most part. While I was teaching at Hogwarts, some Ministry official named Umbridge passed some nasty anti-werewolf legislation that's made discrimination not just legal, but encouraged. And now that Snape's outed me, it'll be harder than ever for me to find work, if you can imagine that._

 _Enough about me, though. Did you hear about the Dark Mark sighting at the Quidditch World Cup? I have a bad feeling about it. It reminds me of that attack on the Hogsmeade apothecary years ago. That was the first time I ever saw the Mark._

 _Ireland won the Cup, by the way, though Bulgaria got the Snitch. I don't really care, but I thought you might._

 _I've enclosed as much food as I can spare. Have you heard from Harry lately?_

 _Remus_

 _P.S. I hear the Triwizard Tournament's going to be at Hogwarts this year. I'm a little sorry to be missing all the fun._

 _P.P.S. Of course I remember writing to you that summer. I also remember James reading everything we wrote._

* * *

 _Moony-_

 _I'm very sorry to hear about the new law. I've heard things about that Umbridge. She sounds like a real piece of work. Don't send anymore food unless you've got enough for yourself, Moony. Although the bread you sent was very good. You're getting quite domestic in your old age._

 _More seriously though, I had a letter from Harry about the Triwizard Tournament just yesterday. Apparently somebody's put his name in the Goblet, and I've got a terrible feeling about it. Maybe Azkaban's made me paranoid, but between this and the Dark Mark sighting at the World Cup, I think something's going on._

 _Sirius_

 _P.S. I've also been thinking about the attack on the apothecary. That was when Tenley Smelter's parents were killed, wasn't it? Hard to keep track after a while._

 _I've thought a lot about that day in Hogsmeade over the years, Remus, but not only because of the Dark Mark._


	35. Chapter 35

The year following Sirius's return was a long one. Try as Remus might, he couldn't find a job, and his little cottage was draftier and lonelier than ever. And yet, he felt buoyed by the knowledge that Sirius was out there somewhere, he was safe, and above all, that he was innocent. Sirius wrote only periodically during the year, and sometimes his letters said nothing but _Safe. -S._ but they were something, at least, and Remus kept them all.

One day in late June, Remus was returning home from one of his odd jobs. He frequently helped an old woman named Millicent Vance put her old, decaying house to rights, and this time, she had a boggart trapped in an icebox in her basement. Thanks to Umbridge's new legislation, he was forced to disclose that he was a werewolf, but Millicent didn't seem to care. If anything, she was delighted to have a gossip partner, and he suspected that she would have paid him just to come over and chat.

"I've heard something terrible happened at Hogwarts today," she whispered excitedly, watching him pry open the icebox. He could hear the boggart rattling within. "A boy _died_."

"What?" he said, standing up so quickly he nearly hit his head on a pipe. "Where did you hear that?"

"Oh, around," she said vaguely. "My sister Betty's neighbor's grandson is at Hogwarts, and his mother heard that something terrible happened at the Triwizard Tournament. The boy was quite beside himself."

Remus took a deep breath and returned to the icebox. He didn't know much more about the Tournament than he'd read in the papers or heard in Sirius's sparse letters, but he _did_ know that Harry was a champion and today was the final task. "Do you know who died? What happened?"

But Millicent didn't know, and there was nothing in the Daily Prophet or the Muggle papers he'd grabbed from bins on his way home. Maybe it was just rumors and nobody had died at all, although Millicent's gossip network was usually quite accurate. _Please, don't let it be Harry,_ he thought, his mind racing with a thousand different scenarios. Now that Sirius was out of Azkaban, Remus was getting nearly as paranoid as Sirius had been during the war.

But Remus when Remus approached his little cottage, he knew that what Millicent had told him must be at least partially true, because a large shaggy black dog was waiting for him on the front steps.

Remus's heart leapt into his throat at the sight. He'd spent the last year trying to convince himself that this might never happen, and yet now that it had, he found he wasn't the least bit surprised.

"Hello, Sirius," Remus murmured, kneeling on the ground and scratching behind the dog's ears. Padfoot licked Remus's face and nuzzled his neck with a wet nose. It was a strange thing, Sirius in dog form. Remus would never have felt so comfortable with the real Sirius, but with Padfoot, the boundaries were different.

"Is it true?" Remus whispered. "Did something terrible happen at the tournament?" Padfoot whined and licked his face again. "Okay. Come on inside."

It was three hours later when Sirius finally finished telling Remus what had happened at the Triwizard Tournament. Millicent had been right; a boy had died, and it was Cedric Diggory, of Hufflepuff, at the hands of none other than Peter Pettigrew. The rest of the story was difficult to understand, but the bottom line was that the tournament had been rigged by Death Eaters, Harry was alive, but safe, and unbelievably, Voldemort was back.

Remus could barely register this information. He kept thinking of what Dumbledore had told him nearly fourteen years ago. _The war is over. Voldemort is dead._

Bu Sirius had heard it directly from Dumbledore and Harry, and Remus believed it. He found it almost more incomprehensible that Sirius was also back, drinking tea at Remus's creaky kitchen table, wearing one of Remus's old cardigans, and talking about the war (a new war? the same war?) as if no time had passed at all. Remus made sandwiches, and as Sirius talked, Remus watched him eat three of them, one right after another. He didn't look much better now than he did a year ago in the Shrieking Shack. His hair was still long and shaggy, his face gaunt. His sunken eyes were sharp and anxious, and he jumped at the smallest of sounds.

He was Sirius, but he was not the boy Remus had loved fourteen years ago. Remus had almost forgotten that when they were writing each other letters that summer.

Remus shook his head. That wasn't a topic he could think about, not right now. He also couldn't think about the fact that Cedric Diggory—one of his old students—was dead. If only they'd killed Wormtail last year when they had the chance...

But they hadn't killed Wormtail, and he'd actually managed to find Voldemort and help him return. This part, Remus did not quite understand.

"How could You-Know-Who be back?" he asked. "I thought he was dead—you saw his body, didn't you?"

"Yes," Sirius said stiffly. "That night in Godric's Hollow. His body was there. Next to Lily's." His dark eyes were hollow and tired.

"Don't think about it," Remus said quickly. "I'm sorry I brought it up."

Sirius shrugged. "I've had years to think about it. A lot of people thought he'd be back someday, you know. I think Dumbledore always knew he wasn't really gone. Some sick part of him remained. And the Death Eaters—the ones in Azkaban. They thought he'd be back someday to break them out."

"If he's really back, I'm sure he will," Remus said grimly. "The dementors will join him."

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "Dumbledore tried to tell Fudge that, but he wouldn't listen. It's like he doesn't remember, or doesn't care, how bad it was back then." He paused, looking at Remus with those dark, hollow eyes. "It'll be that bad again, Remus. Maybe worse."

Remus shuddered. "I don't know if I can handle it again. There was so much—even after he fell, there was more. The Longbottoms—"

"I know," Sirius interrupted. "Fuck, Moony, I know. My cousin Bellatrix is the one who did it. Frank and Alice's boy—is he all right?"

"He's fine, lives with his grandmother. He's in Gryffindor with Harry. A little nervous, absolutely terrified of Snape, but a good kid, really. He'll be all right."

Sirius shook his head. "It's funny, there was a lot of things I learned in Azkaban—like what happened to the Longbottoms—but there's a lot of stuff I never knew. I've spent years wondering whether Dumbledore was right about Regulus—if he really did turn back to the Light at the end, and if that's why my father killed himself. I'll never know. Who told Voldemort about the prophecy? We'll probably never know that either."

Remus shrugged. He had his own suspicions about who had told Voldemort about the prophecy, but telling Sirius about them wouldn't do any good. The last thing they needed was for Sirius to rush out and kill Snape—even if Snape deserved it. "Maybe it's better not to know some things."

"Maybe you're right." Sirius took a last bite of his sandwich and grimaced. "The things I do know haven't helped me at all. Knowing what a murdering traitor Wormtail was— _is_ —that hasn't helped me one fucking bit."

"Well it's not over. Maybe we'll have another crack at him," Remus said darkly. "Dumbledore asked you to alert the old crowd?"

"Yeah," Sirius said, rattling off a few names. "Not too many of them left though. And fucking Snivellus is part of the Order now, too," he said in disgust.

"I'm not surprised. Dumbledore trusts Snape," said Remus. "And I'm hardly in a position to argue with Dumbledore about trust."

"Guess he'll want you to go after the werewolves again?"

Remus hesitated. "Probably." He glanced up at Sirius, and was surprised to see that the other man was smiling. It was a real, genuine smile, and it almost made him look youthful again. "What?"

"I think this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you off for consorting with werewolves," Sirius said, quirking an eyebrow.

Remus laughed, the tension in his chest suddenly dissipating. "I wish you would. I'll have to leave soon, I expect. Greyback will be out there, undoing all the work I did back then." And the werewolves would be more restless than ever, he thought grimly. Especially after Umbridge's legislation.

"Is Goro Banden still alive?" Sirius asked.

Remus nodded. "I still see him from time to time. He and a few others. It's better than transforming alone."

Sirius didn't say anything, and Remus felt as though they were on the verge of discussing things that he wasn't ready to discuss. He didn't want to talk about werewolves or spies or James and Lily or even Harry. He especially did not want to talk about young Sirius and Remus and whether or not anything was left of them.

"Are you—er—staying here?" Remus asked awkwardly. "I can make up a bed in the living room. I know this place isn't much. It's not even as nice as what we had back in Hogsmeade." Sirius glanced up at him at the mention of their flat, but Remus looked away. He hadn't meant to bring Hogsmeade up, either.

"I guess I haven't asked yet. Is it all right? Dumbledore thought I should lay low here for a while till I can I find out what's going on with Grimmauld Place. It should be mine now that my mum's died."

"I heard about that," Remus said. "I'm, ah—"

"Don't say you're sorry. She was an old bitch and we're better off without her."

Remus snorted. "All right then. I'll transfigure a bed for you." He moved to walk toward the living room, but Sirius grabbed his arm before he could leave the room. Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath at the sudden contact; it was their first since Sirius's return.

"Remus." Sirius was standing so close that Remus could feel his breath. "Remus, I—"

"No," Remus shook his head and pulled his arm out of Sirius's grasp. "I can't. Sirius, I'm relieved you're here—I'm _so_ relieved you're here—but I can't—I'm not ready." Ready for what, he didn't know.

"All right," Sirius said, and he let Remus go.

* * *

Remus woke several times in the night. He wasn't used to having someone else in the house, and Sirius woke frequently in the night—walking to the bathroom, opening the fridge, running the kitchen sink. The Sirius that Remus used to know had been a sound sleeper, splayed out unmoving across the bed for eight or ten or twelve hours until Remus inevitably yanked back the covers and demanded that he wake up. This Sirius was different. He was cagey, guarded, restless.

In the early morning hours, Remus woke for the fourth or fifth time, this time to the sound of screaming.

"No! No, please! Let me go!"

Remus leapt out of bed and raced to the living room with his wand drawn, expecting to see Aurors or Death Eaters or someone who might have tracked Sirius down. But there was only Sirius there, curled up alone in the transfigured bed, rocking back and forth and keening in his sleep. A shiver went through Remus's body.

"Sirius," he said cautiously. "Sirius." He reached out and placed a tentative hand on Sirius's shoulder. Sirius jolted awake, and Remus increased the pressure from his hand. "Padfoot," he whispered. "It's me. It's Moony. You're safe."

"Is it really you?" Sirius whispered in a choked voice.

"Yes," Remus said quietly. "It's me."

"Don't go," Sirius whispered. Remus hesitated for a moment, and then he slipped into bed carefully beside his old friend. He kept his distance, reaching out and placed a reassuring hand on Sirius's bony back. In some ways, it felt almost like old times.

"Go back to sleep," he whispered. "I'll stay."


	36. Chapter 36

"I'm donating Grimmauld Place to the Order," Sirius announced when Remus walked through the door a couple weeks later, filthy and exhausted after spending the afternoon replacing the broken floorboards on Millicent's back porch. Sirius was lounging on the couch, flipping through some of Remus's old Defense Against the Dark Arts textbooks. "Arthur Weasley helped me get inside today. It's dusty and disgusting and full of Dark magic, but it's also extremely private. Unplottable, even. It'll be safe if we can clean it out."

"That's great." Remus tossed his bag on the ground and flopped down on the couch next to Sirius. He wondered if that meant Sirius was moving out. He felt a stab of loneliness at the thought, but a bit of relief as well. He'd started getting used to having Sirius in the house again, but he was exhausted from avoiding Sirius's dark, relentless gaze and tiptoeing around all the things they'd left unsaid.

They never spoke about Sirius's nightmares, but Remus spent most nights laying next to him on the transfigured bed in the living room, Sirius clad in a pair of Remus's old pajamas. They carefully avoided any more touching than was necessary between them, except for one extremely tense morning when Remus woke with Sirius's head nestled on his chest. He'd quickly disentangled himself and left the room before Sirius could say or do anything about it.

It would have been easier and more comfortable to sleep together in the Remus's bedroom, but that was a barrier that Remus was not ready to break.

"That's not all," Sirius was saying now. "My parents' house elf, Kreacher, was at the house. I haven't seen him since we were in school. He's even nastier now that he's been alone for so long."

"Jesus," said Remus, shaking his head. "That's a long time for anyone to be alone. Did you ask him about Regulus?"

Sirius smiled. "Sixteen-odd years since Regulus died, and, and that's still the first thing you think of, Moony," he said, gazing at Remus affectionately. Remus flushed. "I did ask about Regulus and my father, but Kreacher wouldn't tell me a goddamn thing. All I could get out of him was that he does know what happened to Regulus and promised not to tell, and that my father suspected the truth about him—something about letting the Dark Lord down. 'Two disappointing sons too many for Master,' was all Kreacher said."

"So Regulus did turn, at the end?"

"Maybe. But it could have been from cowardice just as well as from bravery."

Remus shrugged. "It could have been both."

"Maybe. Listen, Remus," Sirius said hesitantly. "I don't want to be too forward—"

"When have you _ever_ worried about that?" Remus said with a snort, but he glanced nervously at Sirius; the intensity of his gaze was as unnerving as ever.

A smile flitted across Sirius's thin face. "All right, then. Here it is: Grimmauld Place is big and empty and I hate it there. What do you think about moving in with me?"

Remus's eyes flew up to Sirius's. Sirius had asked him that once before in another lifetime. _I was thinking...what if you lived with me?_

 _All right,_ that other Remus had answered. _I love you, and I'll live with you._

"I have a house," he said instead.

Sirius quirked an eyebrow at him. "I don't want to be rude, Moony, but your house, er, isn't exactly—"

Remus glared at him. "It's a dump, I know, but that didn't bother you when you had nowhere else to go."

"True," conceded Sirius. "But, look. Grimmauld Place might be extremely dangerous and bursting with Dark Magic, but at least the heat works and there's no rotting floorboards, at least not as far as I could see." He paused and teased Remus with a rare smile. "Come on, Moony. We've lived together before and it worked out pretty well, if I remember correctly."

"That was different," Remus said shortly, and Sirius's smile faltered.

"I know," he said seriously. "Trust me, I _know_ that things are different. All I bloody think about is all the ways that things are different. But I don't want to be alone. Do you?"

Remus shook his head and glanced around the cottage again. It _was_ a dump, and he was unhappy here, but he had so many questions and so many misgivings, even more than he'd had when they were seventeen. Living with Sirius couldn't be a good idea, and yet, he, too, was tired of being alone.

"All right," he said, and the grin reappeared on Sirius's face. _I love you, and I'll live with you._ "All right, Sirius," Remus repeated. His stomach lurched, and he wasn't sure if it was from from excitement or dread. "I'll move to Grimmauld Place. I'll live with you."


	37. Chapter 37

A/N: Fair warning, folks: we are nearing the end!

* * *

It was two weeks later when Remus finally left his little cottage for the last time. Sirius had moved to Grimmauld Place almost immediately after their last conversation, and Remus had spent some time getting his affairs in order. He'd spoken with his landlord, finished up a few odd jobs for Millicent, and wrote to Goro Banden to make arrangements for the coming full moons. And then it was time to face Sirius—and the Order—again. He Apparated to Number 12, Grimmauld Place with nothing but his old case in tow and knocked loudly on the door.

"It's you," Sirius said when he answered. "Took you long enough."

"It's only been a couple weeks, Padfoot," Remus said, trying to ignore the pinch of nerves in his stomach. He hadn't known what to expect from Sirius here, but the other man seemed almost happy as he took in the sight of Remus standing on his front step. The corners of his mouth quirked up in what was almost a smile.

"I missed you, all right?" Sirius said, taking Remus's case from him. Remus flushed at his candor. He'd been surprised by how much he'd also missed Sirius in the last couple weeks, though he couldn't quite bring himself to admit it. "Dumbledore must have sent you the address?"

"Yeah." Remus held up a scrap of paper which read _The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix may be found at number twelve, Grimmauld Place, London._ "He's Secret Keeper, I take it?"

Sirius nodded. "You'll want to burn that," he said, and watched Remus take out his wand to incinerate the piece of paper.

"Mischief managed," Remus said as the last of the ash fell to the ground. He'd said it almost without thinking, and Sirius let out a loud, surprised laugh.

"Come on inside, Moony," he said. "And keep your voice down in the hallway. My mother's portrait is up in there and she's furious that I've brought all this riffraff into the house, myself included. Miserable old hag. And don't touch anything else, either. This house is full of Dark magic."

Remus followed Sirius through the doorway, intrigued. It was dim and dusty inside, and he could barely make out a few horrifying looking artifacts. He thought he saw an umbrella stand shaped like a trolls' leg—or maybe it was a real troll's leg—and were those house-elf heads up on the walls? He shuddered to think that Sirius and Regulus had grown up in such a place.

Despite the grim surroundings, the sounds of people laughing and talking rang throughout the house. When Sirius led Remus into the sitting room, he was surprised to recognize the faces of several of his former students. He spotted Hermione Granger and Fred, George, Ron, and Ginny Weasley, all of them gathered around a box full of rather disturbing looking artifacts.

"Professor Lupin!" a chorus of voices called out as Remus stared at them all in surprise.

Sirius snorted. "They've been calling you that ever since they got here," he told Remus with an amused smile. "It's absurd, really."

Remus glared at him, half-amused and half-exasperated. But he was touched at the students' excitement. "Please, call me Remus," he told them. "I'm not your professor any longer. It's wonderful to see you again. Are you all in the Order?"

Fred sighed loudly. "No. We're too young, according to Mum—"

"—And Dumbledore," George finished. "Even though we're of age now." He flicked his wand and sent a couch cushion flying at Ron's head as if to prove his point. "We can do magic and Apparate but we can't help the Order. It's not bloody fair."

Ron glared at George and threw the cushion back at him. "Stop it, you wanker," he muttered, then glanced up at Remus. "Sorry, Professor."

Sirius laughed, and Remus grinned at the unexpected sound. "Your _professor_ has said far worse than that himself, if I recall correctly," Sirius said, shooting a glance at Remus.

"Come now, Sirius, you'll blow my cover," Remus said, smiling broadly at him. "But Sirius is right, Ron, no need to apologize to me." He turned toward the twins. "You know, in the first war, we had to wait to join the Order till we graduated, too." Remus glanced at Sirius out of the corner of his eye. "The waiting just about killed Sirius."

Sirius nodded emphatically. "'Focus on your studies!' 'Practice your curses!' 'Maintain unity between the Houses!''" he said in an uncanny imitation of Dumbledore. "Felt like a load of bullshit to me."

Remus joined in the students' laughter and felt some of the nervous tension leave his chest. "As a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, I must say that Dumbledore's advice is very good, especially the bit about practicing your curses," he said with a grin. "But as your _former_ professor, I can't say I disagree with Sirius." He glanced about the room again. "Is Harry here?"

"No," said Ron. "And he's not happy about it, either. You should see the letters we've been getting from him."

"Dumbledore thinks he should stay with Petunia Evans—I mean, Dursley—for a while longer yet," Sirius explained. "Not really sure why, but you know Dumbledore. He's always got his reasons, though he's rarely keen to share them with the rest of us." He gave an exaggerated eye roll, and Fred and George exchanged grins.

Remus looked fondly at them all. His own face already hurt from smiling and he'd only been in the house for five minutes. After a moment, he turned back to Sirius and was not surprised to see the other man watching him.

"Come on into the kitchen," said Sirius. "I'll make a pot of tea and give you the full tour. And you lot, be careful with that box," he said sharply to the Weasleys and Hermione. "God knows what my mother kept in there." Remus waved to the students—he couldn't help thinking of them that way—and followed Sirius out of the room.

"Dumbledore invited them to stay," said Sirius. "Noisy lot, but it's better than being alone, and they volunteered to help clean out the place." He glanced back at Remus. "What are you grinning about?"

Remus looked sheepishly at him. "Oh, just thinking of how much Fred and George remind me of you and James. I could've given them so many detentions when I was teaching last year."

Sirius's eyes narrowed, and for a moment, Remus thought he'd misread Sirius's mood and made a mistake in bringing up James. But then something seemed to crack open across Sirius's face, and he let out a sudden bark of laughter. "Bet you looked the other way, didn't you, Professor Moony? Just like you did for James and I when we were at school."

Remus smiled, relieved. "Maybe I did," he said evasively. "Who am I to interrupt the carrying on of the Marauders' good work?" They were both laughing when they entered the kitchen together, and Remus suddenly felt lighter than he had in months—years, even. Maybe it would be all right after all, staying here with Sirius. They were different, but maybe some things could be the same.

* * *

In the kitchen, Remus was surprised to see the Auror who had searched his house last summer reading a newspaper at the table. She smiled broadly at them when they entered.

"Wotcher, Lupin," she said brightly. She looked more or less the same than she had the last time he'd seen her, except that her hair was now a cheerful shade of pink.

"Hello—Tonks, isn't it?" Remus asked. Sirius began rustling about at the counter, putting on a pot of tea, and Remus sat down at the table beside her.

"You remember!" she said delightedly. "Did you just arrive?"

Remus nodded, flushing a bit at the memory of their last meeting. "Of course I remember," he said. "Listen, I'm sorry I was so rude to you last summer. I was caught off guard, and—"

"It's not a problem," she said quickly. "I wasn't exactly bringing you good news. And then I broke something of yours, didn't I? What was it again? It's a bit difficult to keep track, you see..."

Remus laughed, and Sirius turned from the tea kettle at the sound, glancing curiously at him. "Yes, the bedside lamp," Remus told her. "It's fine though, no harm done."

There was something rather disarming about Tonks that Remus found he liked very much, and he was glad to see that she was to be part of the new Order. He glanced at her newspaper. "Are you reading the Daily Prophet?"

"Yeah," Tonks said with a frown. "But there's nothing of interest, as usual. The Ministry is really covering up any mention of You-Know-Who, and they're all too keen to discredit Harry and Dumbledore and anyone else who believes he's back."

Remus grimaced. In his brief burst of happiness, he'd almost forgotten the real reason they were all here. "Damn the Ministry," he said shortly. "And damn Fudge too, for that matter." He frowned at an image of the Minister of Magic that was smirking up at them from the front of the paper.

Tonks grinned at him and flipped the paper over. "I knew I liked you, Lupin."

Remus blushed, unsure how to respond. He glanced over at Sirius again, who was digging about the cupboard for the teacups. He was looking a little better these days, Remus noticed. Molly Weasley must be making sure he was getting enough to eat. His face was less thin and his clothes even fit better. Remus's eyes trailed the length of Sirius' body. _Much_ better, in fact, though the cut of his jeans was rather odd and dated. Remus smiled, wondering if Sirius had dug them out of the closet in his childhood bedroom. He seemed happier, too. The house full of people suited him, or maybe it was the fact that he finally had something to do. It would be even better when Harry finally arrived, he thought.

Tonks was watching him when he finally turned away from Sirius. "The pink hair is nice," he said quickly, more to cover his embarrassment at being caught staring at Sirius than anything else. "Much better than the purple. And, er, you can call me Remus."

There was a pause as Sirius approached the table with a cup of tea for each of them, and Tonks' eyes flickered from Remus to Sirius and back again.

"You like the pink, then? Mad-Eye hates it, so I thought I'd keep it around," she said at last, with a smile at Remus. She paused, and her expression grew more serious. "By the way, I, ah, heard about the anti-werewolf legislation last year. Terribly sorry about that. I don't know what the Ministry's playing at."

Remus stared at her, his teacup nearly slipping out of his hand in his surprise. Sirius's hand darted out to steady it as he sat down beside Remus.

"Sorry!" Tonks said quickly. "I shouldn't have brought it up."

"It's all right," Remus said, swallowing hard. "I mean, thanks." He'd had never had his lycanthropy come up in casual conversation with anyone other than the Marauders. He looked curiously at her. "And you—you don't…"

"Care that you're a werewolf?" she said with a warm smile at him. "No, of course not. Why would I?'

Remus breathed a sigh of relief and smiled back at her. Maybe some things had changed for the better over time, after all.

* * *

"I didn't know you knew my cousin," Sirius said later, with the hint of an edge in his voice. Remus was following him up the stairs to his room, lugging his old case behind him. Sirius's earlier lightness seemed to have evaporated at some point in the afternoon, and Remus wasn't sure why.

"Your cousin?" Remus said, perplexed. "Oh, right. Tonks." He'd almost forgotten that Tonks was Sirius's cousin Andromeda's daughter. "Yeah, she was the one who came by to tell me you'd escaped last year. Searched my house, as a matter of fact."

Sirius snorted. "Guess she liked what she found."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Remus asked, his face flushing.

"Don't be dense, Moony. She couldn't keep her eyes off you, could she?"

Remus nearly dropped his case down the stairs. "Come off it. She's young enough to be my daughter, Sirius."

Sirius turned around at the top of the stairs and looked incredulously at Remus. "Give me a break, Remus. Were you fathering children I didn't know about when we were second years?"

Remus didn't answer. He'd thought things were going well between them today, but then again, Remus couldn't quite read Sirius these days. Was he joking? Was he jealous? Was he suggesting that Remus pursue something with Tonks? In any case, it was irrelevant. There was no way somebody like Tonks would be interested in an unemployed, grey-haired werewolf like him. He frowned. As if he needed one more thing to be uncertain about now that he was sleeping in Sirius's house.

Sirius ushered him down the hallway. They were on the top floor of Grimmauld Place now, and there were only two doors at the top of the stairs. A sign above one of them read " _Do Not Enter Without the Express Permission of Regulus Arcturus Black._ "

"Here's your room," Sirius said, gesturing toward it. "The other one's mine." His hand brushed the small of Remus's back as he showed him through the door, and Remus felt a shiver go through his body. So he and Sirius would be alone up here on the top floor. _That's good,_ he told himself quickly. _Because of the nightmares..._ He wanted to ask Sirius how he'd been sleeping lately, but he didn't know how to broach the subject.

The room was small but tidy, decorated in green and silver—Slytherin colors. "It—ah—it was Regulus's," Sirius said unnecessarily. "Haven't cleaned it yet, so it's a bit dusty, but it should be safer than the others. Reg might have been a Death Eater, but he didn't leave Dark stuff lying around his room like the rest did." Sirius glanced at the Black family crest painted over the bed. _Toujours Pur. Always Pure_. "Sorry about that," he said grimly.

"It's fine," Remus said softly, remembering just how very young Regulus had been when he lived here, and how young he'd been when he died. He suddenly felt extremely aware of Sirius' body standing so very close to him, their arms brushing against one another in the narrow doorway.

"I didn't want anyone else in Reg's room," Sirius said quietly. "A bunch of Weasleys pawing through his things. But I knew you'd, well—you knew Regulus. You understand."

"I do," Remus said, glancing at Sirius's tired face. He remembered the night they'd found out Regulus had died, Sirius sitting hunched over at the table with Dumbledore, his head his hands, and later, the way he had cried in Remus's arms in bed. The new Order—the Weasleys, Hermione, Harry, Tonks—they'd never know what it had been like back then.

Remus reached for Sirius's hand and squeezed it, feeling that familiar shiver go through his body. Sirius looked up him, startled, and Remus met his gaze.

"I'm glad to be here, Sirius," he whispered.

Sirius exhaled heavily and gripped Remus's hand. "I'm glad you're here, too."


	38. Chapter 38

In the end, Remus never slept in Regulus's old bedroom. He kept his things in it, but aside from the corner where he dropped his case that first night, the room remained just as dusty as it had been for the last sixteen or so years.

Most of the time, Remus was away from Grimmauld Place altogether, traveling with Banden for weeks each month the way he had at the height of the first war. The work was as strenuous and exhausting as ever, and the werewolves even less inclined to listen to Remus than they had been the first time, but in some ways, it was better than it had been in the old days. Remus had less to lose now, and he'd come to terms with his lycanthrophy in a way that he'd never thought possible before. The full moon still wasn't easy, but after over thirty years of transformations, he found that he was no longer ashamed or afraid.

The nights that Remus did stay at Grimmauld Place, however, he slept in Sirius's bed.

He hadn't intended to at first. He'd meant to keep his distance. He'd been about to go to sleep on his own that first night, but Sirius had appeared in the doorway only minutes after he'd left Remus alone.

"I know I made a big show of giving you this room, Moony," he'd said quietly. "But the truth is, I was hoping you'd sleep with me."

"With you," Remus repeated. He was startled, but not entirely surprised. "In your room?"

"Yes. I didn't want to ask, but it's, ah, it's the nightmares." Sirius shifted uncomfortably in the doorway, and Remus felt a sudden surge of tenderness toward him. "I'd planned not to, actually, but I haven't slept in a few days. I've been using a silencing charm on the door so the others wouldn't hear, and—"

"Padfoot, it's all right," Remus interrupted quickly. "Of course I'll—I'll sleep with you." Sirius quirked an eyebrow at him, and Remus felt his ears redden. "Like we did at my cottage," he clarified. "Just for the nightmares."

"Whatever you say, Moony." Sirius disappeared from the doorway, and Remus followed him, the smallest of smiles on his lips.

The top floor of Grimmauld Place was private enough, and as far as Remus knew, the others were unaware that the two old friends were sharing a bedroom throughout the hot summer nights. When Remus woke to Sirius thrashing or screaming in the bed beside him, he pressed a steady, reassuring palm against his back, rubbing in gentle circles until he quieted. As the summer progressed, Sirius's nightmares became less and less, until they were both sleeping soundly through the night.

Each night, Remus wondered if he should return to his own room, but he never did. He told himself that it was for Sirius, but he was beginning to think that it might be he, Remus, who wanted to stay.

* * *

Harry finally joined them at Order headquarters later in the summer, and he, Ron, and Hermione delighted in any stories Remus and Sirius could tell about the Marauders' days at Hogwarts.

"I still can't believe you became Animagus when you were so young," Hermione said, shaking her head. "It's such advanced magic!"

Sirius grinned at her. "Are you surprised that we were bright enough to pull it off?"

"Well, no, not exactly," she said, blushing. "But—"

"You don't have to lie, Hermione," Remus teased. "I certainly didn't think they'd be able to do it."

Sirius shrugged. "To be fair, we almost didn't. Your dad had the hardest time with it." He turned to Harry, whose green eyes always lit up with excitement at the merest mention of James. "We'd gone through all the trouble of doing the thing, got to the point where we could transform and everything, but James couldn't control it."

"What do you mean?" asked Hermione.

"It was awful," Sirius said, though he was grinning widely. "For the first few days, he couldn't control when he'd turn into Prongs. We were afraid he'd done the thing wrong. We'd be on our way down to the Quidditch pitch and I'd look next to me and suddenly there'd be a bloody deer standing there instead of James."

"Really?" asked Harry, looking to Remus for confirmation.

Remus nodded. "That's not even the worst of it. Once James was sitting behind the rest of us in History of Magic—very back of the room—and I heard an enormous clatter behind me. He'd transformed right there in his desk." Hermione's jaw dropped and Harry, Ron, and Sirius burst into in peels of laughter.

Sirius wiped his eyes. "The whole desk broke to pieces. And there's James—as a stag, mind you—laying there tangled up in the middle of the rubble."

"What did you _do_?" asked Ron eagerly. "Did he turn back?"

"It always took him a minute to get control," Sirius said. "We had to cause a diversion. So Moony here lit Wormtail's robes on fire—" All heads swiveled toward Remus, who lifted his hands apologetically.

"Guilty, I'm afraid."

"You _didn't_!" Hermione said, clapping her hand to her mouth.

"Hermione, you lit _Snape_ on fire in our first year," Harry pointed out, and Sirius guffawed.

"You _must_ tell me this story," he said, looking at Hermione with new respect.

"First tell us what happened to my dad," Harry said eagerly.

"Right, right." Sirius's eyes twinkled at Remus, and Remus felt a flutter of excitement in his stomach, just like the old days. "So, once Moony'd lit Peter on fire, there was just billows of smoke everywhere—Moony always was a dab hand at a diversion—and I screamed bloody murder. Nobody even knew there was a full-grown deer laying on the floor behind Remus."

"And once James had transformed back, I doused Peter with water and everything was back to rights," Remus finished. "If anyone _had_ noticed the deer, they would have felt like an idiot saying anything at that point. And I don't think Peter even had any burns."

"Not that time, anyway," Sirius said cheerfully. "And old Binns never even noticed. Swear to God. He was up there droning on about goblin rebellions like nothing even happened."

"You're lucky it didn't happen in McGonagall's class." Hermione said, finally laughing along with the rest of them.

"Too right," Sirius agreed. "Anyway, James did learn how to control it eventually, and it was smooth sailing from then on. Right, Moony?"

"More or less," said Remus, shaking his head. He glanced at Harry's shining green eyes and suddenly smiled. "James would love this, you know. He couldn't wait for you to inherit the cloak and the map and become a Marauder yourself."

"It's true," said Sirius. "And maybe next time we'll tell a story where he doesn't look like an idiot."

Harry beamed at them. "My dad—he'd be happy that we're all here, wouldn't he? At Order headquarters. And you two—you're together again. I bet he'd like that, too."

Remus's breath caught in his throat, and he could feel Sirius's eyes on him. "You're right, Harry," he said at last. "There's nothing James would want more than this."

* * *

Not long afterward, Remus left for the final full moon of the summer, a two-week trip with Goro Banden. In a way, it was nice to get out and clear his head. Sirius was growing restless at Grimmauld Place, and as he and Remus grew closer, it was harder for Remus to keep up with the boundaries he'd drawn between them. Sometimes, he had trouble remembering why he'd drawn them at all.

When he returned to Grimmauld Place two weeks later, it was late in the evening and the house was already dark. Remus wondered if Sirius was still awake upstairs, and if his nightmares had returned while Remus was away. Remus was exhausted from his travels, but he wasn't ready to go to bed, not yet. The house creaked with the presence of the others, and he imagined he could hear the students—Harry, Ron, and the twins, most likely—up late and whispering about Order information that they were supposed to know nothing about. He smiled to himself. He and Sirius were both guilty of ignoring the twins' blatant use of Extendable Ears when they were trying to listen in on meetings.

Remus was putting the tea kettle on when he heard the kitchen door open behind him.

"I thought I heard someone come in," Sirius said, closing the door carefully behind him. "Glad it was you and not Snivellus."

Remus snorted. "Snape's probably at Hogwarts, planning how best to terrorize Gryffindors this year. They call him the 'bat of the dungeons,' you know."

Sirius laughed. "So Harry tells me. Glad to see our good work is being carried on." He paused and looked Remus over with a critical eye. "How was the full moon? You're all right?"

"No bruises, no broken bones," Remus recited, smiling at Sirius. "Nice to see that you still worry about me."

"Every time," Sirius said quietly. "Even when I was in Azkaban."

Remus glanced at him in surprise; Azkaban was one of the many things they hadn't discussed yet. They didn't speak for a moment, and Sirius leaned against the counter, watching Remus measure out the tea.

"When I thought of you then—when I was in Azkaban—you always had a cup of tea in your hand," he said at last. "Like old times, in the common room. Or in our flat."

Remus's mouth was dry but he swallowed anyway, a nervous pit beginning to form in his stomach. He could feel Sirius watching him, knew he was waiting to see if Remus would stop him before he could say anything else. But Remus didn't. He was exhausted from the full moon, from the war, from the constant vigilance of pushing Sirius away.

"Remus." Sirius took a step closer and put a tentative hand on Remus's arm. "I've been doing a lot of thinking while you've been gone. Ever since we talked to Harry about James, and what he said—"

"I've been thinking about it, too," said Remus hesitantly. "Talking to Harry about James—it's a good thing—"

"Not that, and you know it, Remus. What Harry said about James. That he'd be happy we're together."

A shiver went down Remus's spine. He closed his eyes, but he could still feel Sirius's unrelenting black gaze on his face. "Sirius, Harry meant our _friendship_. He doesn't know about the rest of it."

"But we do." Sirius was gripping Remus's arm so tightly that Remus winced. "You have to let me say it, Remus. I've been waiting. I've given you time...I've had to remind myself that you've been _living_ for the past fourteen years, while I've been, well..."

Remus blinked rapidly and pulled out of Sirius's grasp, his hand shaking as he lifted the tea kettle. There was a buzzing in his ears, but he could still hear everything Sirius was saying.

"I didn't want to say anything when I was living in your house. I didn't want to overstep. And then, being at Grimmauld Place again…" Sirius let out a long, slow breath, his eyes following Remus's every movement. "But then everyone else was here too, and I thought, all right, friends, we can be friends again. Like we were in the beginning." He paused and Remus closed his eyes, waiting. "But Moony...it's not enough for me."

Remus swiveled his head toward Sirius and opened his mouth to say something, anything, but Sirius shook his head and kept talking."Remus, I thought about you _every day_ ," he continued in a pained voice. "Every day in Azkaban, and every day when I was on the run, I thought of James and Lily and I thought of you, the only one of us out here living your life. Thoughts of you kept me alive, Remus."

At last, Sirius stopped talking and looked away. There was a creaking sound upstairs; most likely the twins sneaking back to their room from Harry and Ron's.

"I'd hardly call what I do _living_ ," Remus said after a moment, his voice cracking. "But you know I thought of you too, every day, even when I tried not to. How could I not?" He put down the tea kettle, his hand shaking. Sirius reached for his arm, but Remus pulled back.

"It's been a long time, Padfoot," he said, shaking his head. "Too long, maybe. We were kids—"

"Bullshit, and you know it, Moony. When I think about what we missed, because of me, of how things ended between us—" His voice broke. "I _know_ it's been over fourteen years now. I knew that if I ever got out of Azkaban, you'd have moved on. I prepared myself for it! But to see you like this, so goddamn cautious—"

"Sirius—"

" _Listen,_ Moony. I spent twelve years imagining your life and your lovers and how you would change. I hoped you _would_ change, because otherwise…when I thought how you must have hated me the way I hated Wormtail..."

"I've tried to change!" Remus hissed. "I _tried_ to forget you and move on from everything. I tried to hate you, but I couldn't. I _grieved_ for you, Sirius. For me, you were just...gone. Like the others." He was vaguely aware that his cheeks were damp. "So that's that. I'm sorry if I'm so goddamn _cautious_ , but I spent fourteen years trying to do anything but think of you. And now you're back, and…"

"I'm back, but I'm ugly now," Sirius said, gesturing to his thin body and tired face. It was a weak attempt at humor, and Remus let out a short, choked sob of a laugh.

"Not to me," he said before he could stop himself. "Never to me. Besides, the last fourteen years haven't done much for me either."

They didn't speak for a moment. "Moony...is there anybody else?" Sirius asked. Remus looked up at him in surprise. The question was almost incomprehensible to him after so many years alone. _Was there anybody else?_ Remus thought briefly, stupidly, of Tonks and the way her face brightened when he entered a room.

But, no—she was only a friend, and this was _Sirius_ standing in front of him, asking for something that Remus knew, at last, that he could give. Remus knew, and he leaned forward and brushed his lips tentatively against Sirius's.

"There's never been anyone else," he whispered softly, and it was true.

Sirius's eyes widened for a moment, and then his hands were on Remus's back, pulling him in close and crushing their mouths together in a messy, eager kiss that was more than Remus could handle, and yet it was still not nearly enough. He put a hand on the back of Sirius's neck and tipped his face up towards him, kissing him the way he used to when they were seventeen and their war had not yet begun.

He let his hands wander over Sirius's body, finding where he felt the same and where he was different—his thin back, his tense shoulders, his bearded cheek. Remus knew that he was different, too, but he knew he wanted Sirius just as much—or even more—than he had back then. Sirius pressed his hips against Remus's and groaned into his mouth, and Remus shivered; they were decidedly _not_ seventeen anymore, and they had a lot of time to make up for.

"Remus," Sirius whispered when they finally pulled apart. "Are you _sure_ that this is what you want?"

"Can't you tell?" Remus breathed. He was dimly aware that he had no idea how much time had passed and that anybody—even Harry—could have entered the kitchen and he wouldn't have had a clue that they were even there. He didn't care. He closed the distance between them again, pressing Sirius against the counter so they could feel the full length of each other's bodies. Sirius sucked in a strangled, desperate breath. _Fourteen fucking years_.

"Can we go upstairs now?" Remus whispered.

"Yes." Sirius said hoarsely, his eyes glassy with desire. He took Remus by the hand and together, they went up the stairs to their room.


	39. Chapter 39

A/N: We've reached the final chapter! At the beginning, I never imagined that this story would grow to be so long. My original outlines for were only 10-15 chapters long, but it ended up taking much longer to tell Remus's story. I'm so grateful to all of you who have continued to read and review and who stuck with it until the end. Thank you!

* * *

When Remus awoke the next morning, he was alone, curled up in the middle of the bed. He blinked and stretched, wincing at the usual stiffness and soreness that followed each full moon, and allowed his mind to trace back over the events of the night before. He'd kissed Sirius downstairs in the kitchen. He'd _slept_ with Sirius in a way that had absolutely nothing to do with his nightmares. And they'd both said things they couldn't take back. Remus felt a prickle of unease and pressed his face into Sirius's pillow, inhaling deeply. He'd wanted it, though. They'd _both_ wanted it. There was no denying that.

He was still lying in bed twenty minutes later when the door creaked open and Sirius entered, levitating a tray of tea and biscuits into the room.

"You're awake," he said with a smile, letting the tray come to rest on the bedside table next to Remus. Remus's stomach growled loudly, and they both laughed.

"Sorry," he said, feeling suddenly bashful. "I guess I slept in."

"I shouldn't have kept you up so late after the full moon," Sirius said regretfully. He sat down on the bed next Remus and took his face in his hands, giving him a long, open-mouthed kiss.

"I guess that answers that question," Remus murmured when they finally pulled apart, his face flushed. He watched Sirius peel his shirt off, his blush deepening at the thought of the way Sirius had held him in those arms the night before.

"Eyes up here, Moony," Sirius teased. Remus looked up at him sheepishly. "What question?" Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged and laid back on the pillow, his arms behind his head. "Whether last night was a dream." He paused and looked up at Sirius again. "And whether you regret it."

"I have absolutely no regrets," Sirius said firmly. "And if it _was_ a dream, it was a good one for once." He pulled back the covers and Remus made room for him in the bed.

"Are the others...?"

"They're awake. Molly made breakfast. I told them I heard you come in late from the full moon last night, and nobody asked any questions." Sirius kissed Remus again, his fingers gently tracing the old, familiar scars on Remus's body. Remus shivered under his touch.

"Don't stop," he murmured, and Sirius brushed a kiss across his lips, his hands traveling further down Remus's torso until Remus groaned with longing. He wondered how long they'd be able to stay in bed before someone would come looking for them. He reached for Sirius's body, pulling him as close as he could.

When they finally pulled apart some time later, sunlight was streaming into the room, casting light across their bodies. Sirius propped his head on his hand and surveyed Remus's nakedness.

"There are new ones," Sirius said, and it took Remus a moment to realize that he was talking about the scars.

"There's been a lot of full moons since I saw you last," Remus said gently. "They weren't all bad, but they weren't all easy, either."

"I'm sorry." Sirius's voice was full of regret. "There was a time when I knew every inch of your body. Every scar."

"Don't," Remus said firmly. He rolled over and pressed his lips to Sirius's. "We're past apologizing. There was a time when I thought I'd never see you again, and yet here we are. Did you ever think you'd sleep with me in your childhood bed? At your parents' house?"

Sirius laughed too, loud and surprised, and Remus smiled into his neck. "Unimaginable. Want to go make out in front of my mother's portrait? It'd kill her if she wasn't already dead."

Remus laughed and settled into the crook of Sirius's arm, staring up at the ceiling. "I wish we could stay here all day," he said softly. Soon, they'd have to go downstairs and face the others, wondering which secrets to tell and which to keep, just like they had back at Hogwarts. And that wouldn't even be the worst of it, Remus thought, his smile fading. In the coming months, there would be countless Order meetings and missions. There would be more full moons, and weeks and weeks spent apart. A new war, when they hadn't even healed from the last one. Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to put it out of his mind at least for now.

He looked up, startled, when Sirius placed a hand on his chest. "Stop, Remus," he said quietly. "You're thinking about it too much. I can tell."

"Padfoot—" Remus began hesitantly.

"Don't," Sirius said, shaking his head "I know what you're thinking. And I might be damaged goods, but I'm not delusional."

Remus swallowed hard. "What do you mean?" He wondered suddenly if Sirius knew him better than he knew himself, even after all this time.

Sirius sighed. "Moony, I know we can't make up for lost time. I know we can't go back to the way things were when we were twenty-one years old. I know we can't go downstairs and announce that you're with me now and that we're—we're, I don't know, adopting Harry and we're going to live together forever."

Remus snorted at that, and Sirius smiled sheepishly, sliding down in the bed to press his face against Remus's chest. "I've imagined a lot of things over the years, all right? But I know that no matter what we said or did last night, you and I don't get to live happily ever after. I _know_ that. I know that things have changed and you might not want us, or this because—"

"Because we're not the same people anymore," Remus finished for him. He lifted a hand and ran it through Sirius's hair, pulling his fingers gently through the tangles. "Because there's a war on and the odds that we both live through it are slim to none."

"Seems like you've said something similar to me at least once before."

Remus nodded. "For a long time, I imagined an alternate life with James and Lily alive and you and I together and everything the way it would have been if the war had never happened. I had to work hard to give that vision up—"

"You shouldn't have had to," Sirius said heavily, his voice muffled and pained against Remus's chest.

"That doesn't matter now," Remus said quietly. "I _did_ give it up. And now you're back and we're...we're old _,_ Sirius. That old life is over. And yet Voldemort's returned and we're in the Order again, and I'm just as afraid as I was when you kissed me in that tent when we were seventeen."

"Fuck being afraid," Sirius whispered. He sat up suddenly and took Remus's face in his hands, kissing him with an intensity that took Remus's breath away. "I love you, Remus. I've spent the last fourteen _years_ wishing I were seventeen again with you."

Remus caught his breath and pulled away. "I—I love you too," he whispered. "I always have. But I can't give you back those years. I probably can't even give you _this_ year, not when Death Eaters could break through that door at any moment—"

"More likely it'd be Snape," Sirius said, kissing Remus's neck. "To be honest, if Snivellus broke through that door this moment, I don't know if I could save us. I'm a bit rusty nowadays—"

"Shut _up_ , Padfoot," Remus said, rolling his eyes. "All I'm trying to say is—"

"I know what you're trying to say, Moony," Sirius said firmly. "But you don't have to give me next year or even next month. All I want is right now. Only now. Nobody even has to know, not that I'd care if they did. And maybe we'll have another 'right now' tomorrow, and that'll be enough for me, too. Can you give me that?"

Remus looked at Sirius. Today, in the daylight, he could see all of Sirius' thin, ragged body, the crease in his forehead, his sallow cheeks, the dark circles under his eyes. But he was still Sirius, and when Remus looked into his dark eyes, he could see the past twenty-five years of his own life and love reflected there. In Sirius's eyes, Remus could see the dark-haired child he'd met on the Hogwarts Express at age eleven, who would offer a Remus a friendship unlike any he'd known before. Remus could see the seventeen-year-old boy he'd kissed in secret, and the young man he'd grown to love desperately, and who had loved him in return.

Their love was different now. Sirius was different and Remus was different, too, but maybe they could still have this one thing, even if it were only for now.

Remus nodded and interlaced Sirius's fingers with his own.

"Yes."


End file.
